Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You dream you meet your soul mate, who turns out to be a duck. As he cocks his head to allow first one beady eye, then the other, to gaze longingly into your dewy pair, you listen to his tales of the Fowl Revolution. The moment you fervently swear allegiance to his cause you awaken, but the memory of his beaky kiss still lingers. Ducky’s gone, but you still want to honor those feelings (let’s face it: this dream is the closest thing to a “soul-mate” you’ve got going on). Perhaps you could swear off eggs, or make a ritual of bringing stale bread to the park. Do something, anyway—if you can’t even make a token gesture in the name of a dream of true love, how can you hope to make the sacrifices demanded by the real thing?
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Believe me, I want to be in coast mode, too. But you’ve got to spend some time in overachiever mode so you can rack up accomplishments to feel proud about when you’re doing the slacker social thing. So let your popularity slide—this isn’t high school, after all. If this were high school you’d be busy accumulating straight As, awards in debate club, football, and the lead in the school play. So who has time to be the most popular girl in school? Get shit done instead—you’ll have time to rule the In Crowd later.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Not everyone can muster up the intensity your sign is infamous for. Sure, it can intimidate some people, or freak them out, or simply repulse them—but it must be respected for what it is. It’s sad whenever I see a potentially lethal Scorpion trying to be cute and harmless. It’s like a vicious, stinging insect trying to masquerade as a fluffy bunny rabbit. It just doesn’t work. Hello, we can see all your sharp, venomous points sticking out. Erase “bouncy, fuzzy, and adorable” from your list of self-descriptions this week. And if you must have those adjectives in your life somehow, there are plenty of perky, sweet, and infernally cute people who love cuddling with snakes—the more poisonous or powerful, the better.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Villains are often misunderstood. In Wicked, a chronicle of the underrated and over-feared “Wicked Witch of the West,” Elpheba’s sad story is told—how she fought against the evil, deceitful, and oppressive usurper (known as “The Wizard of Oz”) and was a champion of Animal (the talking kind) rights, only to be destroyed by poor, ignorant Dorothy, who swallowed the wizard’s slanderous propaganda hook, line, and sinker. What didn’t work for the witch will work for you, though. In fact, you should hope for some good old-fashioned slander—it’ll distract folks from the real issues at hand and leave you free to do some real good. Meanwhile, don’t worry about being perceived as the bad guy—they get laid more often, anyway.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You’re the stubborn sort who keeps trying to fit the square peg into the round hole, despite repeated failed attempts. That’s very Goat-like of you: keep butting your head at something until it gets the hell out of your way. Sure, you could keep shoving that cube into the circle with some kind of counterintuitive logic—eventually you might be able to wedge your block through. Simple, but not the easiest or most elegant solution. Instead, you could whip out that handy pocketknife you’re always showing off and use it to whittle your right-angle problem (even if it’s something intangible, like your ego) until it’s just the right shape and size to slide smoothly into the hole you’ve been aiming for all along.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Darien fruit looks like a bizarre cross between a pineapple and The Thing, and it’s supposed to improve your virility. The flavor (it’s like eating blue cheese with a raspberry torte in a public bathroom) leaves a lot to be desired, though. Much of what you enjoy this week may be in the genres of sashimi, liver or lima beans: acquired tastes. Since you’re going to be forced to “sit at the table until it’s all gone,” why not learn to like whatever’s being forced down your throat? Not what I’d usually advise, but in this case it is good for you—better than almost anything else, in fact.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
I dreamt I had a sentient robot friend with a fetish for shiny trinkets and sweet pastries. Sometimes, he took the form of a clunky, clumsy, R2-D2-like wheeled machine that everyone condescendingly loved. Otherwise, he appeared indistinguishable from a charming, friendly, human jock. Most people feared and distrusted this latter form. I was confused; after all, the same wonderful soul animated both shapes. I thought of you and your wonderful preference for the new, the odd, and the unique. This week, though, reconsider the familiar—lurking beneath the surface of what you think you know is something stranger and more fabulous than you ever imagined.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Patience is something that’s very hard for you Rams to come by, and yet it’s a more precious commodity than gold or dollars this week. There are some things that just can’t be rushed, even if you throw a Bill Gates-worthy fortune at them, like grief, love, or building trust (especially once trust has been broken). So only a serene willingness to simply wait will spare you the virtually limitless frustration and angst you’d suffer otherwise as you tried, in vain, to move the process along. Instead of seething about it, try, dear Aries, to embrace it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Okay, it’s been a while since you’ve seen Cloud Nine, or even Clouds Four, Five, or Six. By now, you’ve completely forgotten what it feels like to be totally crashed out, in bliss, with your lover, best friend or dog. Summer’s winding down, though, and the cooling winds of autumn are resurrecting those good feelings, warming you from your over air-conditioned state, and venturing over to skies near you. Fall can be depressing for a summer-loving sign like those Leos, but it also seems to produce some very horny, happy and highly magnetic Taureans. Cool.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Sometimes you wish they’d leave you alone. But they’re your friends, and they’re used to letting themselves into your house. They know where you hide your key. They habitually raid your fridge, use your shampoo, and take dates to your bedroom when you’re out of town. Don’t freak out, though. You can set boundaries, you know. But don’t cut them off completely. You’re lucky, if only you’ll realize it; every skin cell in your loofah and lip print on your cups is one more bit of evidence that wants to tell you: you are loved.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
At last! The teeter-totter nature of the past few weeks is finally settling to an uneasy equilibrium. Whew! One week, you were checking your voicemail every five minutes, and counting down minutes until the next party. The next, you were deleting all your messages without listening to them and holing up by yourself with a stack of movies and a gallon of ice cream. Finally, the long sought-after and craved balance is here. Don’t feel obligated to adhere to one of your more extreme patterns (like those I just mentioned), out of habit—not when a more stable equilibrium is just around the corner.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’re like a hot coal, burning sullenly, a dull red glow emanating from you everywhere you go. It’s not exactly the cozy warmth of a Cancer on a good day, or the searing dragon-blasts from exuberant Aries. It’s more the kind of thing you want to toast marshmallows over, or use to warm your feet from a safe distance. That kind of stubbornly persistent heat may not seem as immediately useful as other types of fire, but in fact it’s arguably the most practical—your kind of steady, consistent warmth is perfect for heating a house, or baking a cake. If that’s not good enough, just remember—all it takes is a brisk stir and a little breeze and your smoldering glow will spring into flame.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)