Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Repeating your joke because you didn’t get a laugh the first time is not likely to get the response you’d hoped for. Beating this dead horse won’t make it rise up and run again. I thought you’d decided to let things go more easily than this, especially when logic and experience dictate that they aren’t likely to change no matter what you do. I believe you’ve mostly learned that lesson. Let’s just call this a momentary lapse. Walk away from the ended equine, quickly, without looking back, and we’ll both agree to forget this ever happened.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
If human beings were completely rational, logical creatures, gambling wouldn’t exist. We all know that the house always wins, and that nearly everyone leaves the casino with a thinner wallet than when they entered. Yet few of us can resist the lure of beating the odds, as unlikely as it is. I get it. Nevertheless, I urge you to steel your will and try to keep from succumbing to the sweet siren song of fickle fortune. It’s even less likely than usual to go your way, so steering as far clear as you can is just about the only thing to do.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
I’ve heard red cars get pulled over more often than staid gray or beige ones. Whether or not it’s actually true, I’m inclined to believe it. The real question is whether it’s simply because fire-engine red is more eye-catching than smoke gray, or because people who buy red cars tend to speed or otherwise bend the rules more than your average Joe. If I were one of those daredevil rule-benders, though, I wouldn’t be so foolish as to drive a scarlet sports car. I’d go with a nice boring brown car – and probably get away with a lot more.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
The further you run in this marathon, the more the finish line will start to matter. Quitting in the first quarter would be much easier than giving up 200 yards from the end. I suggest looking as far as you can down this long road. Right now you’re just at the beginning. It wouldn’t be so awful to simply walk away today. If you’re going to give up and go home, it’d be better to do it now than halfway to the end. These things are not always perfectly possible to predict; nevertheless I reckon you can get a pretty good idea whether or not you’ll want to stick this one out. Trust your gut; if it says you might not want to put in as much time and energy as this will take, spare yourself and get out before you put in any at all.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
As if ending up alone would be the worst scenario imaginable, I frequently see people settling for whatever partner they can get. I don’t know why a solitary life isn’t preferable to shackling yourself to some idiot you don’t even like much. What’s so great about limiting yourself to unhappy mediocrity? You of all people should avoid this scenario like the plague. If what you’re involved with isn’t fantastic (at least a good portion of the time), then it’s just not the right thing. I recommend ditching it, fast – the sooner you do, the sooner you can make room for something better; or discover that making your own happiness (instead of hoping it’ll come from someone else) is best of all.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Not only does lightning never strike twice, it but rarely strikes once. Thus putting too much faith in an event you can’t control or even influence seems especially foolhardy, even for someone as traditionally lucky as you. I’ve seen you pull some amazing tricks out of your hat, but this is going a bit far, don’t you think? Even you can’t pull this one off. If you really can’t give up on it just yet, at least agree to not wait for it for too long. Give yourself a hard deadline. If lightning hasn’t struck by then, move on.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Autumn came and went with a bang. To me it seemed like the trees dropped all their leaves overnight. I shouldn’t have been surprised. It’s a season, after all, and even in the crazy, shifty climate we’ve experienced the last decade or so, seasons are still relatively predictable. Can you be more flexible and alert than I was? After all, the change that’s coming is perfectly predictable. You should be able to see it coming miles away, if you just look for it. Nevertheless, unless you’re really ready for it, it’s still quite likely to catch you by surprise. Brace yourself. Here it comes.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Over a relatively short time, a reasonably-priced washing machine will pay for itself. However, visits to the laundromat only require a small outlay of pocket change, whereas purchasing a major home appliance will put a serious dent in your wallet. Ironically, the less you could afford a washing machine, the smarter it would be to buy one, since it would ultimately save you money. This is the kind of quandary you’re likely to have to solve soon. Which will you choose? Figuring out a way to manifest the wise, long-term solution, even if it requires great ingenuity and resourcefulness, or simply settling for the easy but somewhat foolish short-term one, yet again?
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Knock your local bully down to size. They’re just a big fish in a little pond. Try to remember that, the next time they attempt to intimidate you. Outside of this context, there are many situations where they’d be as helpless as a tadpole squaring off against a shark. Even if you don’t feel like playing that shark, you can still keep yourself from being pushed around too much. Perhaps you can unlock the floodgates that connect this pond to the open ocean. Surely someone else will swim in and take them down a peg or two.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Some faiths and traditions consider it bad luck to buy anything for a baby until it’s born. Historically, in some places and times infants were so fragile that they didn’t even get names until a year or two after their birth, when their parents could have more confidence that they might survive. Similarly, I wouldn’t invest too much emotion in your fledgling newborn until it’s got enough wherewithal to stand on its own two feet and claim a life of its own. Don’t give it a name, don’t get too attached, and don’t cry if it doesn’t make it. It’s not a baby, after all, just an idea – and there are plenty more where those came from.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Beauty fades, more quickly than should be possible. Feel sorry for those who have little else. You know who I’m talking about; they were the lameass cheerleader and jock types back in high school. That was their peak; shortly thereafter their youthful good looks and athleticism faded and their lives settled into mediocrity. You encounter more like them throughout life. Don’t waste energy envying them or wishing them ill. They are what they are. Eventually, their genes won’t carry them anywhere special, and they’ll have to learn, just like you did, some other way to navigate through life. That’s no easy task, and some of them won’t manage it well at all. In other words, practice compassion, not contempt, for the pretty people you encounter this week.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
It’d be nice if you could use every minute of the day to accomplish something useful, but alas there are times when circumstances forbid you from being nearly as efficient or effective as you could be. I know how frustrating this is for you, especially considering how much productivity you can cram into your average minute, when not so restricted. Hopefully this won’t head towards the extreme where you are simply counting the seconds until you can get on to something else, but it might. I wish I could offer more than my sympathy, but there’s not much else to say. Count the seconds if you must. They will pass – eventually.
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