Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
If you were a door-to-door salesperson this week, you’d make a bloody fortune. You can talk anyone into anything right now. Go ahead and convince the bartender to give you free drinks, or your boss to give everyone an extra-long lunch hour. But when it comes to changing someone’s mind about anything that’s important, be sure that the consequences will be more good than bad—because you’ll have to live with them either way.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You’ve got so many strings in your hands, I can’t tell if you’re some kind of puppet master, professional knitter, or sailor. I don’t know if you can make people dance, get them naked (by unraveling their sweaters), hoist sails to exotic locales, or all three. All I know is: you’ve got power. Will you exercise it? Should you? I don’t know. What I do know is that being connected to so many people and situations may make you powerful, but it also makes you responsible. Hadn’t thought about it that way yet? Well, consider it before you go pulling strings and making things happen. I think you’re ready for that responsibility, but—do you?
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Politics should not be emotional. Running the government ought to be strictly a pencil-pushing, get-things-done affair, not this epic battle over ideas. It’s because people can’t separate their emotions from their politics that some really dumb, poorly-qualified people sometimes get elected—without unreasoning fear and blind faith, they wouldn’t stand a chance. This week, don’t let your practical head stuff get too intermixed with all the sloppy, illogical heart stuff. There are times when it’s good to let one influence the other, to revel in the gorgeous mess that usually results. But this isn’t one of them. Keep your brain’s business and your soul’s passions as separate as church and state aresupposed to be in our government.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Unrealistic romance is the name of the game this weekend. This isn’t a bad thing, at all. By all means, indulge yourself with soft lighting and long, soul-melting staring matches. Don’t read too much into it, though; enjoy the moments thoroughly, but resist the urge to make promises that may wither under the harsh fluorescents of the coming week. If, by next Thursday, you’re still feeling the way you did while pouring red wine down each others’ throats on the candlelit bearskin hearth rug, then swear eternal fealty, endless adoration, or whatever feels right—but not before.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Everything is sex. We know this—your problem is that it’ll be hard to view it in any other light this week, given the fact that your astrological omens are having a nonstop orgy. Sexuality is the lens through which you’re blessed or doomed to see the world right now. It’s not so bad—it’s bound to get you laid a bunch, after all—but for those who aren’t quite so one-track as you, it could get a bit old, so you might want to keep your filthy thoughts to yourself. In other words, you can’t help what you see, nor how you see it, but you can keep from saying it all out loud, or worse, acting it out. Restraint (no, not restraints, you horndog) can be sexy. Try it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Love is the answer, you’ll probably decide this week. That’s because the planets have brewed up an intense dose of high-grade Ecstasy for you. Call and visit everyone you know, just to tell them how much you adore them. Sure, you’ll get funny looks—someone might even be concerned enough to slip you the number to the suicide hotline—but so what? Most people will be pleasantly surprised (beneath their initial discomfort) to receive this kind of effusiveness from you. Don’t miss this chance to spill your guts and wax poetic, because who knows when your next one might be?
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You may wrack your brain this week, trying to recall if you’ve recently eaten oysters, or somehow consumed powdered rhinoceros horn. You’ll probably want to come up with some explanation for this off-the-hook horniness. Stop looking suspiciously around the office trying to figure out who slipped Viagra into your morning coffee. It’s actually just you. Indulge your lascivious urges. Why not? If you don’t currently have a regular lover or friend with benefits, there’s nothing wrong with a long weekend of self-pleasure, or a well-handled, no illusions one-night stand.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Cancers, as a tribe, have a special mix of down-to-earth practicality and whacked out emotions which can lead to some fascinating and brilliant innovations, along with many, many messes. The trouble is, you rarely deliberately apply this combination to anything outside yourself, so people almost never get a glimpse of this cool brand of creativity. This week, escape your own fascinating but limited inner world and bring your faculties to bear on situations that will actually, tangibly affect other people.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
It’s not exactly A Christmas Carol, but you ought to identify with Ebenezer this week anyway, as unlikely spirits provide you with an unsettling picture of an alternate reality. The weird thing is: you may not like what you see. Take these visions to heart and consider how your personal aspirations could affect the people around you, and create unanticipated ripples in your life. You needn’t turn aside completely from the evolutionary journey you embarked on a while back. But shifting a few degrees in either direction might mean the difference between finding paradise and getting completely lost.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You’re lucky this week. I don’t know why; you’ve just got this glow about you, like good things are going to happen. Happy accidents. Be flexible and open to them. Try new things. You’ll probably never get the results you expect, but the surprises will be even better. I can almost guarantee it. Be alert to these startling outcomes, because they could be openings to new paths you’d never before considered—didn’t even know existed, in fact—which are actually exactly your flavor. Don’t miss these turn-offs from the highway you’re on. They’re the kinds of detours that make the whole trip worthwhile.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Announcing that you’ve changed your mind about something won’t raise many eyebrows; you’re notoriously flexible about your ideas and opinions. However, trying to force your brand new viewpoint on others will shock those you subject your zealotry to—not only because it’s completely out of character, but also because it’s in bad taste. Oh, you know that this time you’re right, probably more right than you’ve ever been, but still—let it settle for a while before you go spreading the good word. Now you just seem brainwashed and culty. In a couple of weeks or months you’ll seem either batshit crazy—or 100% right.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The unrequited love thing is so tired and boring. Please resist falling into that trap (again). It’s going to be yawning open for you this week. Generally mistrust any attractions that spring up this week. They’re probably screwed: Either your blossoming crush is focused on someone you secretly know you can’t have, or it has nothing to do with the actual person—it’s all about what you’re projecting onto her, or him. Neither should you abandon these feelings. They could be real. They might even have long-term potential. My point is that there’s no way to know, just now. Wait it out. You’ll know in two weeks’ time whether this is something to jump at, or run away from.
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