Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Some rules are made to be bent or broken – but only by experts. No rule is sacrosanct; if you’re good enough, you can swim against the current and still end up getting farther faster than those who choose to go with the flow. This requires insane amounts of cunning, charm, and self-knowledge, as well as the will to knowingly break the rules. You’ve got all that. This week’s a good week to exercise it, should you choose to. You’ll probably get to your destination either way – but this way will be quicker, and a whole lot more fun.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You don’t need your cup of coffee in the morning, no matter how often you claim it’s so. Yes, it greatly facilitates you having a good morning but the truth is you could go without it (albeit miserably) if you had to, just as you could also suffer through not having most of the other things you profess to require. What do you truly need? Aren’t your other supposed necessities just strong preferences? At least one thing you actually can’t survive without, you regard (bizarrely) as an unnecessary frill, and at least five of the things you think you can’t live without aren’t even that good for you. This is a good week to figure out just what’s what and change your priorities accordingly.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
I went to a sex machine museum, whose exhibits ranged from charmingly titillating (an adorable hand-cranked vibrator) to extremely grotesque (dildos so shockingly large they could also be found in a museum of torture devices). In other words, you’re not as weird as you think, whether we’re talking about your sexuality or any of your other qualities. There’s always someone stranger than you, and everyone else is odder than you know. Proudly own what you are. Don’t bother shamefully hiding your dildo; your neighbor’s got a bigger one, and anyway, nobody cares.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Rams suck at staying truly depressed. Provided you haven’t done something ridiculously dramatic (like killing yourself), you usually bounce out of your misery swiftly. You’re simply not heavy enough to get stuck in the muck for long. There will be many more swamps of sorrows to slog through after this one. Don’t worry – you’ll get through them just like you’ll get through this one: by staying calm and being patient. As long as you don’t struggle so much that you sink in over your head, you’ll be back on solid ground before you know it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Consider ignorance; it might just be the better option. If you don’t get where I’m coming from, here’s an example: City dwellers rarely know much about their neighbors. They’ll spend years less than 10 feet from another person and still know virtually nothing about them, because of that thin wall separating them. I believe this lack of knowledge helps make the wall feel a little thicker, and helps a flimsy, crappy, overpriced apartment feel like a safe haven. In this case, too, not knowing might help you feel better. Since finding out the truth won’t help you in any way, shape, or form, I ask you: Why bother?
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
I generally dislike gimmicks but sometimes they’re simply the easiest, fastest, and (most importantly) most effective way to achieve your goal: in this case, getting someone’s attention. Sure, you could put in the time, and hope that eventually they’ll notice you for your quiet, upstanding qualities, subtle sense of humor, etc. That might work out for you. But let’s be real here: it probably won’t, at least not on any tolerable time table. I’m not talking about donning a clown nose or a funny hat (though I wouldn’t rule out those options). Still, using something flashy to draw someone’s attention to your finer qualities might not be a bad idea.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Your self-image as righteous warrior has become a bit tarnished. You raced to war with passion in your heart and what you thought was impregnable emotional armor, and discovered that your passion was misguided and your protective shell more fragile than you believed. Now, you’re understandably hesitant to storm into battle again. What if, after all, you’re wrong this time, too? What if your armor falls to pieces? I sympathize with and understand your concerns, but I’m here to dismiss them: You’re not wrong and your armor will hold. Now go fight the good fight.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Want a little bitter with your sweet? No? Tough shit. If I were you, I’d get used to the taste. You’ll probably never love it (unless you’re unusually masochistic), but you could still learn to appreciate how it makes the sweet stuff that much more delicious. Take your bitter pill this week and remember to keep eating afterwards; dessert will be served. You’ll find the bad taste becomes not so bad, after a while, and you won’t dread it so much. And please, don’t forget to savor every drop of sweetness that comes your way. That, after all, is what this is all about.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Don’t be a seeing eye dog. It’s lovely that you can really be there for someone, and help them in a way you’re uniquely qualified for. But I despise how you’ll sublimate your own desires in order to fulfill someone else’s needs. Even seeing eye dogs get time off to play and just be dogs. When’s your time to play? You don’t need to cut off the leash and go chase balls in traffic – that’s as dangerous for a Virgo as any golden retriever. But you ought to have enough slack in the ties that bind you that you can run and play when you need to without getting your nose slapped with a rolled-up newspaper. In fact, if you’re not getting a cookie and a hug when you come back to do your duty, you’re getting ripped off.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Neglect is a kind of abuse too, and Libras are more likely to suffer it than any other sign. That’s mostly because you’re so adaptable, polite, and sensitive to others’ needs – often at the expense of your own. This isn’t necessarily about being a squeaky wheel (though it would be good if you could learn that raising hell is just what’s necessary sometimes), but about creating balance, something you’re supposed to be good at. Where’s the balance in this situation? You give a lot and get essentially ignored in return? Bullshit, and staying in the situation just because you’ve already been in it this long is even more and stinkier bullshit. Call shenanigans on the whole situation and demand that it be fixed, or get out altogether.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You might want to humor that little gnat buzzing in your ear. We both know that you’d have no problem bowling over this childish and almost laughable opposition, but I ask you: What’s the point, really? Pick your battles. That means perhaps choosing to lose some just because it will smooth things out in the long run, make someone else feel good about themselves, or just because in this case it really doesn’t matter either way. You have the luxury of the superior position here. That should inspire kindness, not sadism. If it doesn’t, get yourself to a therapist and figure out why not.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Tell your truth – all of it, without compromise. Revealing only facets of your story will probably be disastrous; expressing every last bit could work miracles. This is the time to let it all hang out, under fluorescent lights, the good with the bad. Shyness has to stay the hell out of the way; that boat has sailed. If you try to hide anything, people will always imagine that whatever you’re concealing is far worse than it actually is. Own it all, and take the risk of showing it all to someone else. Your “bad” stuff isn’t as bad as you think; those you let see it might even surprise you by considering it beautiful.
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