Aries (March 21-April 19)
Leave your birthday candles lit. Don’t blow them out, and don’t make a birthday wish. Sure, it would come true, but in the worst possible way, like a wish made on a monkey’s paw. Save yourself from the ill-fated miscarriage of your heartfelt desire. Hang onto all those well-earned yearnings until next week, when the universe is more likely to manifest your dream without tragedy. So if you happen to have a party this week, and there’s a cake, when it comes your way, respectfully decline the candle-blowing ritual. Make up something cheesy people can get behind, like “I already got my wish—you’re all here,” or, “My asthma’s acting up. You do it.” Whatever you do, pass on the monkey paw wishes. They’re just not worth the trouble.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Lurk. Since all your power spots are hiding places this week, skulking is currently your most invaluable skill. Loiter under bleachers, squat on restroom toilets, or prowl the dark corners of a crowded bar. You’re almost certain to become privy to information you’re dying to know, either about yourself or concerning something you’re involved in (or someone you’re involved with). Screw ethics for once. Wouldn’t you rather know ahead of time if you’re going to be laid off or dumped? I think you would: that way you can do something about it, like prevent it, or wreak preemptive revenge.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Flashbacks of childhood may dominate this week, as authority figures that are usually on the same page disagree about something important to you. It’s like those rare occasions during your youth when one of your parents gave you permission to do something you desperately wanted to do, while the other flatly forbade it. You were forced to weigh their respective clout along with your deep desire and decide whether or not you should try to get away with it. Of course, you’re wiser now, so you know what to do, don’t you? In case you’ve forgotten, here’s a reminder: It’s almost always easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You’re a tree whose new growth is restricted by dozens of dead branches that refuse to fall off. It’s a good week to call your best local pruner, who can help you decide what’s dead weight and what’s helping you grow. Of course, since you’re not actually an old oak, I’m referring to your relationships. Some of them are just hanging off of you and blocking sunlight, and some are nurturing you. This is a good week to decide which are which, and next week is the best time to cut off the ones that are dragging you down.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Your scapegoating talents are at their peak, which is fortunate, because you’re going to need them to avoid getting nailed for a variety of mistakes that, in others’ minds, could conceivably be your fault (although only some of them actually are). So it’s good that you have this talent for discreetly misdirecting reproachful attention. Use it if you wish; you’re almost certain to get away with it, without a hitch. But you do have another option, one that’s bound to earn you some good karma: Take the fall, whether or not you deserve it. The guilty parties (and the universe) will know you did. I guarantee, you’ll be paid back and then some.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Reckless, you’re not. Even at your wildest (which can, admittedly, be very wild) you’re more responsible than most other signs. Still, I advise you to throw caution to the winds this week. Your creative juices have dried up a little, and even though that makes the fruits of your labors all the more sweet, like raisins, you’d benefit from a floodlike incursion of new energy—and the only way to break some of the inner dikes you’ve built to keep you rigidly on course is to really lose control, even for a little while. Be irresponsible! Wreak havoc! You’re more than capable of repairing the minor damage you might inflict, and besides, considering all the crazy shit you’ve put up with from your friends, you have more than a lion’s share of understanding and forgiveness coming your way.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Flexible Librans are more likely to succeed than rigid, unbendable ones. I’m talking mostly about your inner resilience, but I’m suspecting there’s a correlation between it and your ability to put your feet behind your head. Stretch this week, both physically and emotionally. Start a regimen. I’m not kidding; work those muscles, spiritual and corporeal. A lot is riding on how well you can limber up. Your ability to do a split by the end of May—whether you’re a ballerina or an accountant—may determine whether or not you get what you want.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Scorpionic moods can be dangerous—and lethal in the extreme. You can do more damage in five minutes of terrifying angst than most of us can wreak in weeks of snarling snappishness. That’s why weeks like this one, when absolutely nothing can shake the placid surface of your inner calm, are invaluable. It’s time for some hard, but rewarding, emotional labor. Don’t waste this chance to repair those bridges you’ve almost burnt to the ground and even lay the groundwork for a few new ones. Chances are, you’ll probably need them.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Unfortunately, you’re more likely to be changing a cranky baby’s diapers than making babies this week. Miracle of life, my ass. Your whole existence may be mired in shit, and the loveliest sound you hear all week is silence. Still, amidst all the stink and wretchedness, there should be a tiny glimmer of hope, a symbol of better things to come, like a 24-karat diamond gleaming in all that poo. Pick it out, apply a wet wipe, and grin, because this treasure is all yours. Lucky for you, babies can’t talk.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
I dreamt you were rolling up an old carpet when you suddenly noticed a decrepit old corpse in there. You panicked; you couldn’t remember killing anyone, but who else could have? I take it to mean that you long ago swept some minor sin you’d perpetrated under the rug, and basically forgotten about it. But instead of dissolving into dust as it probably should have, it’s been festering and growing until it’s become a problem that far outsizes your original slightly evil act. You can’t just take the predicament out with the trash; it’s bound to haunt you eventually. Deal with it this week, before it gets any bigger, or reanimates.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Aquarians are rarely atheistic, but they’re even more unlikely to be fervently religious. Instead, you take your spirituality like you take most things: in moderation. This week’s developments, however, may make you a temporary convert to zealotry as you force yourself to rapidly develop or explore your ideas regarding, say, the existence and specifics of an afterlife, or, you know, the overriding meaning and purpose of your life. These are important questions, but please, don’t dissolve into helpless existentialist depression when you fail to answer them according to your arbitrary timetable. Greater minds than yours have struggled with the same internal debate. You’ll have the answers you crave, in good time. Just be patient.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Jesus, make up your mind. You’re more fickle than a twelve-year-old girl this week. Unfortunately, unlike those moody little preteens, your whims have the heft and authority to command action—action you might lament later, when you come to your senses, or in five minutes, when you lose them again. Don’t make anything happen that you didn’t decide on last week, until at least next week, when you inner child will stop regressing and just grow up.
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