Aries (March 21-April 19)
There are certain people in your life who are practically contractually obligated to take your side and give you the benefit of the doubt—any doubt—at all times. When they don’t live up to their side of the bargain, they need to be called on it, and possibly downgraded in status and position in your life. Everyone needs at least one person who’s always in their corner, no matter what, especially you Rams, who get yourselves into scrapes and backed into corners more often than most other signs. Who’s your consistent and steadfast ally? Make sure they know how much you appreciate it this week.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Nitpicking is a tough habit to break (especially if you were raised by nitpicky parents), so we get it. But it’s a horrible thing to be around. You must unlearn it. I doubt you’ll ever be able to simply gloss over and fail to notice all the little things that bug you, but resisting the urge to “fix” them (usually by telling others how much they bother you, and to stop) is absolutely key to your future happiness. Recognize how petty your concerns are in the grand scheme of things, and get over them, pronto—for your sake as well as ours.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Sarcasm is hilarious until it’s relentlessly employed. Your mischievous wit is wonderful, most of the time, but it has a terrible downside, too. When people can’t ever catch you being sincere about anything, it becomes a kind of problem, my dear. We love your wit, humor, and playful attitude towards life, and want you to keep it 90% intact. But this week especially, you need to inject about 10% more seriousness and sincerity into your interactions, or people will find you, in general, 100% less funny, fun to be around, or worth spending time with.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
How long should you beat yourself up about something you did wrong? Most Cancers extend the masochistic self-torture long past the point of reason or reasonableness, and are usually still at it long after their transgressions have been forgiven and/or forgotten by everyone else concerned. How, pray tell, is that serving you? There’s a difference between learning a lesson from a mistake you made and punishing yourself so extensively that it keeps you from real happiness. I won’t begrudge you a delicious gristly morsel of guilt to chew on for a while. But you have to promise to spit it out before you’ve worried all the flavor right out of it.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Open-mindedness will save your ass this week. Sometimes we get into a bit of a habit where our automatic response to anything new is, “no thanks.” However, that’s counterproductive to what you’re trying to achieve right now. That “no” is born out of a subconscious fear of the unknown, or failure, generally—something you really need to get over. The unknown has lots of great stuff that will ultimately add to your life. Try to make your new default answer “yes.” Even though that might get you into a few weird situations, almost all of them will, ultimately, turn out to be positive.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Being considerate of how other people will receive something you say or do is one thing, but being overly concerned about what they think of you is quite another. Just letting go of others’ perceptions and opinions is something I wouldn’t expect you to happily do, ever. That’d be like denying yourself a superpower and a twisted pleasure/worry, all at once. However, I hope that you’ll be able to mostly not care much. Ultimately, unless you’re doing real harm to someone (including yourself), you should feel free to do whatever the hell you want. Ironically, the less you care about others’ negative judgments, the fewer of them you’ll receive.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
When I lived in Berlin, virtually everyone I interacted with spoke fluent English, so I actually had to make German friends who liked me enough to suffer through halting baby talk conversations in German before I was really able to consistently practice speaking the language. You, too, require others to accomplish your goals or master the tasks you’ve set before you. Like me, finding people who adore you enough to humor or indulge you will be key to making progress towards your goals this week. Luckily, because so many people do think you’re wonderful, that shouldn’t be terribly hard.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You know how, during a race, the sight of a finish line can spur you to tap into reserves you didn’t realize you had? Before you turned the bend, you might have been panting for breath and unsure how you were going to be able to continue, but once you spotted the end of the race, suddenly you found you could sprint top speed. That’s because you always have hidden strength lurking just out of sight (even your own perception), requiring a specific catalyst to allow yourself access to it. A spark of this exact sort should evoke a surprising (and delightful) response in you this week. Enjoy!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Jokes can get taken too far. It’s unfortunate when something that began with decent, mostly good-hearted intentions ends up having negative repercussions. That may happen this week. If it does, the best thing you can do is notice, put a stop to whatever’s happening, and backpedal as quickly as possible. People’s feelings may get bruised, but finding the right blend of sympathy and low-key apology will keep everything from getting blown out of proportion. Fortunately, you’re so loveable and charming, you can, as long as you don’t blow off someone’s hurt feelings, talk your way out of almost any mess. Just try not to duplicate this situation any time soon—because pulling off a similar feat a second time won’t be so easy.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your body’s a resilient machine. It can cope with small amounts of virtually anything. But load it up with larger quantities of anything unnatural, be it processed foods, cigarettes, diet soda, etc., and you may be setting yourself up for problems. Everything in moderation, my friend! You know you’ve crossed that line a while back, but it’s not too late to mostly recover from any damage you may have done—provided you start taking steps now, today, to make better choices. If you can’t be bothered, try not to be bitter later—you’ll have only yourself to blame.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Sometimes you just know something’s not going to go well, before you even really get started with it. Trust your gut. It might be best to cut your losses and bail out now, before you’re mired deeper into this mess. Make your apologies, and as gracious an exit as possible, but get the hell out. Someone may be miffed about your swift exit, but not as pissed as they’d be if you stuck around and made the whole situation worse. Of course, they don’t know that, so try to make your escape as plausible as possible. If you can fake an illness or produce a few well-timed tears, that’d help.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Heartbreak’s a part of life. Trying to shield yourself from it is really crippling your ability to enjoy and be open to your relationships. While it’s a good idea to put up a wall or three during the healing process, right after your heart’s been broken, those barriers need to eventually come down, just like a bandage needs to come off of a wound. Being cautious thereafter is natural, but eventually you must be willing to take some risks. You’ve been wearing a couple of your emotional bandaids so long they’re starting to get crusty. Rip them off already. It’s time.