Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Because you’re gifted with a keen sense of fairness, it especially hurts when you get shafted, particularly if it’s because of stupidity or shortsightedness. It’s likely to be very hard for you to forgive or forget this shit, even if there’s some effort made to make things right, but nevertheless that’s what you’ve got to do. Some people are petty, and unless you act grateful for the effort they made to correct their own screw-ups, they’re not likely to bother next time. It goes without saying that this would be a bad thing, since these people are likely to mess up again (and again).
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
This week you’re likely to wake up with sore muscles in unusual places. Whether that’s because you helped someone move, or experimented with a few new positions in bed, it’s tangible evidence that you’re willing to go beyond the routine. Use it as a reminder to push yourself even further. There’s a lot of room for expansion right now on all fronts, but it requires a bit of stretching and pushing on your part. Imagine if you could add a new room to your apartment just by shoving the walls back. Right now – metaphorically, at least – you can.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
When you discover someone’s been spraying bullshit at your face, you’re likely to react in one of two ways: explosive anger or a lust for cold, calculated revenge. Either response would be a mistake right now. What you need to do is defuse the situation, not escalate it. Being pissy or vengeful would only seal the situation in cement. I don’t know how you can get the liar to start telling you the truth, but I do know that that – rather than getting back at them – needs to be the top of this week’s agenda.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
There’s a golden opportunity here that you’re missing, and it’s not because you’re not looking for it. It’s probably because you’re virtually incapable of seeing it. You’re essentially colorblind in this situation, and this message is written in red letters on a field of green. You need to have someone else point it out to you, which – because of the less than gracious way you’ve occasionally received unsolicited advice before – you’ll need to specifically ask for. Asking for help has never been your forte. However, I hope you get over your resistance to it. Doing so could be very lucrative.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You could walk around the car you’re thinking of buying, kicking the tires and pretending you know what the hell you’re looking at. But that, my dear, would be quite stupid. People who do know what they’re doing can see through pretenders without trying. You need to recognize your own shortcomings and find some way to compensate for them – bring along your auto-obsessed buddy, for example. Don’t bumble around blindly this week, feigning expertise (which is more likely to get you ripped off than an outright admission of ignorance). Figure out who can compensate for the holes in your knowledge, and ask for their aid.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You just couldn’t stay away could you? Even after you decided that you were done with so-and-so or such-and-such once and for all, you found yourself called back. It’s even more embarrassing because of your dramatic declaration that you were through with the situation forever – anyone who spots you now will judge you not only weak-willed, but a drama queen, besides. What, though, are you going to do? This time, you may have to simply slink back into the situation you declared you were finished with and eat the sardonic comments about the stink you made when you left. Next time, though, you might remember that how you feel today isn’t always the way you’ll feel tomorrow, and wait before you tell everyone about the new status quo, at least until you’re sure it will stick.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You have trouble with recycling, not because you hate the environment, but because dealing with petty details like sorting your trash is so not your style. This goes for emotional garbage as well as the real life stuff. Unfortunately, there’s a lot you need to get rid of that could conceivably be put to brilliant constructive use, instead of piling up in some mental landfill of things you’ll try to never think about again. You could hire someone, I suppose, to sort through your physical trash for you, but that doesn’t quite work inside your head. In this case, I’m afraid, you’ll simply have to roll up your sleeves and get down to this distasteful task on your own.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Bedbugs are back. They’re infesting America, living in couch cushions, between sheets, and hitching rides to new homes on people’s pants cuffs. This is the kind of thing likely to fill some Virgos with panic, but I hope you can stay calm. Bedbugs are as hard to keep out of your life as unwanted ideas. You can certainly practice caution – not picking up discarded futons from the street, for example. But worrying won’t do you a whit of good when faced with invasion by physical or mental pests. May I suggest a well-exercised sense of humor instead? It’ll serve you better in either scenario.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Stop punishing yourself. You may claim you haven’t been, but that’s only because you’re not obvious about it. Hair shirts and self-flagellation are not your style. You’re more likely to torture yourself in subtle, only semi-conscious ways, ways you might not even notice until you’ve been practicing them so long they’ve become hard-to-break habits. How insidious! Whether or not you ever deserved the chastisement you’re giving yourself, you’ve certainly “done your time” by now. You deserve a clean slate and a fresh start. Do what you have to do to give that to yourself – even if that means you have to call in outside help to identify and quell your devious means of self-torture.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
A house constructed of fieldstone and rough-hewn beams might not look as sturdy as one made of concrete and finished lumber, but it’s quite likely to be more than solid enough for your purposes, and have character, besides. Don’t be overly captivated by the new, the flashy, and the perfect. The rough edges are more interesting and have likely already withstood quite a bit of abuse. Where do you want to live, after all? In the standard prefab bullshit everyone else is occupying? Is that really your style? I can’t imagine you’d find it more comfortable, ultimately, than the unconventional, unique, imperfect, scrappy place off the beaten path. When it comes to choosing between the two this week, keep that in mind.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Don’t be lazy. Filleting that fish might be tedious, messy work, but it’s better to be slow and careful than to let someone choke on a fish bone because you couldn’t be bothered to do the job properly. You’re in a position to benefit many people (who won’t bother to thank you, I’m afraid) by doing your job correctly and well, or to screw over many more, by slacking off. The people whose lives you inconvenience or derail, by the way, won’t have any problem calling you out on your sloppiness, even if they wouldn’t have bothered expressing their gratitude for a job well done. In other words, stay sharp. Being great may not net you appreciation, but it will certainly spare you grief.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You’re the zodiac’s most reasonable, cool-headed and rational people – except when you’re not. Very occasionally (usually in regards to love), you go off the deep end and become what can only be called obsessive. Surely you realize that your maniacal, stalker-like behavior will only terrify people, but sometimes it seems impossible to stop yourself, or you rationalize that it’s not as bad as it seems. I hope you recognize that there are times when your usual clearheaded perspective becomes way too skewed to be trusted, and you get someone you have faith in (and who has some sway over what you actually do) to give you the reality check you desperately need.
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