Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You’re not a cold person, even though some see you that way. I’d argue that you burn hotter than most. Antares, the red supergiant star that forms the heart of the Scorpio constellation, is about 700 times the diameter of our sun. If our sun were that big, it’d engulf most of our inner solar system, including Earth. Antares is one of the brightest stars in the sky despite the fact that it’s hundreds of times further than many of them—500 light years away. It’s only distance and difference that makes you seem aloof. Those who’ve seen inside that fiery heart of yours know better. In order to improve not only your rep but that of frosty Scorps everywhere, let a couple more people touch the nuclear fires of your love this week.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Between the mess in your head and the knots in the brain of your chief love interest, you may feel like there’s no dancing room. Your ankles keep getting tangled in the thorny briars of your pasts, tripping you up when you’d like to move forward. This isn’t a hopeless situation, though. Due to one of the karmic tax cuts the universe is offering now, you’re in luck; only one of you is getting trapped at any given time. The key to getting through this mess is taking turns leading the waltz—which means letting go of any ideas about who’s in charge.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
The universe rarely outwits you. But since you lost your cheat-sheet this week, you’re down here with the rest of us mere mortals. Try to look at it as a good thing; your tendency to know all the answers ahead of time was not only obnoxious, it kept you from developing yourself or being challenged, at times. Getting an honest score on life’s tests will not only earn you valuable self-knowledge, it will bring you closer to the real answers, the ones that will mean something to you, unlike those you lifted straight out of a book.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
When was the last time you climbed a tree? Or dug in the garden? It may be getting too chilly for constructively rooting around in flowerbeds, but your soul doesn’t care about that. I’ve detected an unfortunate headiness pervading your life lately. Besides sex, time spent actually consciously inhabiting your body has been depressingly small. Don’t you remember the realization you had last year—the one where your internal balance depended on regular, meditative time communing with nature, one way or another? Honor that lesson, and you’ll find that the vast majority of things that have been plaguing you will simply slip away.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Somewhere along the way you got access to the casino control room, the one the rest of us are convinced exists. You snuck into that backroom with walls of surveillance monitors, where some Las Vegas demigod decides whose slot machines hit the jackpot and whose don’t, and rigged the whole setup. It’s the only explanation for your continued good fortune, which defies reasonable odds. Although people are happy for you, they can’t help feeling a bit of resentment. In order to quash riotous discontent before a full-scale revolution erupts, share the wealth this week. Pour your clinking windfall into the cups of your neighbors, and they’ll let you keep the secret of your continued providence.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
It’s not like you’re planning a trip over the Niagara Falls in a barrel, or leaping the Grand Canyon on a motorcycle. The risks you’re planning may fly in the face of something at least slightly awesome and powerful, but they’re not truly dangerous; they’re more like confronting the phony wizard of Emerald City, Oz. All you have to do is hold your ground and be alert. Don’t let the nervous, nay-saying Munchkins dismay you. They’re easily impressed and deluded. Trust your vision to pierce the facades of blustering illusion to see the small, ridiculous people behind them, and trust your ability to kick their asses.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Even though you’re surprisingly open-minded at times, you’re not exactly notorious for your flexibility. No one expects you to put your feet behind your head or bend over backwards. In fact, just the opposite: People count on you to stand your ground in certain territories, as unyielding and unchanging as a stone. Consistency is a good thing, but come on. At the very least, consider the facts. If your position is well-founded, it won’t be shaken by questioning or criticism. Blind faith is for the weak. Changing your mind because of a well-reasoned argument? That’s strength.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Luckily your heart has the regenerative capabilities of a starfish. Not literally, of course, but emotionally you are able to restore it to wholeness, if you give yourself enough time and loving care. Any piece of a starfish with part of the central body intact can grow into a whole animal. Your heart is similar. It sucks that it’s been thrashed to pieces at times. But losing your ability to love would be a gruesome victory for the thrashers. Don’t let that happen. Pluck out the biggest chunk, put it somewhere with lots of sunlight and adoration, and show off how little the hurt can hold you back.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
After executing a series of sickening belly flops and frustrated cannon balls, your hesitant approach to the diving board invites cringes all around. It’s painful to witness your self-torture. I hope you’ll notice none of your die-hard fans have left the bleachers, however; we’re still cheering you on, albeit anxiously. Don’t turn away from the ladder that’ll take you up to that daunting 30-foot drop. Practice is practice, even if you’ve only been practicing what not to do. Try again. If not for yourself, you owe it to us, and our faith in you. This time, you’ll not only pull off the unquestionably difficult maneuver you’ve been attempting, you’ll do it so precisely that people won’t believe what they’ve seen. They may, in fact, demand that you do it again. Go ahead. I predict a perfect 10, both times.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
No one hates suffering punishment more than you do, especially when you haven’t done anything wrong. Being penalized for your precociousness is so unfair—it takes you back to the days when you were forced to wait some arbitrary amount of time for responsibilities you knew you could handle, like a driver’s license. Some of this unfair discipline stems from a desire to do you good: Sure, you can handle the responsibilities of someone much older and wiser, but you don’t need to. Enjoy the moment for what it is, and leave that shit for later. By the time you have to shoulder those burdens, you’ll be glad you didn’t way back when you could have.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
What if there were witches? What if, back during the witch-hunts in Salem, Massachusetts and elsewhere, there were mutants, people who’d evolved past normal humankind to have paranormal abilities? In that case, the Puritans of the era squashed humanity’s potential by rooting them out and burning them. Keeping us ordinary. Okay, it’s a ridiculously farfetched scenario, but something like it (on a much smaller scale) is playing itself out in your life. Before you take the seemingly dangerous elements of your current situation and tie them to the pyre, ask yourself: Could these things I fear actually be the next stages of my personal evolution?
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Kiss a Pisces this week. You’re the sign most able to understand their dualism and persistent internal conflict, and therefore commiserate. Surely you can remember many moments when you froze while your mental arguments played themselves out. Paralyzed by indecision, you may have wished that someone, anyone, would bail you out and tell you which part of you was “right.” Here’s your chance. Your Pisces buddies need you to clear up the myriad tiny debates that make them just so ineffective at times. Tell them what to do. It’ll be fun for both of you.