Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Most Leos have little to fear from the world outside. A nearly indomitable will and impressive self-confidence such as you usually possess represents a formidable defense to whatever troubles life might throw your way. Actually, the only real danger to your shining power comes from within. You might trick or delude yourself into thinking you’re weak, or vulnerable in ways that you needn’t be. This week, if you find yourself experiencing pain, fear, or desire—don’t blame the supposed “cause” of your feeling. The only person who can “make” you feel anything is you. So, blame yourself. Or better yet, help yourself.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Pretend you’ll be going on a trip with a tall, dark stranger. Pack a suitcase full of money instead of clothes and don’t ask where you’re going. Sounds romantic, doesn’t it? Or creepy, depending on your point of view. In fact, you probably won’t be receiving offers to go on exotic adventure vacations with handsome, enigmatic strangers unless you’re very, very lucky. But if you do, have the courage to see it as romantic instead of sinister. You have the power to make it (and anything else that’s happening in your life right now) fit your perceptions perfectly. Why not, then, see it as a good thing?
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Car alarms are useless annoyances. Here’s how to steal a car equipped with an alarm: Act embarrassed but unfazed. Shrug helplessly. Appeal to your audience for sympathy as you drive off shaking your head at the blasted thing. Need to kidnap someone? In front of a crowd? No problem. Ham it up. Let everybody but your victim “in on the joke.” People will actually help you, when properly encouraged with winks and smiles. I’m not recommending that you actually steal vehicles or abduct enemies. These are just minor examples of what you’re capable of this week, just by acting capable. I’d keep it legal, though—your smile is unlikely to do as well in court as it did at the kidnapping.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Last night, I dreamt I gave birth to a water-loving, talking yellow housecat who could metamorphose into a lovable midget girl called Cathy. She wasn’t exactly what I expected my future child would be, but just the same I provided her with a wading pool to play in and a stretchy spandex outfit that would accommodate both her forms. She seemed pretty happy. The things we bring into this world, be they children, relationships, or works of art, rarely (if ever) turn out how we expect. The trick is to love and value them anyway.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Sagittarians don’t have enemies; instead they contend with rivals, competitors, and critics. This week, you’ll probably have to deal with several examples of each. Indeed, they’ll seem to be lined up as neatly and methodically as bowling pins. They won’t present much of a challenge, luckily. It’s almost as if they appeared merely to demonstrate your current level of might: both the personal power you now wield, and the strength of your allies. Not only do you possess a fierce, fast bowling ball more than capable of tumbling your antagonists into disarray, all your friends have balls of their own—and they know how to use them.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
I apologize if my horoscope seems a little low-key. See, I’m operating under an enormously heavy burden of guilt this week. One of my best Cap friends got sick while she was visiting me because she was having too much fun. How can I live with myself? I only can by taking this time to remind you: no one has power over you. I’m proud of the way you’ve fully realized this truth when it comes to the people bearing negativity, limitation, and pain into your life. But you could still work on your boundaries regarding those bringing light and fun. There is such a thing as too much. Don’t go blind admiring the sun.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
“Someone dared me,” does not hold up in court as a valid reason for anything. You get busted so rarely that you’ve forgotten how shitty it feels. Temper your evilest urges this week. That badass readiness you’ve got going on is sexy. But it’s dangerous, too. I’m not advising you to chill out completely—I know how taking chances gets your blood flowing. Just choose your risks wisely. Keep your stunts within the realm of the merely eccentric instead of the outrageously illegal—so if you’re asked to answer for your actions they can credibly fall into the categories of thoughtless, youthful pranks, or slightly offbeat practices of your new religion.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Like all of us, you’ve got a lot of different mental trips going on. Some are short, quick, and mildly disorienting, like airplane travel. Others are comfortable, eccentric, and companionable, like cross-country train journeys. A few are more private, like road trips with your best friends. And some (one in particular) are like deep, slow journeys underground. Since most of your day-to-day thoughts have been pretty sunny and easygoing recently, you might not have noticed the glimmer that’s appeared in the tunnel of one of your darkest and longest journeys. Go ahead and get your hopes up—that particular adventure is almost over.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
“Pin me down and kiss me for hours.” It’s a request you rarely receive (although your sign gets it more than most) but this week you might hear it a couple times—from more than one person. Yup, your compelling charisma cast a wider net than you intended, and you’ve snagged more than one tasty fish. Are you up for this? Is your bedroom tank big enough for two more? Can you give each one the love and attention s/he deserves? Only you can decide if you’ll try to keep both of them, or let one of them swim free right away. Before you make up your mind, consider this: Each fish, if properly treated, can grant you exactly one and a half wishes. You do the math.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
To goad myself into writing, I sometimes give myself an odious ultimatum. Today, it’s: “Write, or thoroughly clean the filthy, filthy kitchen.” Being by nature laid-back (read: lazy) this is often very effective at stirring up my inner muse. It’s still a close call, though. Writing is hard work, despite its apparent simplicity, and the rewards are sometimes more nebulous or obscure than having a spotless kitchen might be. The task you have ahead of you is probably less straightforward than you’d like; nevertheless it still must get done. Get cracking! Start your work, or go scrub toilets.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Somehow, you manage to look appealing and glamorous even when mopping up a disastrously overflowing toilet. I’ve seen you successfully flirt while scooping kitty litter, showing off your dishpan hands, or bathing the dog. But just because you’re capable of making such a good impression even in these most unappealing situations doesn’t mean you have to do all your own dirty work. In fact, if you can’t avoid dirty work completely this week, delegate. Your appointee might even do a better job. Most importantly, it will free you to finally do the vital (and sparklingly clean) task you assigned yourself months ago.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Your intellect is engaged in a to-the-death arm-wrestling match with your fantasies, while your gentler (but no less competitive, apparently) emotions are playing a high stakes game of boulder-paycheck-scalpel with your sweetest dreams. For a creature so oriented to your misty inner world, it must be jarring to bring your fantastic cloud kingdom here to earth. Nevertheless, down it comes. So your vast hopes don’t have to squeeze inside a studio apartment, better start making the phone calls, wielding the credit cards, and doing all the fancy footwork necessary to make them a solid, life-size reality.