Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
It’s your job to make sure you actually live your life, instead of sleepwalking through it, but I do what I can to help. WAKE UP! I wish I could press a screaming alarm clock against your ear, but I can only yell at you across the silence of the page. I’m worried that some of you are sleeping through your lives, and you probably don’t know it. The dream you live may seem like a life, until you awaken. This week, question everything. Pinch yourself. Be as conscious as you can. And kick your own ass for me, for wasting so much time already. And if you ever notice me or anyone else dozing off in our own lives, return the favor.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You remind me of a microwave oven. Standing in front of you, it’s hard to tell (especially for one unfamiliar with such a device) that there’s anything going on. But suddenly—ding! Food’s hot. You’re so stable and laid-back lately that it’s not obvious how much is going on beneath the surface. You also resemble a microwave in another essential way: you don’t wreak change on the surface of people you encounter. Instead, you catalyze them from the inside out. You might even be lulled into believing the myths they tell about you being boring—until this week, when you see the transformations (both internal and inside others) you’ve wrought.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You’re a clueless infant in a runaway baby carriage. Released at the top of a steep hill, you fearlessly accelerate under the impartial pull of gravity. All you can see is the sky overhead, interrupted at moments by wires, stoplights and skyscrapers. The stroller’s rickety wheels master curbs and jump gutters with the ease of a veteran skateboarder, but you’re as ignorant of these astonishing feats as of the near misses—cabs and buses screeching to a halt to avoid hitting you, or the hysterical woman sprinting after you, arms outstretched. You’re as charmed as a Disney cartoon—so why freak out? Stay chill and enjoy the ride.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
On the one hand, I can be sarcastically skeptical, ripping apart anything New Age-y, triumphantly proclaiming that the I Ching, feng shui, and even astrology are all bullshit. On the other hand, I’m also open-minded, and I’ll patiently listen to any theory of the universe, or formula for a love-inducing magic spell, consider the results, and draw conclusions from there. Walking the line between these two extremes can at times seem contradictory, especially since I write a goddamn astrology column. But walk it I must, just as you’ve got to navigate the tight rope between your own conflicting internal viewpoints. Keep tiptoeing that wobbly highwire. At the other side, there’s a way to resolve these incongruities: You can have your cake, and devour it, too.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You’re as solid as cast iron this week, Aquarius. A skillet (or lover, or friend) of your caliber could last a lifetime, if properly cared for. But you must avoid water: you’ll rust up so bad that you could end up squeaking around with stiff limbs and crying out for lubricant. So don’t let anyone cry on your shoulder this week, or piss all over you, either. Instead, just to keep things running smoothly, get yourself rubbed all over with oil and properly seasoned with some called-in, long overdue favors, celebratory cocktails, and well-deserved kindnesses.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You often wake your lover late at night, pounding on the pillow and muttering, “Yeah, yeah—that’s what I should’ve said!” Snappy comebacks aren’t your forte. That’s okay. Fast wits and a smart mouth are things you can live without—most people do. They are nice to have, like fancy cars, cable television, or a live-in cook. Unfortunately, you can’t buy cleverness as easily as those other things. You do have your inspired moments, though. And lucky for you, you should have whole hours of wicked, hilarious brilliance this week. Make good use of them.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You won’t have time to hide the crumbs when surprise guests find you finishing off the last bite of a cake you ate all by yourself. Just wipe the chocolate off your face and show your visitors a shit-eating grin. There’s not much you can do when you get caught in bed with a bevy of beautiful naked people. Start making introductions and hope for the best. Above all, own your desires. There’s nothing wrong with them—in fact, you should be proud of your ability and willingness to indulge them. Your power to manifest your fantasies is greater than ever, so use it: Give yourself what you want this week. If anyone else disapproves, they can go eat their hearts out—somewhere else.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Don’t you wish you could have a remote control for life? Something like the DVR control, with PAUSE, REWIND and FAST FORWARD features. Unfortunately, these just don’t exist. However, you are gifted with one special button, one that can rewrite any scenario, from the most tired sitcom to any dire black and white tragedy. So don’t keep watching the same old storylines play themselves out, over and over. Hit that mental RECORD button and reprogram your life’s television with some daring, original, revolutionary new shows, ones that you’ll enjoy watching, later in life, over and over.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’re already one of the most exciting people you know. Why are you so afraid of “missing out”? So often I see you participating in something because you’re scared of not being part of “it,” whatever “it” is. More often than not, the big event you anticipated turns out to be a big flop, and you feel like you wasted a lot of time. Relax. You’re where the party is, already. Spend less time on everybody else’s lame adventures and more on creating your own exciting ones. They’re so much better and more interesting, anyway.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Okay, nobody panic. No one’s going to get hurt. You there. Listen carefully: Put the voodoo doll down. Slowly. Now back away. That’s good. Who was it? One of your parents? Your lover? Your boss? It wouldn’t have done you much good, I’m afraid. You must know the law of returns—if you curse someone, however powerfully or mildly, it comes back to you three times. So, here. Take the doll back. Now do something nice to it, something wonderful that you would wish on someone you love—like yourself. Give it a pleasantly warm bubble bath, a wad of cash, or a fancy, delicious seven-course meal. Then get rid of it, and be glad that the people who have power over you are not only more wise than you’ve been lately; they’re kinder and more forgiving, too.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
When the elevator broke down between floors, I watched the confused (and seemingly inept) repair crew, and imagined being trapped in that coffin-like box while they scratched their heads, perplexed. The 12 flights of stairs looked much more attractive, suddenly. As I climbed the 252 steps today, I thought of you. This week is a little like a strenuous ascent to the top of a tall building—it can be enjoyed, in a semi-masochistic kind of way. It may leave you sweaty and tired, but you’ll be glad you spent time climbing the stairs” when you discover the graceful, spiral slide installed to swoop you to the bottom. You’ll arrive windswept, refreshed and almost able to forget all the work that got you to the top in the first place.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You’re a cat’s underbelly: temptingly touchable, all warm and furry and soft. Even though you’ve got the sharp claws and painful teeth to defend such a prize, sometimes you think it might be easier to simply hide the beauty that provokes folks to invade your personal space. It’s not. After all, didn’t I just say you possessed the power to protect yourself? So don’t conceal what makes you gorgeous. You’re on the verge of sliding your reputation a little further from pretty, timid wallflower towards dark, dangerous beauty. I’d hate to see you screw it up now.