Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Whether or not you actually want to play the role of trusted confidante, this week you’ll find yourself thrust into those shoes, anyway. Be worthy of them. Shattering someone’s trust by throwing them under the bus, blabbing their secrets, or otherwise skipping out on the situation would be something you’d regret, later, even if it feels like the easy way out of an uncomfortable situation right now. Stick it out, give advice when asked for it, and be the compassionate shoulder they expect you to be. Even if those shoes pinch a little now, they’ll soon fit like a glove, and you’ll be glad you were able to come through.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
This week, value newness. Sure, a virgin will probably suck at sex the first time, but they’re also going to bring excitement and a fresh perspective to the scenario. Since we’re probably talking about something other than sex here, your experience is as much a handicap as it is a strength. Combining it with someone else’s unsullied enthusiasm can only make this situation more successful and much more fun. This is one of those times when the most experienced candidate isn’t necessarily the best one. Look at the big picture and how someone will fit into it, and you’ll see that.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You may not be able to deliver on your commendable intentions. Recognize that, and for now opt for providing the bare minimum. I admire your desire to give someone something special, but it’s not always realistic or logistically feasible. For example, how many heartfelt letters have languished on your desktop for months or longer because you never got around to finishing them, despite those wonderfully generous intentions? Send a brief note right now, and then if you can’t complete the letter any time soon at least you’ll have done something—which is far better than nothing.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Mirrors don’t always flatter, especially when others hold them up to you when you’re not exactly at your best. Although you loathe (and avoid like the plague) when someone points out your flaws and foibles, it’s often a necessary step towards personal growth and evolution. It may be unpleasant, but it’s for your own good. Luckily, the person who’s holding up the mirror this week is willing and able to do so in a way that’s teasing, kind, and ultimately loving. Don’t be unduly offended or upset. Take it as the sign of caring and support it actually is.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Sometimes people have problems they can’t get out from under on their own. Your admirable natural tendency is to help. This noble impulse is something I truly love about you. However, you must also recognize that sometimes people need more aid than you (or any one person) can offer, so reaching out to them risks getting dragged down into the muck yourself. That may be the case this week. That doesn’t mean saying, “no,” but it does mean your best bet is to look for something (or someone) to hang onto before you reach out a helping hand.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Changing things up in a relationship is entirely possible, but expecting it to go smoothly, without any hiccups, isn’t particularly realistic. Rocking the boat involves, well, some rocking, and can potentially capsize the whole thing. Don’t be surprised when people freak out. Transitioning into or out of a romantic relationship, or evolving from student (or child) to peer, is going to feel awkward at first, and it might be entirely on you to help things along to a good place. Above all, don’t freak out. Keep your eye on the relationship you want, and confidently and patiently head in that direction; then you may very well (eventually) get there.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Sorry babe, transformation isn’t instant. You don’t get to close your eyes one day and wake up the next day and discover you magically became a beautiful butterfly overnight. Most of the time, this kind of dramatic metamorphosis happens slowly. It’s a long, laborious process in a dark, uncomfortable cocoon. When you witness such a three-dimensional makeover in someone else, it can seem sudden and surprising when they unfurl those gorgeous Technicolor wings—but you can be sure that it was preceded by a lot of quiet, difficult work behind the scenes. You still have a ways to go, but at least you’re on your way. Be patient. You’ll get there.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Some criticism comes from jealousy, cruelty, or pure spite. But much of it, weirdly, comes from love and caring. Why should someone spend a lot of time poking holes into what you’re up to, unless they actually give a shit about you? When I don’t care about someone, I’ve nothing to say about them, one way or another, because I simply don’t spend time thinking about them unless they’re right in front of me. So try to assess whether the unflattering analysis you’ve become privy to was coming from a place of malice, or, actually, of caring. If it’s the latter, be grateful, or at least neutral—not pissed.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Okay, so you screwed up. Maybe if someone else had done what you’ve done, you’d be unable to forgive and forget. Luckily for you, other people aren’t you. They may have a much greater capacity to let bygones be bygones. Give them a chance to let your mistake become water under the bridge by offering a heartfelt apology and seeing what happens. They might very well be just as uncompromising as you expect, and your words may fall on deaf ears. Or they could simply forgive you and be ready to move on. You’ll never know unless you try, so go do that. What, after all, have you got to lose?
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You’ve tried bargaining and advising. It’s time to take a stand, and that means doing something you hate: making a dramatic ultimatum. Of course, if you make one, you must follow through, so be prepared to deliver on your threats or promises. You may wish it hadn’t gotten to that point, but if you’ve tried everything else, and can’t continue with things as they are, there’s really nothing else left. To shake up the situation, you’ll need to deliver an “or else.” Then be prepared to live with the consequences. They may not be what you hoped for, but at least things will be different than they are now—and that’s got to be an improvement.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Everyone’s got a voice in their heads that whispers their deepest doubts and fears, usually at the most inopportune times. Defanging the crazy cat lady in your brain is of paramount importance, when it comes to living a happy and fulfilled life. The next time she bugs you, asks her where she gets her information. The truth is, she’s pulling it out of her ass, and it has no basis in actual reality, so heeding her is basically as ridiculous as seriously listening to the homeless guy muttering on the street corner. You need to relegate her to her proper place in your mind, which isn’t the prominent pedestal she currently occupies. Knock her down.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Bigotry in any form is pretty dumb. The natural progression of such backwards thinking has already amply been demonstrated by stuff like women’s rights and trying to erase institutionalized racism. Opposing gay marriage feels about as backwards as thinking women shouldn’t vote or interracial marriages should be banned. Sadly, many people still ascribe to such outlandishly outdated viewpoints. That’s why there’s still a pressing need for outspoken people like you to loudly proclaim their more enlightened viewpoints. This week, there’ll be some people who desperately need to hear what you have to say. Please deliver.