Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Watch The Fly, because it’s a perfect example of how a tiny inconsistency, imperfection, or error can blow up into a huge catastrophe this week. Disaster is wholly avoidable—but will require extra effort, care, and attention. On the flip side, while you’re diligently sitting on every molehill to keep it from swelling into a mountain, you can take advantage of the magnifying tendency of this week’s cosmic influences—because it works positively as well as negatively. That means every miniscule good deed you do brings you one giant step closer to sainthood, and every diminutive act of creativity (even something as silly as a doodle on a sticky-note) could balloon into a phenomenal opus, almost without any effort from you.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Ownership is a screwy concept amongst you Rams. Almost without realizing, you start thinking that you own things like your lover’s genitalia or your dog, or kids. Legalities aside, you at best have these things on a multi-year renewable lease; in other words, they’re only “yours” as long as you make your payments and keep them in good shape. In these and most cases, those disbursements don’t involve money; they’re about care, attention, and affection. Don’t take anything for granted. You’re behind on your payments; you might want to write a big check this week to fend off any outside claims.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Humor mitigates tragedy. That’s the lesson of the week—although you hopefully won’t suffer any major calamities, you will have ample opportunity to practice effective combinations of silliness and seriousness. Pay attention; this could be one of your principal social talents, if you choose to develop it. Only Bulls consistently possess the right amalgamation of wit and wisdom to do this properly, as well as the awareness that to lead a happy life you must develop the ability to laugh in the face of despair. Since you can help so many desperate people do that, you’d be wicked not to.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’re more wise ass than wise, usually, but you’re still too smart to openly defy the overzealous authority figures currently encroaching on your personal space. However, you’re cunning enough to know that there are ways to screw someone over, even when you can’t shake your fist in his face or kick some ass. Nevertheless, resist those tiny opportunities for vengeance and rebellion. They may feel good in the short term, but they’re hardly long-term solutions. You’ll only glimpse your next opportunity for a much more profound, lasting, and positive form of reckoning if your eyes aren’t riveted to petty concerns. Don’t worry. They’ll get theirs, and you’ll get yours. Just be patient.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Your heart is sometimes as unfaltering, patient and thorough as a pointer, one of those dogs who’ll find his hunter’s kill, stand perfectly still, and wait for it to be retrieved. You’d like to forget the prey fallen by the wayside after your recent unwilling depredations, but something inside you is quietly insisting you notice what you’ve done, and do something about your victim. What you do is up to you. The way I see it, you could nurse it back to health; or finish it off, eat it, and make its bones into jewelry. It’s your call.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Leos, despite their imperiousness and inflated sense of entitlement, are rarely hubristic. You can usually remember how silly you are, even while dishing out orders (for everyone’s good, of course). But this week you are in danger of subtly crossing a line that you’d probably prefer to stay on this side of. Remind yourself, any way you can, that while you’re the sovereign ruler of your own little kingdom, you’re hardly a god. Harping on your imperfections is never a good idea, but remembering them might be in order this week. So don your crown, but before you do, inscribe it with this gentle self-admonishment: “Needs improvement.”
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Torture, for a Virgo, is throwing out your back. Suddenly, you can’t do anything for yourself; you’re required to depend on everyone around you while you lay as flat and still as possible—and nothing gets done quite how you like it. Yes, it’s about time you realized: you’re high maintenance (but take consolation in the fact that under normal circumstances, you’re quite good at maintaining yourself). Since you have some slack-time this week—and a fully functioning back—set things up so that next time you’re laid out, you’re not too put out.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
A nudge won’t do. Even a swift kick in the ass might not be enough. So I’m going to do my full-on best to shove you towards decisiveness. For two months you’ve been contemplating an admittedly tremendous leap of faith. But we’re sick of watching you sway on the edge of that abyss. Jump, already, or go back to the couch and watch some more TV. It’s time to finally shit or get off the pot. Make your decision this week, please. It’ll feel so good to finally commit, that living with your choice will be no sweat, I swear.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You sadistic sweetheart. Everyone knows what the sadist within you is like at his/her worst. But at subtle, slightly restrained and conscious best, you’re wonderful to be around, because you challenge and push boundaries. People tend to rise to those challenges, and end up far less limited than they were before your crafty, delicate torture began. Only an idiot would suggest you try to eliminate your tenderly brutal impulses, because it’s both impossible and ridiculously unnecessary. However, curbing them is in order. It’s the same lesson you’ve had to learn again and again: healer and destroyer are simply two sides of your coin. It’s your call which way it lands.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Everyone has moments of horrified realization: “I’ve become my mother!” “I have too many cats; I’m turning into the neighborhood crazy lady!” “I’m 30 and I’ve never had a serious relationship.” Sagittarians generally lead an enviably carefree existence. You let most shit roll off your back. The problem with that attitude is that when the scary stuff strikes, it really nails you. Not that you should start worrying about everything, like those chronically concerned Cancers. But when you have a moment or three, like you will this week, start asking yourself those hard questions so you won’t be floored by the answers when they finally hit.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Spring Break is here early this year, for you Goats. Time to get silly, adventurous, and—if at all possible—downright wild. Capricorns, as a rule, tend to be overly serious, especially when it comes to relationships. Have a fling. Better yet—have three, four, or more. Have your cake, eat it too, then go back for cookies and ice cream. This is the best week in months to indulge your deepest, most repressed Dionysian urges. You can go back to your monkish good behavior next week, but please, take a long weekend to let loose. Engage in activity worthy of any Girls Gone Wild video. You never know when (and if) you’ll get your next chance.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Soccer, when I was eight, was a daunting experience; I was terrorized by the prospect of getting hit in the face by the ball. Consequently, that happened to me more than to anyone else on the team. I didn’t know it, but I was unconsciously manifesting exactly what I feared. By cringing and hesitating instead of unflinchingly approaching the ball, I positioned myself perfectly to get nailed in the face when a bolder player kicked it. You are just like my preadolescent self: you’re setting yourself up for exactly what you most dread. Don’t ignore or repress your fear. Instead, bravely run towards it and kick it as hard as you can.
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