Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Ready for launch, captain? Whoops, you look surprised; didn’t you realize your scheduled blastoff is today? It’s now too late to properly calculate the trajectory of your emotional rockets, but you can prepare in other ways. For example: research possible places to crash land, and take stock of your inventory of practicality, flexibility, and resourcefulness. Last minute takeoffs are scary, but I predict: Reasonable preparations on your part this week will make you more than ready—(read: extremely likely)—to find and explore a lush, undiscovered land you’ve heretofore only dreamed about, and which you’d never have found without this “happy accident.”
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Lately people have been looking at you as they would at something that’s usually dangerous but has been rendered harmless, like a defanged cobra, a stinkless skunk, or a dismantled nuclear warhead, or perhaps a declawed crab. When deprived of a sense, people tend to become powerfully aware of their remaining senses, helping them to compensate, and often revealing hidden talents. In your case, it’s your potential for causing harm that’s been temporarily disarmed; however, that means you can now plumb the heretofore-unknown depths of your ability to instigate peace, stimulate joy, and radiate harmony.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
I dreamt you started a band called The Unstoppables, symbolic of your ability to accomplish virtually anything you set your mind to, even achieve long-term success in a fickle and unfriendly corporatized music industry. You had the power to pull together a substantial and loyal fan base, get along fabulously with your diverse bandmates, and make a decent living off your music. It was your mission. Is there anything in your life that you can identify as your purpose? Practice saying it: “______ is the reason I was put on this planet, and nothing can derail me from doing it.”
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
I’m bored with magicians who pull doves, rabbits, or tigers out of their hats. If you’ve been perpetuating this kind of un-amazing cliché, shame on you, Virgo. Maybe you could pull something more useful out of it, like a cure for cancer, a cheap, renewable energy source, or a portable time machine. If you’re wasting your ability to perform real miracles on paltry sleight-of-hand tricks, stop! I’m warning you, if you don’t exercise those stiff and unused muscles and perform at least one minor miracle this week, your candidacy for sainthood (or martyrdom, really) could be called into question. Use it or lose it, baby.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Egyptian pharaohs built pyramids as gravestones. These represented their earthly power and wealth, a tangible symbol of the pharaoh’s importance. They also served as beacons to thieves, who knew that these rulers were entombed surrounded by their material fortunes. Eventually some pharaoh wised up and hid his tomb, to help prevent his stuff getting stolen after he was dead. It’s a practice I’d recommend for you, Libra—lately you’ve advertised your achievements more effectively than a pyramid could, and found most of their worth siphoned right out from beneath you. The next time you do something great, shut up about it, and enjoy more of the rewards.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Barbara Kingsolver writes an essay about her pet hermit crab, who’d periodically retreat into his shell and enter a death-like state, not eating, moving or responding to outside stimuli. Eventually, he’d emerge and go about his hermit crab business as if nothing had happened. Finally she deduced that although the crab lived vast distances from the ocean, he was responding to the moon’s pull—it was high tide in Tucson again. Your own mysterious withdrawals probably seem as inexplicable to your intimates—and yourself—as a hermit crab’s private motivations. The difference is: you’re a conscious, sentient being, therefore capable of working with your own tidal moods, or at least not torturing us with them.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Ideas have a life of their own. They seek to propagate themselves, to spread, mutate, evolve and grow. Some persist despite frantic efforts to stamp them out. Even those who despise superstitions can still feel compelled to not walk under ladders or step on cracks in the sidewalk, for instance. This is an example of ideas having a life beyond our conscious thought. I say all this to excite you, not to confuse or frighten you. Your own smart brain is ready to pump out ideas that will last for many years, maybe even forever. Make them positive, helpful ones.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Have you ever dreamt that you’re on stage, or delivering a presentation, and you have no idea what your next line is, or who you’re supposed to be? This week you may feel as if you fell backwards into a play you didn’t know you were in. Shoved out in front of the crowd, you probably won’t remember a single line, since you never knew any to begin with. But you must admit you’re thrilled to have an audience again, even if you don’t know what the hell you’re doing. Own your stardom, Cap. Your new mantra, from this day forward: Everyone wants to see me shine.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
A week of run-ins and unlikely confrontations awaits you. You’ll engage in a cutting battle of wits with your most devious, brilliant, and challenging adversary. You’ll also need to deflect the poisonous attentions of the sexiest, most wickedly aggressive villain in your life. Besides that, you’ll probably have to lock horns with that old billygoat who is your most dull, obstinate, conservative influence—and the one you have the most respect for. Be inspired, not daunted. Imagine each foot extended to trip you and hand outstretched to stop you as just another rung on the ladder of your achievement. Be flattered by the attention, not intimidated. Remember; no one would spend this much time and energy opposing you if you didn’t matter.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You’re about the only thing going forward this week. Fierce, hurricane-force winds are lofting furiously pedaling witches on bicycles, tranny prostitutes tussling with their pimps, three-piece-suited businessmen, and the fat corner hot dog vendor downtown as you head uptown unimpeded. Don’t be distracted. Artfully dodge flying mailboxes, mannequins, and manna from heaven. Your goal is all that matters. Get a good grip on it, the only thing that promises to stay rooted and stable in all this chaos. Then and only then can you safely reach out a helping hand to those who need it, and pull them into the eye of your storm.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Before you call the local exorcist regarding your boss or girlfriend, make sure they’re actually possessed. I mean, isn’t that a little like the pot calling the grass green? You’ve been so unlike yourself this past week that I’m sure at least one friend has noticed. Are you overworked or stressed out? Maybe. But isn’t it more likely that your perpetual quest for true freedom has led you to transcend the restrictions of your own self-definition? In other words, I hope you’ve realized that you’re just an actor playing the part of yourself. The sooner you understand that you also happen to be top understudy for a plethora of other roles, the freer you will be.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
In the future, we may travel to distant solar systems inside hollowed-out asteroids designed to function like little worlds. For decades, possibly even many generations, humans will live inside these planetoids while they cross galaxies in search of other life, or planets to populate. There’s no predicting what people (or their descendants) will be like after decades inside a traveling asteroid. The same thing, however, is true of ourselves—we may begin an action today with no concept of what the future consequences will be. In fact, I predict that any major decisions you make this week will have unforeseeable results. Not good or bad, just surprising.