Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You feel pretty safe. Unfortunately, the protective umbrella you’re taking refuge under is no sturdier than a flimsy canvas awning trying to withstand a meteor strike. That’s not to say you’re going to suffer anything as calamitous as a comet collision. But you still might want to take steps, because your shelter is more feeble than you think. It’s not doing you any good, so abandon it. Your best bet is dodging the meteor; walk out from under your essentially useless umbrella, so you can actually look up, see it coming, and get out of its damn way.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Last night, my neighbor was hammering something at 4 in the morning. I can’t understand how anyone living in a city, with people above, below, and on either side of them, can feel okay about doing something that loud and invasive at such an absurd hour. Yet that kind of self-involved oblivious attitude is not so different from the one you’ve been trying on for size this past week. It may not be quite as inconsiderate or obviously rude as doing construction work in the wee hours, but it’s still being unmindful of the various emotional trips that might be going on around you. Since giving them some airtime could mean a better audience for your inner drama, you might want to consider it.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Don’t confuse intense sexual attraction with true love. They are two separate things—and while it’s amazing when they overlap, which they often do, that’s not necessarily the case here. Amazing physical chemistry is incredible fun, and by all means enjoy it and throw yourself into it. But at the same time, when you have a spare moment, reserve the coolest part of your brain to look at who you two are out of bed. Forming a partnership of any kind based on something as changeable and fluid as animal passion is foolhardy at best and downright stupid at worst.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Unplug. Your batteries are now at 100 percent. Staying here longer will only waste your time and best opportunities to attain your current lofty aspirations. By “here,” I mean this mental and/or physical junction, where you’re poised to make a big leap of faith in yourself. You’ve been rightfully building up your strength, like a video game character fortifying his life meter before tackling a difficult level. But now you’ve got all the skills, the fortitude, and the desire to conquer not only this level, but the whole game. Go for it. You can worry about what game you’ll play next when you’re done with this one.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You have tremendous respect for your elders. You’ve long been impressed with the virtue of wisdom born of experience. You have trouble being rude to anyone with white hair. Unfortunately, although your attitude is pretty laudable 90% of the time, there is that contingent of old people for whom experience has only brought bitterness, not wisdom. They turn into crotchety old hags and geezers and don’t necessarily deserve the reverence you’d normally give them. Don’t go around knocking over cranky old ladies or beating up the cantankerous curmudgeon shaking his fist at you, though. Just make sure people really deserve your respect before you give it to them.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Life is timing. This can happen on a small scale—like which bus you catch—or a grand scale, like what year you were born; that can really screw you. For example, lusting after your 19 year-old neighbor is totally fine when you’re 16, but a little more problematic when you’re 46. See what I’m getting at here? There’s some shit on your plate that you can do something about, and some that you just have to let go of. It’s actually obvious which is which, if you take a step back from your emotions: Go get the plastic surgery so you look ten years younger. But forget the teenager, regardless.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Don’t let yourself become obsessed with a vendetta. That’s the wrong path to pursue. Yeah, the shit you’ve had to deal with lately probably deserves some vengeance, but you’re not exactly in a position to coolly dish it out. Chill out, and forgive. If anyone’s capable of this saintly behavior, it’s you. I can’t give you any reason that you’d find compelling in this moment except this: six months from now, you’ll sorely regret any of the shit you perpetrated in the name of revenge, and be sincerely glad for all the shit you didn’t.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
There’s more than one way to skin a cat. Just keep that in mind this week—because you’re the cat that’s in danger of being stripped. Those wily hunters aren’t likely to try the most straightforward and traditional methods of taking you down; they’re more surreptitious and subtle. So be on guard. Going down at the hands of these assholes is by no means a sure thing—before I told you, it was only 50/50; now that you know, you’re much more likely to walk away with a few scalps instead. And if you do happen to get figuratively skinned, don’t freak out. Your ego has more regenerative capacity than Wolverine.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
I’ve been bouncing back and forth between writing, running errands, playing with my dog, and half a dozen other necessary tasks. It feels a lot like being a Virgo, actually, and part of me sees the joy of having this many balls in the air and being skilled enough not to drop a single one. Damn, you’re sexy. Unfortunately, most people don’t have enough of an awareness of what it takes to live a life like yours, so they only see a harried, decent person, with no free time, and hardly any of your inherent hotness. If they could walk a day in your shoes, they’d get it. But since that’s not possible, seize the one or two opportunities you’ll get this week to show, not tell, exactly how badass and capable you are.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You’re spoiled. We all are. We live in a time when virtually any kind of food is available at any time of year, when the least of us lives mostly better than royalty a few centuries ago. If the average human lifespan was still 35, most of us wouldn’t have time for the ridiculous “crises” we devote much of our waking days to. This week, get down to what’s real inside the big picture, not just the little frame surrounding your day.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
People suck, don’t they? Which makes your recurring and powerful craving for partnership with one of them all the more galling and frustrating for you. Your desire isn’t wrong or anything—although you should certainly keep it from eclipsing personal development and spiritual progress—but it is self-defeating. Your eminent availability makes you, in an ironic screwed-up way, less of a desirable candidate, because unattainability is a sickly compelling aphrodisiac. You shouldn’t start playing games to hide your true desires, however. Just slow them down. Try this: progress any relationship at half the speed you’d wish. Wouldn’t you prefer to get to where you’re going, even if takes twice as long as you’d like, rather than not get there at all?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Don’t start burning the furniture for heat, just yet. You may feel inspired to take desperate measures to meet the apparently desperate need you’re feeling. But things aren’t as dire as you think or they seem. Just wait a few days; in retrospect, you’ll be able to see it was your uncertainty that was killing you (or seeming to), not your circumstances. Practice patience and listen hard. Once you’re armed with a little more knowledge, your soul will be in substantially less anxiety or pain, and your butt will thank you for not destroying the couch.
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