Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
While the Sun illuminates your usually murky domain, things seem clearer than usual, but also larger, more epic and momentous. The dim depths of your soul’s ocean are flooded with light, revealing the myriad nefarious oddities that reside there. All this past month you’ve fidgeted under the dazzling, revealing radiance of that benevolent but occasionally overwhelming star. Next week, the Sun finally exits your stage, leaving you to your more comfortable (if confusing) soft-edged reality. Luckily, by that time you’ll have located and harnessed a couple of new tools or companions that can help you navigate those shadowy depths. And if you haven’t managed to track down the necessary gizmos or guides you’ll need for the next leg of your adventure, get on it—you have a few days left.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
A little stress is good for you. You of all people know this; without a certain constant undercurrent of tension and urgency you get bored and restless. But, obviously, there are limits. Don’t hover too close to the line between Too Much and Just Enough this week, because you never know when a surprise could push you over the threshold. There’s no guarantee you’ll have to deal with anything unexpected, but it doesn’t seem entirely unlikely. Give yourself an emotional buffer; risk being bored and chill out a little. That way, if the shit hits the fan, you’ll be ready to rock out, not pass out.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Join the crowds out on the dance floor, Taurus. You’ve been a wallflower for ages now. Stop thinking that just because no one’s asked it means no one’s interested. You can take the initiative, you know. And besides, if you want to dance, dance! Screw waiting for a partner. Live for yourself, young hopeful. If you manage to really and truly do that, you’ll not only be happier, you’ll be more magnetic, and exciting, and compelling—in other words, the more happily you can dance (or do anything) alone, the less often, ironically, you’ll find yourself actually alone.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Used car salesman you’re not. Most Geminis are famous talkers, but not great at the hard sell. It’s too crass. It’s always been your way to subtly allow the other person to come up with what you always intended as if it were their own idea, then just agree. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but it’s consistent enough that you haven’t felt any pressing need to consider alternative strategies. It’s never been a driving ambition of yours to get too good at manipulating people, anyway. However, since your buddies will never suggest what you want now without tangible prompting, something a little less subtle (but still a far cry from selling anyone a lemon they don’t need) is called for this week. Experiment until you figure out what works for you, and them.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Here’s what #Dressgate should teach you: other people can see the same exact thing completely differently. It’s not just different perspectives; what we actually see is different (there’s even evidence that humans a millennia or two ago couldn’t see the color blue at all). So I hope you can accept that however “right” your perspective is, it’s not the only correct way to view the world. Someone else’s way of looking at it is just as “right” as yours. So instead of yelling, “It’s white and gold!” yet again, just accept that it’s the way you see it and the way they do. You’ll all be happier.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Be careful when you open your mouth this week. Your best strategy may be to pretend that you’re a mutant superhero (or supervillain) whose voice is so devastatingly loud that you smash windows with an errant hiccup and raze buildings with a scream. This much power ought to be used responsibly. Don’t let your words wreak devastation on those you love. However, this doesn’t mean you need to shut up, at all. To the contrary, let’s pretend that your silence also is a superpower, one that makes living things wither away. So finally, there’s only a single path left for one as gifted and puissant as you: to speak, always, but to say only the things you absolutely mean.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Your most useful skills aren’t ones you acquired at university. You just can’t learn some of this shit in school. Remember when your favorite uncle taught you how to break into a car? Or when your big brother gave you advice about women (or men)? Your best friend hooked you up with the most badass way to get rid of bill collectors, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and telemarketers once and for all. You know this is the shit. So why cling to book-learning when it comes to your latest screwed-up quandary? The problem is primed to move—if only you’d apply Grandma’s stewed prune recipe to the blockage, instead of what some lameass taught you in college.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You’re trapped in a game of leapfrog, and you’re not doing much jumping. Shit. Being used for the advancement of others sucks ass, and according to the rules of the game you’ve tacitly agreed to, you’re supposed to just sit there and take it. Screw that. Stand up, already. Make yourself so tall that those who seek to pass you over will crash into you instead. So what if it’s not your turn? It’s your turn when you make it your turn. Yep, there’s a chance you could get knocked down by the next behemoth hopping up this path. So what? You were down already. What have you got to lose?
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You’re a singular sensation waiting to happen. You just haven’t found your audience yet, the ones who’ll adulate and worship you for the things you’re so good at. You’ve located isolated fans, but they haven’t coalesced into a social phenomenon, a sweeping tsunami of Scorpio appreciation that will consume and flatten everything in its path. Okay, I’m being dramatic; this isn’t a world-shattering to-do you should be expecting here. But even though its effects will be more localized, you’ll be far more worthy of the attention—which, in turn will be more real, and actually last long enough to matter.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Keep your blood sugar levels up. It can sometimes seem like you have boundless reservoirs of energy and determination to tap into—whenever you’re motivated to not be lazy—but these, despite their extraordinary depth, still have limits, and if you’re not careful to maintain your wellbeing in the midst of any long-haul endeavor, you could stall suddenly at any moment. What I’m trying to say is that your internal fuel gauge isn’t all that accurate, and that your huge gas tanks could be running on empty even while the arrow points to full. To stay on the safe side this week, do what you know you ought to be doing to take care of yourself, instead of relying on simply what you feel you need.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
If only you could convert your skin to solar panels, and recharge your internal batteries off the dazzling luminousness of the cavalcade of attention you’ve been receiving lately. I’m not even sure if it’s the kind of interest you enjoy; from here the glare seems blistering. But I do know one thing: since it’s not about to abate, you can’t escape it, short of changing your name and going into hiding. Therefore, this week you ought to concentrate on finding a way to keep it from draining you, and make it actually revitalize you, instead.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
I need a nap. My eyes won’t stay open. I’m sleep-deprived. My concentration falters. Long sentences daunt me. (I might fall asleep midway through them.) So I’m keeping it short. (For both our sakes.) Do the same this week. If a task surpasses you: break it down. In smaller chunks, it won’t intimidate you. Take it easy. Practice serenity. Tackle one piece at a time. The puzzle will reveal itself. Be patient. Take one small step, then the next. Don’t worry about how many more there are to go. You’ll arrive at your destination eventually. (I did.) Coming next week: really long sentences, and deities born full-grown.
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