Aries (March 21-April 19)
Insults are piled atop injury all too often, in your experience. You’ve also frequently gotten kicked while you were down, which really damaged your sense of security. Luckily, this week you get that rarest of experiences: the shining silver flip side of that coin. Don’t waste time wishing that you could lead a more balanced existence in this department, so that lucky breaks were interspersed evenly with your tumbles from grace and fortune. Unfortunately, that’s just not the way life works, so just gather up the smorgasbord of mini-miracles coming this way and take time to heal your damaged trust. That’ll get easier this week, when you can expect to get kissed, not kicked, when you’re down.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your competitors are all pathetic hacks. Every one of your exes is a conniving, crazy liar. Your boss has it in for you. Your parents screwed you up, or over. The system—be it school, government, or employment—has never given you a fair shake. These are all useful myths when it comes to propping up your ego during low moments. They may have even once been true. But ultimately you’re doomed to be held back by them, rather than helped. Prepare to bid them a final farewell. This week, cast them all off like last decade’s fashions. Don’t even donate them to the Goodwill. Burn them.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Just as sunspots cause cellphone outages and other electromagnetic disturbances, certain astrological influences can deleteriously affect your life, causing reception problems or power outages. You can’t do much more about this than we can do about actual sunspots and the difficulties they cause. However, there are viable work-arounds (the equivalent of using a landline to make your calls instead of your cellphone) you might discover that will not only serve you well this week but remain useful tools in your arsenal for a long time to come.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Try another tack. The astrological wind is blowing in just the wrong direction for you to sail directly towards your goal. You’ve lately been tempted to just put down anchor, furl your sails, and wait out the weather, resuming your journey once the winds have changed. But there’s no need to give up progress, if you’re patient, creative, and persistent. Want to remain ahead of your competition and your own expectations? Embrace the excitement of the zig and the virtue of the zag, and get to where you’re going without ever once aiming directly for it.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Sugarcoat it, for once. You’ve been dealing in nothing but bald truths, hard facts, uncensored emotion and naked opinions for months and months now. And while I normally applaud this kind of radical honesty—especially considering the good it’s done you—you’re enlightened enough to bite your tongue occasionally. Not to be polite or to conform to bullshit societal standards—just to cut someone a break. Yeah, maybe in the long run the ugly truth is what he needs, and maybe you’re even the one to give it to him. But give the poor bastard a week off. The universe will return the favor when you next need it most.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Your accidental help is about to expire. Maybe someone’s idiocy or inefficiency at work has been making you look good by contrast. Maybe you’ve benefited from an unspoken (false) assumption someone’s made about you. For good or ill, it’s now time to give up the crutch (that you may not have even been aware you were profiting from). The silver lining of the situation is that any residual guilt, unease, or insecurity you were experiencing because of this unasked-for aid will cease as well. Even better, in the next few weeks you’re likely to get assistance that’s dependent on conscious decision, not happy accident.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week you might feel a substantial increase in your own internal temperature. You could consequently end up more impetuous, passionate, irresponsible, childish and just plain ridiculous. And these are all, believe it or not, very very good things for you to be. Instead of being so perpetually on top of things, be silly, be righteously wrong-headed, throw it all away for a mad love affair. Believe me, your duties will still be there waiting when you’re ready to pick them up again. Wouldn’t doing them be more fun when you’re twice as happy as you are now?
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You of all people ought to have learned the value of tact by now. You’re all too aware that the squeaky wheel gets the grease, but you also know that you’re far more likely to get what you want if you’re wheel makes music rather than just producing an irritating whine. Please do call as much attention to yourself as necessary to catalyze some action, but don’t be obnoxious about it. Insufferable complaining will only result in spit in your soup and red-flagged notes in a customer service database. Making nice, however, won’t drive anyone insane or make you look horrible, and it’ll get results you’ll like.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
For years, you were steered by that tired myth about a straight line representing the shortest distance between two points. But the last few months you’ve been trying to play with new ways of getting to where you want to go, and finding out that because life is much more complicated than junior high geometry, the shortest path from here to there is often really convoluted and doesn’t necessarily come naturally to you Sags, whose deepest instinct is to simply shoot an arrow at a target and hit it. Circle round, Sag. Even though your destination has been out of sight for longer than you can remember, you’re actually closer than you’ve ever been; in other words, it’s just around the next corner.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Stage a jailbreak. The astrological soil is just wet enough to allow a spoon-dug tunnel beneath the razor wire-topped outer walls and attack hounds of your internal prison, but not so moist and muddy that it’ll collapse and bury you utterly. Don’t hesitate, Cap. True, you’ve been inside so long that the outside world may seem really big and scary. You might be worried that you no longer have enough resilience or flexibility to be effective out there any more. Forget that ludicrousness. If I were you, the only thing that’d concern me is getting out before the guard tower spotlight sweeps by again.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Your sarcasm is a veil between you and the world. It shields you from people knowing how you really feel, which is a scary prospect considering just how naked and dorky that usually is. Hey baby, it’s up to you. You can continue hanging out with people who are drawn to your guarded self, and you can keep banging helmets and psychic armor in a vain effort to get close to each other, or you can strip it all down; be a dork, be innocent, and let things get really real for the first time in a long time.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You’re downright delicious. Expect any of the shit that goes down this week to stem directly from your delirious deliciousness, and the inadequacies people can sometimes experience when in direct contact with it. What’s a sweet Fish to do? Certainly not tone down the sparkling brilliance of your scales, the vivacious complexity of your thoughts, or the mysterious passion of your hidden depths. Those would all be losing strategies. To cope with the occasional insecurities of those who love you and want you, just do the only kind thing: give them all as many tastes as they need to be convinced they deserve you.
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