This week’s all about almost-lost, nearly-forgotten opportunities. You thought you totally missed the window, that any chance you had to get that apartment, job, lay, relationship, etc., was completely over. It probably was, except for a peculiar twist of fate, or someone’s whim. Sometimes shit just happens, and there’s nothing you can do to encourage or prevent it. Sometimes it’s even good shit, like the stuff you’re about to experience. Now you’re about to get a second (or third, or fifth) chance, which you couldn’t possibly have expected (or even dared to hope for). Don’t blow it (again).
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
The good news is that the wound will heal. The bad news is that the medicine is almost worse than the injury. That scratch is infected. Unfortunately, the pills you have to take, while clearing up that stubborn but superficial flesh wound, will keep you within 50 paces of the toilet. So you’re going to suffer to heal that abrasion. Sometimes you have to go through hardship to be made whole again. I know it sucks, but it’s still better than the alternative. When you put it in perspective (don’t heal the scratch, you eventually lose the limb), enduring a week of the runs isn’t all that bad.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
I may have been a bit harsh on you last week, Aquarius, and for that I apologize. It’s only because I have such high hopes for you. I live to see other people fulfill their potential (and discover there’s always further they could go), and I’m disappointed when people slack off in its exploration. It’s okay to cruise once in a while and just enjoy where you’re at. But foregoing opportunities to take yourself to the next level because you’re just plain lazy is something I can’t just let you do. This week, work on finding that balance between the pure aimless enjoyment of life and taking steps towards maximizing that enjoyment.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You’re a bit of a drama queen. We’ve always known it. This week, you’ll finally admit it (to yourself). When you get a peek into that somewhat unflattering mirror, don’t be boring and react in stereotypical Piscean fashion by plunging into isolated depression, moping around doing unhealthy things until the shock fades from your mind. It’s no biggie; we’ve all had our moments of extreme theater. Freaking out is just making the label more true by generating even more drama. Taking a deep breath and acting with grace and humor is what it will take to finally outgrow it.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
I’m stuck in a Piscean rut; the last three guys I’ve dated have all been Fish. I’m sure the universe is just trying to teach me how to cope with needless complications, but I confess I miss hanging with you beautiful (and fantastically straightforward) Rams. This week, spread the love around. Find a Pisces and give them a lesson in forthrightness, simplicity and just plain having fun. And find those the Fish have been (unintentionally) torturing and help us out. We need some fun we don’t have to overthink, and you’re just the people to give it to us.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Recent studies have shown that women who suffer chronic anxiety or fear may be more susceptible to breast cancer, and that other emotional forces could influence our bodies in other ways, both good and bad. This is yet another reason why we should place our personal pursuits for happiness higher than those for financial security or other considerations. Sometimes, too much shit is going down for you to be really happy. But sometimes, being happy is just a matter of deciding to be, to stop focusing on the little shit in your life that’s not perfect, and to celebrate the many elements that are really great. This week, try that.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
I have a friend who loves to soup up old cars. He’ll drive up in what looks like some old piece of junk, lift the hood and reveal a powerful engine transplanted from a sports car. You never know what might be hidden beneath the modest exteriors of his vehicles. Likewise, the old beaters you’ve been hanging around with might have similarly spectacular secrets hidden beneath what’s immediately apparent. Of course, to find out what juicy treasures they might actually have on offer means letting yourself get close enough to get a good look “under the hood.” That’s this week’s task.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
I know how challenging it can be for you Crabs to leave your comfort zones for extended periods of time. I’m not deluded by your reputation as homebodies, though. I contend that Cancers are actually ideal explorers of the unknown, once they get used to the idea. Hermit crabs, after all, carry their homes on their backs. You could learn to, as well, if you try.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
There’s a blind kid who’s learned to use sonar to get around. He makes a clicking sound with his tongue and uses it to identify obstacles, find doorways, and so on. I’m incredibly impressed with how he’s managed to be resourceful enough to largely mitigate something that would daunt most of the rest of us. When you put your own problems (and shortcomings) into perspective, I’d wager that they’re more surmountable, than, say, blindness. In other words, why don’t you stop being daunted by them and just get over them?
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
I like it when people are happy in their jobs. Too many people, however, feel stuck. They’re bitter where they are, yet they lack the courage, conviction or decisiveness to move on until they find what will make them happy. Meanwhile, they try to make everyone else unhappy along the way, by being total bitches to those they encounter, especially those who need something from them. This week, those poor slobs need a bit of kindness and understanding (and encouragement to change their situations), and you Virgos are just the ones to deliver it.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
I know a Libra girl who’s very pretty. She’s smart and talented. She’s also insufferable. Because she’s sexy, intelligent and gifted, she gets away with whatever she wants. As a result, she’s become selfish, self-absorbed, and snobby. She gets away with it because there are always a few sad sacks willing to put up with a lot of bullshit to have a pretty face around. But she hasn’t become a very good person, because she hasn’t had to. This week, regard all your assets as obstacles to your personal development, and all your flaws as the best thing that ever happened to you, especially if they help you develop sensitivity, compassion and generosity.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Holiday shopping can be a bitch, especially for someone you know well. My problem is that I’m too specific about what I’m looking for. Then I’m either unable to find something that fits my too-detailed concept, or I can’t afford to actually buy it, because it’s too expensive. You’re shopping a bit too narrow-mindedly as well, and this time I’m not referring to your attempts to find the perfect Christmas presents for your friends. May I suggest broadening the scope of your search, and maybe considering something (or someone) that doesn’t actually fit in a box?