Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
A lot of people I know are using November as a chance to lose weight, save money, write a novel, or otherwise cross off something that’s been on their To-do list for a while. A week in, it’s not too late to follow their example. In fact, if I were you, I’d take advantage of this window between now and the December holidays to accomplish something you’ve been wanting to do for this entire past year, but haven’t had a chance to make happen. Wouldn’t that, after all, be the best Christmas/Hanukah/etc. gift you could give yourself?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Take it out; blow off the years of accumulated mental dust that have collected on it. What is it? I can barely remember—I think it’s that neglected goal you set for yourself ages ago. It was important to you then, and it’ll be important to you again now that you remember what it was; maybe even more important than anything else you have on your plate at the moment. Why dredge it out of your cerebral attic? Because, finally, doors have opened that will let you move miles closer to it. Yes, that’s right, you’re at last able to take some steps—long, loping strides, actually—towards it. The only thing that might disconcert you: they’re not necessarily the steps you originally intended—they’re better.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
I don’t know about you, but the lesson I’m working on comprehending this week is the one where I remember to actually think before I speak. Like you, I’m a big fan of spontaneity, but it works best when I’m in a clear-headed, happy place, not when I’m down in the trenches working on my shit. You’ve admirably spent the past week thigh-deep in mental sludge, digging through your mental blocks and rooting out your most unhealthy patterns. When I’m in that state, I don’t necessarily respond to external stimuli in as enlightened a way as I might like. Might you be the same? To avoid being irrevocably branded asshole, I’m inclined to take a moment before I open my mouth. This week, follow my example.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
It may not be a perfect day, but the sun is shining gloriously. Your friends adore you, your love life is looking up, and, well, you just feel good. This is like the scene in the movie where everything’s going great, where the director shows you how wonderful life was before all the crazy shit goes down. Except you’re not in a movie. That’s the good news. Although the loveliness can’t last forever, obviously, it’s not about to come crashing down on you tomorrow. Squash your anxieties, please. You’ve got a clear stretch ahead. Relax and enjoy the sweetness.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Scruff is in. 9 out of 10 guys within my range of vision have gone days without the blade. It’s a very Piscean fashion statement, to let your stubble grow, to walk around sporting a fabulous bed-head, or go bra-less. That’s right, your casual this-is-me-take-it-or-leave-it-ness spreads as easily as cream cheese. It extends beyond mere laziness—with you, at least. While you’re leading the hyper-casual fashion trend, maybe you could start a minor attitude revolution while you’re at it, and encourage people to accept themselves as thoroughly as you do. Show them how feeling okay about extra pounds, new wrinkles, or slightly obnoxious quirks is much, much more attractive than trying to hide them.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Love often requires sacrifice, compromise. It’s not unheard of for your lover to ask you to give up something altogether. For someone as freedom-hungry as you, these demands are frequently deal breakers, especially because they most usually come from a completely irrational, hyper-emotional realm you’re not that familiar with. This week, you may discover emotional roadblocks on every route you’d normally choose to travel, but don’t panic. Although you may have to delay your arrival at the destination you picked, you don’t have to cancel your plans to get there. These barricades are temporary, just a checkpoint to ensure (for everyone’s safety) that your car is bomb-free and its passengers are properly belted in.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Everyone hates grunt work. Who wants to spend half the day scrubbing mildew from between tiles with an old toothbrush, or redoing someone else’s botched job? No one, but some signs are better at putting up with it than others. Let’s face it: this isn’t one of your strengths. However, every once in a while you’ve still got to buckle down and clean out the fridge or steam-clean the carpets. This week, the misery won’t be as profound as usual, should you decide to cross a few tedious tasks from your list. Get them out of the way while you can bear it. The sense of relief when they’re finished will eclipse the foul memory of actually doing them soon enough.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Your inner eye is bloodshot and blurry. Although you’ve been lauded for your astoundingly clear and far-sighted internal vision in the past, you haven’t been impressing people with your feeble feats of imagination lately. Luckily, this week’s astrological events are the Visine you need to clear up that stoner redness and get your inspiration synched with reality again. Don’t let the past month’s despicable letdowns and setbacks keep you down. As of this week you can (and should) trust your gut, your intuition, and your oracular enthusiasm again.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You have an intoxicating effect on people. You’ve heard this before, but the phenomenon has usually been confined to selected locales, like the bedroom, or during your delectable home-cooked dinners. This week, however, your delicious influence may be more universal and pronounced. Don’t be surprised if people around you become suddenly prone to throwing their arms around your neck and slurring candor in your direction, or toasting you with moony affection. They can’t help themselves. Just take their (complimentary) smashed conduct with a grain of salt, and be generous with the aspirin and TLC the next day.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
The shackles cut into your wrists, the mildew reeks, and the rats keep nibbling your toes. Much as I love Scorpios, their birthday season is a rough time for the Leo tribe. Having the sun (your ruler) in that cool, dark, watery sign—which is about as different from your exuberant, sunny optimism as it’s possible to get—made the past few weeks feel a little like being chained in a dungeon. Swallow your gruel and make it through this last stretch, though; pretty soon your buddy Sagittarius will rule the world, let you out of the pit, and all will be well again.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Just because you can do the work of 2-3 people doesn’t mean you get paid, recognized, or rewarded accordingly. Wouldn’t it be great if your efficiency meant you could pull in two paychecks every week? Unfortunately, most businesses don’t run that way, and you almost get punished for your effectiveness by simply getting more responsibility and hardly any more pay. It might be true that the only way you could get paid what you actually deserve is to work for someone who notices, and cares—you. Have you ever thought of being your own boss? This is a good time to check in again and see if that might actually be a possibility. If it is, seize it.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Oh, Pollyanna. Your rosy outlook of the near future flies in the face of all odds, public opinion, and educated forecasts. But why fight it? If you have reason to hope that the next few weeks will be more wonderful than chocolate, more power to you. Be a shining example of how intention shapes reality. You know what happens to cynical naysayers? Shit happens. It just ends up justifying and reinforcing their cynicism. Unfortunately, shit happens to idealistic optimists, too. But if you retain that ability to concentrate on the silver lining of any sinister thunderheads that come your way, you’re a lot less likely to go down with the next flush.