Aries (March 21-April 19)
Dear friend: You have been selected from millions of possible candidates to participate in The Game. From the moment you put down this paper, you must understand that every aspect of your reality has been carefully crafted to teach you to be a better person. Each event will be carefully monitored. Your evolution is in your own hands, and since this is an accelerated, immersive course, please expect to be challenged at every turn. There are no wrong answers or incorrect reactions, but you will be evaluated at the end of the exercise. Unfortunately we can’t tell you when that is. Good luck.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You Bulls despise regressing, on any level. For example, once you’ve lived alone, moving in with a roommate you’re not in love with is intolerable. Having earned numerous promotions, the thought of starting at the bottom of some other ladder would be acutely painful. That’s why I’m issuing this warning. Powerful forces from above are planning on doing their damnedest to knock you down a rung or three. The only way to prevent it is to cease all forward motion for the moment, quickly finish every scrap of work you can, then bow your head and hang on for all you’re worth.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Gird for battle, as your Twin selves duke it out internally this week. One of the gladiators fighting for your future wields virtually all of your most basic, longstanding principles. Her opponent in the arena champions some of your best and most outrageous dreams. I don’t know who to root for, since the victory of one may help you salvage an ailing relationship, while triumph by the other would almost certainly lead to unprecedented financial opportunity (which Twin’s win will yield which result is a secret I’ll let you sort out on your own).
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Like the most interesting mutants and superheroes, your powers this week might seem acutely undesirable, as you become enthrallingly irresistible to your enemies and virtually impervious to the seductions of those you purport to love. It’s just not a good week to try to secure or solidify partnerships with your friends; it might be better to avoid interaction altogether, since it’s more likely to be alienating than alliance-forming. So you get to hang out mostly with your suddenly worshipful foes (swayed by pheromones, cosmic influences, or political expedience—chances are, they won’t understand it any better than you do). It sort of sucks, but look at it this way: Wouldn’t it be great to come out of this chapter with more team members, instead of more competition?
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Reenter the fray. Your inner coach benched you for a week or two there, to give you a chance to recover from a couple hard knocks and a bad play or two. Now it’s time to live up to your reputation as the team’s star player. So shake off recent mistakes, put on your helmet, and get out on the field. Your worst fears won’t be realized. People are willing to look at the long view of you; a few screw-ups won’t damage their trust. Get out there! I promise; you’ll be passed the ball first thing, and from there, you know exactly what to do.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Now that you’re beginning to trust your gut a lot more, your deepest instincts may refute or question the more logical, cold choices you made before they came into play. Your intuition, trained and shaped by years of complex, analytical thinking, is sharper than most people’s ever gets. Heed it, to a fault, since it’s soon to become your dominant internal influence, whether you like it or not. Your other option is to send yourself into an recurring tailspin as you constantly second-guess your own best bets. You can be a semi-clairvoyant cynosure or a vacillating victim of your own conflicting urges. It’s your choice.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Redeem this horoscope for one consequence-free mistake this week. You’re given astrological permission to screw up royally without suffering, for once. What a break, eh? Unfortunately, the other cosmic influences impinging on your life are determined to make errors and faux pas de rigour. So don’t just slack off and let shit hit the fan. Be as careful and inclined to perfectionism as you can. If you play every card exactly right, you might be able to get through the week without using this Get Out of Jail Free card. (I hear you can sell them for karmic big bucks on the astrological black market.)
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You Scorps are at your best when you’re somewhat indirect; you excel at subtlety and manipulation (especially when you’ve evolved to the point of using it to help others, not just improve your own position). But sometimes, like this week, you’ve got to abandon your chief M.O. and accomplish your aims in the most direct, upfront way possible. No hidden agendas or invisible strings, no devious tricks or clever mind control techniques. It may feel unnatural; please try it anyway. Just ask for precisely what you want, tell it exactly like it is, and make it so.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
My sister’s favorite childhood prank was to lurk in the hall closet when my dad came home from work. She’d leap out, screaming like a banshee, as he opened the door to hang his jacket, scaring the shit out of him. It worked again and again; even though she performed this stunt frequently, he never learned to expect her presence. You may identify with my father this week; so preoccupied with other concerns that you get nailed by the same (retrospectively obvious) trick two or three times in a row. Don’t kick yourself too hard, though—the things you’re working on are important enough to justify a little absent-mindedness. But do spare a little brainpower to prevent being shafted even one more time.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Second time’s the charm. Surprisingly, your second sightless swing at the piñata is bound to crack it open, showering you and your friends with a waterfall of cheap candy. But this kind of blind luck can’t last; your obviously unguided attempts may have scored two times in a row, but they’d never work thrice. Enjoy the delicious windfalls you’ve received, but don’t expect more of same. This is no time to slack—instead, you should be brainstorming strategies. Your random luck has just run out; from here on in, at least for a while, you’ll have to make your own.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Work is your panacea right now. Staying busy is the only cure you need for all your ills; physical, spiritual, and emotional. Luckily, your drive is at its peak this week and in the weeks to come; it’s an ideal time to move miles closer to the actualization of your highest aspirations. Your advancement has its price, however. If you really want to take advantage of the astrological forces at your disposal, you need to basically become a slave to your own ambitions. Forego every coffee break you can, and just go, go, go.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
The good guys, hemmed in by ethical principles, can’t usually play as dirty as the bad guys. They’re less likely to exploit their opponent’s Achilles’ Heels, while those villains are determined to win at any cost. I mention this because although there’s no real change in your range of abilities this week, the spectrum of available options is about to expand. Do your unquestionably good ends justify those morally uncertain means? I can’t answer that for you, since maintaining your integrity might cost so much it’ll be all you have left.
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