Cancer (June 21-July 22)
How do you fly in your dreams? Do you swim through the atmosphere, glide, drift gently on warm breezes, catapult through the air like Superman, or impotently hover two feet above the ground? Your REM soaring technique reflects on your current attitude towards moving (or not) through life. Shallow symbolism? Perhaps. Or maybe you’re not willing to admit that, lately, your method of navigation has been to simply ride the strongest breath most recently blown in your direction. Flap your damn arms. Take responsibility for your direction instead of blaming your past circumstances for the mess you’re in now.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Sometimes strokes of luck hit so hard they hurt. This week, you may be dashed nearly to pieces by at least one freak occurrence of narrowly averted un-luck—or, good luck cleverly disguised as bad. A careening cab comes close to creaming you, and you tumble into the arms of your newest good friend. Nearly trapped in an elevator, you actually look at your fellow passengers. You miss the train that would get you to your meeting on time, but catch the eye of your next great love, waiting for the next train, just like you. The next time you’re nearly zapped by lightning, check out the source—the silver lining of the storm is your birthright, at least for a while.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
It’s frustrating, isn’t it, to have all these magnificent plans simply waiting to be brought to fruition, while you’re stuck sitting on your hands? It just plain sucks, especially when you think about all the times in your life when you were less directed and self-aware, but more empowered to act. Don’t give up on those dreams; they’ll come—perhaps even sooner than you think! See, on the surface this may appear to be a simple lesson in patience: Good things come to those who wait, and all that. But it’s not. Your hands may be tied, but your mouth isn’t. Good things come to those who ask for them, not who silently abide. Your assignment this week—decide what to ask for and from whom, then do it.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Virgos keep clean closets. I’ve seen this happen: One Virgo enters the home of another, and knows exactly where to find towels, Tupperware, or toilet paper rolls. That’s because most Virgos subscribe to basically the same version of reality. Their system makes sense, even to organizationally-challenged people like me (and maybe you). Libras are more idiosyncratic and artistic. The sooner your friends accept this basic fact about you, the happier everyone will be. They don’t have to understand why you hang clothes in the pantry and store cleaning supplies in your bedroom. You just do.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
I look forward to the day you learn to truly relax. I picture you holding court, wizened and wise, in a rocking chair on your front porch. People will come to you for witty advice, sage counsel, and practical know-how. And you won’t be at the mercy of your intense, over-committed lifestyle. You’ll have realized—at last—that you choose your busy-ness, instead of being a worried slave to it. But why wait until you’re old and withered and forced by circumstance into that realization? Think of it now, while you’re young enough to enjoy it.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
I had a cynical teacher in high school who used to say: “Thank God for stupid people.” Who else, he reasoned, would clean our houses, pick up our trash, wash our cars, and otherwise do all the tedious, menial tasks that more “evolved” people (like himself, presumably) couldn’t be bothered with? I, too, am grateful for those who are willing to do things I don’t enjoy. But I’m not idiotic enough to assume they’re stupid. Don’t kid yourself about the nature of your relationships. You are the servant to those you depend on, not the other way around.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Some of your ideas and opinions are anchored by rigid concepts, calcified politics and blind faith. They’re pent up by unyielding schedules and controlled lists. I know you can’t ignore (or, better yet, incinerate, shred!) your day-planner. Unfortunately, most of you can’t seem to happily manage just getting your shit done in the haphazard, free-flowing manner the rest of us get by with. There may be no hope for you, bound and gagged as you are by your own mind–-more effectively than by the harshest slave master. But some Caps have learned the creative and spiritual importance of time to do nothing (or anything), and actually schedule time for this. Will you?
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You lucky, lucky brat. The hardest part of being so damn fortunate is diverting the jealousy of everyone else. You could try modesty—quit bragging, you loudmouth—although once your luck is discovered, it’s that much more astonishing (and enviable). There’s an elegantly simple solution that doesn’t run so counter to your nature: radical generosity. Spread the love around. That’ll keep people rooting for you. Don’t you just love the resulting image you’ll present—some kind of well-loved combination of Santa Claus and King Midas (whose touch turned things to gold)? Make it happen, baby.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Take special notice of fences, walls, security gates, and window bars. Boundaries. You have trouble setting them, declaring them, and defending them. But you’d rather suffer than step on someone else’s toes. I’ve decided it’s my duty to teach you sweethearts how to be gateways but not doormats; exalted servants, not slaves; and how to fly along with the people you lift up so high. Lesson one: Say no to every favor you’re asked this week. Really mean it. Once you’ve had a chance to breathe in your new freedom, selectively reconsider. Everyone who thought they had you in their pocket will know you jumped out, and everyone who believed they had you wrapped around a finger will realize that you cut it off.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Imagine being wrapped in black velvet on a sunny day. Suddenly, what might have been comfortable in another context isn’t; all that cozy luxury is transmuted into a form of horrendous torture. Being packed into an overcrowded commuter bus could be a claustrophobic nightmare—unless you were dying of hypothermia, or isolated loneliness. Every situation, no matter how extreme, can be interpreted in a variety of ways, depending on where you’re coming from. Since you can’t seem to squirm out of your trickiest dilemma, perhaps you can wriggle out of your limiting mindset about it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
When I worked in the produce department at a health food store, I read many studies conducted to determine the differences between organic and commercially produced fruits and vegetables. In addition to some pretty nasty—and virtually irremovable—shit they spray on some crops, they force them to grow with foul chemical fertilizers. Scientists hired to prove the opposite could only conclude that most of these vegetables and fruits were—nutritionally—bland, empty shadows of their organic counterparts. I share this information not just to plug sustainable agriculture, but to warn you: Watch what you feed yourself—mentally, spiritually, and physically—what’s put in is what’ll come out, only superficially transformed.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
This week will have at least a superficial resemblance to going bowling. You’ll pay for the privilege of putting on tight, smelly shoes worn by untold dozens of people from all walks of life. You’ll attempt to enjoy absorbing all that smoke-breathing, junk-food-eating sweat through the pores of your feet. Don’t get it? You’ll probably have to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. If you don’t get all caught up in feelings of abashed superiority, you might realize how well they fit, might even be tempted to sneak the shoes out of the alley and wear them until they wear right out.