Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
I love embarrassing you, Virgo. I relish the way you blush to the roots of your hair and smile sheepishly as if you feel good all over. You must adore being teased. This week you’re due to receive some of the most euphorically ego-boosting compliments you’ve ever heard—but please give as good as you get. Pretend you’re your friends’ agent, lawyer, or conniving, matchmaking mother. Publicly cast them in the most flattering spotlight possible. The quality of your advocacy will determine in which category the comments regarding you will fall: humiliating accuracy, or embarrassing lavishness. I’m sure you appreciate the distinction.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You’ve got one can of spinach left, Popeye. Make it count. This particular batch of greens has an imminent expiration date. So deliver your knockout punch early and effectively. Otherwise, we could be in for a long, exhausting bout of half-hearted, delirious blows, with no one getting the upper hand for hours. You’re too evenly matched without your secret green weapon. Don’t let this become a grueling test of endurance. Swing high while those muscles are bulging. Olive Oyl’s watching, and if you can’t impress her, I can’t help but doubt your ability to impress anyone.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Rumor has it ravens are attracted to shiny objects, octopi are smarter than cats, and Scorpios have powerful, venomous stings. All of the above theories may be true, but there’s no proof. As your astrological attorney, I’ll also point out that statistically, those who possess stingers are more than twice as likely to prick themselves than anyone else. Your defending argument when accused of wielding your stinger inappropriately: I was aiming for myself. It’s not much of a defense, but at this point, it’s all we’ve got. I’m legally obligated to say this: You may lose the case. But don’t worry; Scorpios have a knack for being sentenced with punishments they’ll enjoy.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The coach of the winning sports team often gets a cooler full of ice water dumped over his head—by his own team. However unpleasant, it’s an expression of affection and appreciation. In a similar fashion, the dousing blast of chill you may be deluged with this week is not intended to actually extinguish your internal flame. You’re supposed to grin through the freezing flow. Just like those comedic roasts where friends take turns ridiculing someone they dearly love. Stoke up your flames this week, so they’re not put out by people celebrating their warmth.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
I know Capricorns who refuse to put hot sauce on anything, or eat a meal that’s even remotely spicy. Maybe they think one fire in the belly is enough. I’d agree, if it went even halfway towards warming your icy cold feet. Your unreasonable reluctance to go through with your promises is so lame. I can only warn you: If you don’t soon demonstrate what an honorable creature of integrity you actually are, those who are counting on your word will be surreptitiously spicing your food with red peppers and horseradish into next year. That punishment hurts going in and coming out.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You’ve heard the adage: you can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar. I’ve got a similar one for you: You can kill more slugs with a plate of flat beer than a dozen pair of murderous bare hands. Plucking and crushing the slimy things off your garden plants may yield some bizarre pleasure, in the same realm as popping zits or burping babies. But it’s time-consuming, gross, and ineffective. Try a different strategy: Give your unwary adversaries a little too much of exactly what they want—enough for them to drown in, anyway.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
There are ways and ways to express yourself. When people don’t seem to understand what you’re trying to communicate, it may very well be their own obtuseness getting in the way. However, I hope you’re flexible enough to consider that you’re not being clear or obvious enough. Very often, Pisces err on the side of polite subtlety and giving people the benefit of the doubt. Don’t do that this week. Be huge, be massively obvious, and use the strongest language you can to convey your message. It’s important enough to deserve at least all that.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Now that you’ve astounded everyone with that daring plunge through rings of fire, the only obvious way out of the shockingly deep pool at the bottom is by hoisting yourself up on those very same flaming hoops. Better put on your helmet and asbestos gloves, right? Not necessarily. There’s an easier and even more dramatic way out. You’ve turned into quite a good swimmer, over the past few shipwrecked and stormy months. Swim to the bottom and pull the plug. I guarantee the water will have completely drained before you drown—but not before you’ve thoroughly thrilled your adoring audience. And so the legend continues.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You plan and plan and plan. You might take years setting up a business plan, marriage proposal, or practical joke (or all three in one!). But sometimes you simply have to act. Jump from the plane, and all your ticket-purchasing, insurance comparison, weather consultation, and devout prayer comes to less than naught—you either open the parachute or you splat. I won’t predict that this week contains one of those all-or-nothing moments. But I will caution you—they have a tendency to sneak up on you, and I’ve noticed one or two lurking behind the bushes around your house.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The Worriers are the people who fret about you, constantly. They’ll feel anxious until they finally get you strapped into a posture-perfect bed, reading a quality book in good light, hooked up to an IV of chicken soup and listening to soothing music playing softly in the background. Going there would probably cause you to suffer from a terminally fatal yawn, so don’t. However, please realize that these people like to worry. Give them reasons to feel pleasurably anxious! Fill up your IV bag with Jack Daniels, read radical porno-political tracts, and bungee jump, if you feel inclined. Or not. Just don’t hold yourself back on anyone else’s account.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
The biggest impediment to your creative process is this misconception you have that you’re not a creative person. Okay, maybe you’re not inventing extravagant stage personas for yourself like a glamorous Leo, or concocting nympho love potions like those crafty Capricorns. But you’d be surprised at how creative you really are. In fact, if you subtracted from this week all the nifty shortcuts, systems and plans you’ve created to facilitate your life, I doubt you’d get anything done. If single-handedly inventing your own versions of efficiency, progress, and effectiveness isn’t being creative, I don’t know what is.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
The evil queen might magically (or through plastic surgery) adopt the cherubic face of blossoming youth, but she won’t regain her lost innocence. Similarly Snow White could don black leather and wield automatic weapons; alone, they won’t make her any tougher, though. Or will they? Perhaps if an awful old hag got to put on the pretty naiveté of childhood, even as a ruse, there’s a chance she could relearn blind trust and idealism. And Snow White, all decked out like a post-apocalyptic road warrior, might actually have to use those deadly guns—that’d toughen her up pretty quick. In a similar fashion, you might find that the act you’ve been putting on is slowly—but surely—becoming less of an act and more of a reality.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)