Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Baldasare Forestiere spent almost 50 years on his fantastic creation: the Forestiere Underground Gardens. In the arid San Joaquin Valley, he excavated the hardpan by hand to create a huge complex of gardens, filling most of a 10-acre parcel. You, too, may discover that the ground you’ve been cultivating is too sun-parched and infertile to support the plants you hoped would grow there. Could you do the equivalent of Mr. Forestiere, and go underground? Maybe what you hoped would grow on the surface would better thrive deep down, hidden from all but the most direct rays of the sun.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Some stores use smells to subtly encourage their customers to spend money. Tiny traces of lilac, freshly baked cinnamon buns, or soap might tickle your subconscious, via your sinuses. If only the people who think these things up could guess how bored you are by these pleasantly mundane scents. It’s not surprising, considering the exciting (if less pretty) odors you’re likely to encounter this week: exploding fireworks, sweaty lovers and dirty money. Don’t turn up your nose at any truffle you manage to root up, no matter how ugly or unappealing. Aromas can cause people to empty their wallets. Your trusty organ is far wiser; follow it and you’re likely to find adventure, passion and wealth, instead of the mall.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You can manufacture your own luck this week. There’s a condition, though: you can’t be the primary beneficiary of the good fortune you’ve spawned. That’s not to say you can’t reap the rewards you’ve earned. You can; just don’t hog them all. Hurry—we’re waiting for the windfalls generated by your astrological providence. This is more subtle than ramming your car into an armored truck and trying to make off with a bag of money. But being passive won’t do much for you. If you see an opportunity, please, for all our sakes, seize it.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You could spend a fortune on expensive yuppie dog treats, posture-adjusted food bowls, high-tech chew toys, designer leashes and tailored outfits, but your dog would probably prefer you didn’t. He’s probably happy with an old beat-up tennis ball. How many kids, exhausted by the profusion of shiny, brand-new toys bestowed on them during the holidays, prefer to play with the boxes they came in? You don’t need to buy fancy gifts to show those you adore how you feel. Don’t waste your money. A three-dollar bouquet of daisies or a postcard with a big, hand-scrawled heart is even sweeter than an overpriced sweater, in my opinion. Hold onto your cash. Save it for a trip, a new house or something that really counts.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You think too much. Quit it! Swat those tiny, pesky thoughts away like the inconsequential gnats they are. Your smartest thoughts come from your body, not your brain. Trust your gut. It knows how to sort through your life and get rid of the shit. I’m not ready to argue that it’s always better to not think things through, but this week—listen to your instincts. If you find yourself repeatedly hashing something out in your mind, listen to what your deepest impulse is, even if it doesn’t make sense. Some of the best choices never do.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
All your metaphorical dominoes are lined up, in the most elaborate pattern you’ve attempted to date. You included bridges, forks, merges, tunnels, spirals, even a loop or two. Now it’s time to tap that first one and let them all fall where they may. Don’t be disappointed by the anticlimactic nature of the catalytic moment (or with how quickly it’s all over); for months to come you’ll be reaping the rewards you’ve set up for yourself. Whether it’s a phone call to your best friend, an e-mail to your lover or a fistfight with the boss that’s going to set these events into motion, it’s time.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Ouch, your poor ass. You’re not a big cat, like those lucky Leos. That means you don’t always get to land on your feet. More often than not, it’s your butt that takes the fall. Unfortunately, this week there are some folks who’d love to take a potshot at you, or even swing a fist, if the situation permits. Those Taureans might be able to take a blow like that and keep charging, but that’s not your forte. Want my advice? Don’t count on a feline ability to tell which way is up or bull-like strength and endurance. See a pounding coming? Dodge.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Is it against the law to drive backwards? If it weren’t somewhat dangerous, I’d suggest you try getting everywhere in reverse this week. There’s a different energy when you back carefully into a situation, rather than boldly striding forward. Your usual awkward directness can be awfully intimidating to someone who doesn’t know you. Try it, just for a block or so. Walk backwards, looking over your shoulder to prevent accidents. People will have totally different reactions to you than they would’ve otherwise. And as a result, you get to see the facet of your life you’ve been missing, the one you need to see.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Yak, yak, yak. Look at you, gossiping with your best friend, giggling into the phone like naughty teenagers into the wee hours. By all means, be silly. Go there. All those serious processing sessions of last month couldn’t begin to convey the warmth and love you exude when you’re this delightfully playful and goofy. But don’t forget that this is serious business, this horsing around. It’s for your own mental health. If you can’t let yourself roll on the ground with a soul-shaking, body-healing 15-minute belly laugh, who do you think is going to let you?
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
As I reflected on your possible fate this week, my mind went blank. That’s when I realized—you’ve dropped completely off the radar. This can be both good and bad. In order to get you started on the right foot, I’ve begun a “To-do” and (more importantly) a “Not-to-do” list. To do: 1. Attempt that secret undercover mission that you’ve been saving “for the right time.” 2. Share the bad news that’s been weighing on your mind. Not To Do: 1. Try to get noticed by your longstanding crush. 2. Be a squeaky wheel—you’re not likely to get any grease this week. Count on not receiving any special attention—no rewards, but no punishments, either.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Game Over. Do not pass Go, collect $200, etcetera, etcetera. At least it looks that way. But on your last spin of that capricious wheel of fortune, you won an extra turn. Oh, the game is far from won. But now you’ve got a fighting chance, at least. You’ve earned enough slack time to undo some (or all) of the mistakes you made last month, the ones that almost lost you the game. So don’t give up, even when it looks like your rival’s got it all wrapped up. If worse comes to worse, remember this: The moment when he thinks it’s in the bag is the moment he’s most susceptible to a sucker punch.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
I admit it; I had a thing for Chewbacca. Let’s not get too kinky here—I mean it appealed to me to have a powerful, intelligent, sharp-toothed, gun-wielding, yet somehow cuddly friend around. Having a giant dog like my hound, Boomer Ang, is the closest substitute I could come up with on short notice, but I’ve recently discovered something special about you, Leo. We already know you’re your own worst enemy, and good at creating scary creatures to freak yourself out with. But now we know that being your very own monster can be a good thing, too.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)