Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Dear Leo, you’ve finally realized that life will never be perfect—and that’s a good thing. It gives you something to hope and strive for, which is what makes life fun and worth living. It’s boring about five minutes after you’ve gotten everything you want. Luckily, while on your journey you’ve also found the ability to appreciate all the sweetness that currently fills your existence, and to mostly ignore the bad. That’s one of the keys to your overall happiness, and overall, awesome news. Hang on to that, and “bad weeks” will become mostly a thing of the past; from here on out, the spectrum ought to run from “pretty good” to “downright awesome.”
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Holy shit, that tool belt of yours must weigh 30 pounds. You’re so prepared for certain eventualities (like mechanical breakdowns, ninja attacks or beauty contests) that you’re completely helpless when confronted with other, unforeseen situations–-like having to run a timed shopping spree, cross a tenuous rope bridge or sneak up on someone. To equip yourself for some of the latter activities, would you consider lightening your load? That doesn’t mean leaving yourself completely unprepared for the former ones, though. Stuff a good pocketknife and a smartphone in your pocket, don some decent running cross-trainers and consider yourself ready for anything.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Don’t give up so quickly. Sometimes good things just fall in your lap, but truly special moments often take a little work. If they were too easy, you wouldn’t appreciate them. Live for the exceptions, baby. (It’s the only way to lead an exceptional life—don’t you want that?) They’re worth it. Take the risks. Make the extra effort. Try again. Yes, I mean you. It’s supposed to be hard, so you’ll value your goal (New love? Promotion? Gold medal?) once you get it. If you’re feeling discouraged, remember: you’ve got absolutely nothing to lose except your average, familiar existence.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
A lot of people in my old home, San Francisco, rave about the weather there. I don’t get it. Regarding my climatic preference: give me seasons (and I’m not referring to Damp, Foggy, Rainy, and Dry)! That’s why you Scorpios intrigue me. Your internal emotional temperatures can range from scorching to Absolute Zero. While we’re talking about your inner climate, I might as well mention: You’re due for a week or two of balmy sea breezes, sunshine, and only enough drizzle to generate rainbows. If it’s all too sickeningly sweet for you, never fear: You’re bound to have an exciting hurricane or two before summer’s through.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Slather on the sunscreen. You rarely seek out the spotlight. Nor do you avoid it. Occasionally you bask in its radiance. Usually, though, it centers on those who actively seek out the glory, or demand it. Most of the time, you simply can’t be bothered with this essentially petty game. Worry not, you won’t have to cope with the direct glare of the full-force high-beam of dazzling attention. But this week it might settle on someone so close to you that you’d better protect yourself with a pair of sunglasses and some 15 SPF sunblock. Don’t freak—it won’t last long; probably just long enough to give yourself a lovely, sexy, all-over tan.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You feel like a boomerang, finally arcing back toward the force that propelled you away originally. I’d argue your current state is more like that of a flying fish taking its first leap from the waves. Following your swift glide, you plunge back into the life-giving water. Your first sensation may be one of relief as you return to familiar, nurturing surroundings. But I think you’ll find that the new place you’ve discovered is just as much a necessary part of you as the old neighborhood that you’ve lived in up till now. Own it, baby. Your world just got twice as big–-and there’s more where that came from.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
All your big plans may just boil down to nothing. In fact, the more you put into them this week, the more frivolous they’ll seem in the long run—something akin to traveling to the southern hemisphere to watch water spiral the other way down the drain. I don’t want your reaction to be, “Huh. So what’s the big deal?” because then you’d kick yourself for wasting so much time on them. Instead, let them sit for a week. If they’re truly worthwhile, they’ll still compel you next week. Then you’ll be boxing kangaroos and silly, inconsequential details like water dynamics will barely scratch your notice.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
It’s important to your own evolution to get to the point where most of your emotional energy is devoted to others, instead of yourself. That nurturing energy is one of your magic powers. But you can’t take care of other people unless you learn how to (and do) take care of yourself well. Once you’ve learned to aim your ray of comfort inward, you’ll find that there’s plenty left over for everyone else. However, if you use it for others’ benefit before taking care of your own needs, you’ll soon discover that there’s scarcely anything left for you. It would be sheer folly to advise nearly any other sign (save those beleaguered Virgos) to adopt a “Me first” attitude this week–-but that’s exactly what I suggest to you.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
We are the looked-for end result of centuries of history. Never before have individuals been as empowered as we are now—culturally, economically, technologically. Nearly everyone in America has at least some time to explore their creativity. Growing numbers of people pursue careers “telling their truth” in whatever forms that might take—and they do well. What’s with you holdouts? Do you think your unique perspective is less interesting or valuable than those propagated by the rest of us? Au contraire—we’re in great need of what you have to say. So quit giving your mojo to The Man and give it to people, in general.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
In order for human consciousness to evolve, we must reject authority. I’m not talking anarchy here. I’m referring to a basic shift from hierarchy to cooperation. Don’t stop listening to those who’re supposedly wiser, or simply more powerful. But make your own choices. Don’t blindly submit to the whims of a CEO, parent, or god. Practice this. The next time (and every time, subsequently) that you’re issued an order, ultimatum, or veiled threat, hear it as the choice you’re really being given. You may still choose to submit. But you may not. Suddenly, the power’s in your hands.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You big goof. Because of your excess of charm, your social ineptitude doesn’t usually show. But when you blunder—and blunder you have—it’s sometimes puzzling to you. “Like, what happened?” Fixing it is even more of a mystery. Movie cliché reconciliations won’t work—maybe a Leo could pull off the moonlight serenade with roses, but not you. So what to do? It’s so easy: be yourself. Don’t hesitate when it comes to being real. Bumble around, admit your confusion and face the music. It’s more likely to be a love song than a dirge, if you follow my advice.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
This week you’re everyone’s Sugar Mama (or Poppa): shoulder to cry on, giver of cash loans, baker of cakes, and singer of lullabies. Great. These are some of your shiniest qualities, and can definitely earn you some karma bucks. But don’t overdue it. There’s a fine line between offering support and undermining foundations. It’s not pretty when a reasonable request for help mutates into full-blown dependence. Maintain those well-defined boundaries, and you maintain your freedom. That way folks won’t have as much reason to resent it when (like, next week) Good Witch gets tired and Moody Bitch takes over.