Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Different things have different learning curves. Some activities, like oil painting or martial arts, have lengthy, slow curves, requiring practice and persistence. You might be able to punch through a sheet of paper on your first day, but putting your fist through a 2×4 is going to take a long while to work up to. On the other hand, there are useful skills—such as riding a bike, or cooking a nice meal—that you can absolutely learn in a few hours. Recognize which kind of activity you’re beginning now, and adjust your patience accordingly; your happiness depends on it.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You’re allowed to fall in love, you know. Sometimes, when you’re on the verge, you just sort of fearfully hover, noncommittally. You get bashful about adoration the way some people get pee-shy in public restrooms. Luckily, the latest object of your adulation enjoys worship—in small doses, anyway. It’s an ideal situation for you to overcome your inhibitions about being swooningly, obnoxiously in love. I expect the average romantic temperature of your life to rise by at least a couple degrees this month, and for some days to reach highs you didn’t know you could stand.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week you might feel like you’re slipping backwards down a steep, endless, twisting slide. Instead of grappling desperately at the sides, or vainly trying to brace your feet, why not accept your fate? Who’s to say that what lies at the bottom is worse than what you left at the top? Remember the last time you were booted from your boyfriend’s apartment or fired from a job? Lucky you—something wonderfully fabulous usually happens before you hit the sidewalk. Since there’s no stopping you in your brilliant tumble to the next chapter, is there any way you can just relax and enjoy the euphoric thrill of the ride?
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
When you cast your nets this wide, you’re bound to catch more fish than you need. Some weeks (like this one), you can’t throw them back fast enough. You’ll have wide-eyed victims of your charms flopping around in front of you, gasping for breath. You might consider converting to line fishing for a month or so, since your hook is so well baited. If not, at least reduce the amount of netting you have trawling through the sea. Otherwise, you might be so busy returning rejects to the ocean that the big, juicy fish you intended to keep might slip away before you have a chance to enjoy them.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Tonight, don your cloak of invisibility and go out. Revel in all the lovely things you can see, and juicy secrets you can uncover, when you’re trying very hard to not be noticed (for a change). Later this week, pretend you have laryngitis and can only speak when absolutely necessary. Turn yourself inside out if you can, transform your extroversion to introversion. All of this is required if you are to rediscover the humanity and kindness you’ve been missing and which your cynicism has almost killed. See you next week (but not this one), wallflower.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Imagine yourself hiking along the lip of a seething, only barely dormant volcano. The deep crater yawns next to you, a gurgling throat of barely restrained lava threatening destruction at any time. The Hawaiian volcano goddess is called Pele. Regardless of what you call yours, s/he’s someone you’d rather be an ally than an enemy—trust me. It’s all or nothing with this one. Make every proper sacrifice, offering and prayer to garner their protection and aid, and possibly adoration and affection. Don’t know what’s required? Just ask. She’s in just the right mood to tell you.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You don’t have many allies this week, but then again, you don’t need them. Just think of yourself as the one who got left behind when the rest of the Avengers went off to fight their arch-nemesis on the other side of the planet. You’re left to pursue your own solo adventure, saving the world while your team discovers that the threat they went to combat was actually just a ruse, a distraction from the real danger. This time you get to save everyone on your own, with no one else even trying to hog the credit.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Make do. You’ve heard the adage, “Necessity is the mother of invention.” A sieve will serve as well as a colander. A paring knife will do when you can’t find your scissors. Replacing objects is easy, especially for someone as frugal, resourceful and practical as you. But what about coming up with vivid compensation for the absent emotional or mental stimulus you’ve been craving? Television and the Internet pale in comparison to real, live, warm human beings who care about you. The good news: there are more of them than you think, standing by to step in and fill the gap. All you need to do is ask.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Frivolous extravagance isn’t really your style, particularly when it comes to romance. Buying bouquets of roses or writing sappy love letters just feels cheesy. You just have different priorities; you’d rather save your money for an adventure for two in some wonderfully exotic location. However, since your rare grand gestures and frequent subtle ones can unfortunately be eclipsed by the ferociously romantic images that surround us in movies and on bad TV shows, it might behoove you to go pick some wildflowers or compose a haiku of adoration once in a while. Try that this week.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
A nature hike has me marveling; the pond teems with tiny fish, the air buzzes with countless drowsy crickets, and frogs leap away from my giant, clumsy feet. Yellow flowers nod their crumpled faces like agreeable old people. Dogs bark in the distance. A dragonfly zips by in a magenta streak. Feel like your life is slightly dead, or empty? Go forth, zombie, and actually take note of what’s around you. There’s marvelous life in the cracks of the concrete sidewalk, in the smiling face of that woman on the street corner, in the fleas on her dog, even inside you. Slow down and find it.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Flaunt your horns. One of the elements of a successful seduction is danger, mystery, adventure. For example, let us examine two of the sexiest signs: Scorpio and Pisces. For those fast folk who flit capriciously to be consumed by Scorp like moths immolated in a flame, it’s that possible sting that inexorably attracts. Or those who drift helplessly into Pisces’ hypnotic grasp can feel the potential of drowning in his or her cloudy emotional depths. So start showing off those fierce horns, baby. Sure, it’ll scare some folks away. But you’re hardly a suitable match for the weak of heart anyway, now are you?
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Although you can be as contagious and inconvenient as poison ivy at times, you’ve kept an exceptionally low profile lately. Lurking like a toadstool among daisies, you’ve been taking notes and spreading spore. Pretty soon, though, you’ll bloom. Go to bed happy. In the morning you’ll awaken a beautiful butterfly. Displaying your beauty and appeal will attract your share of predators and sheep, though, so you’d better hide poison darts in your nectar-sipping proboscis, or switchblades behind your petals—some way of keeping those worshippers in line.