Gemini (May 21-June 20)
A friend of mine recently described someone we know as a “killjoy.” I hadn’t thought about it that way, but I had to admit that the label fit perfectly. Now, no one sets out to make everyone around them miserable. But some people get so caught up in their negative take on the world that they habitually burst balloons and otherwise poke holes in other people’s fun. Try to see what a crap place that is, and instead of resenting people who are stuck there, do your part in trying to help them get somewhere else. Usually, that’d be fairly futile, but this week you could actually succeed.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
A flyswatter, for all the violence of its use, is still less cruel than flypaper. At least it’s over in a flash; an insect stuck to a sticky strip of paper must instead wait to slowly starve to death. If you feel inclined to kill something this week – be it a pesky insect, relationship, or idea – do it quickly. Even if it’s harder for you, it’s still the right thing to do. Killing or tearing something down isn’t supposed to be easy, after all. Do the kind thing and spare them, not yourself. Anything less is just cruel and unusual – they deserve better from you.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Unlike my poor dog, there’s no reason you need to go outside in the hot sun while wearing a fur coat. Fishing for sympathy in such a scenario is not going to work out that well for you; I don’t recommend it. Since your suffering is almost entirely self-inflicted, and laughably easy to prevent or relieve, I suggest you do that at once, or risk the consequences: being made the object of scorn, ridicule, and contempt, not compassion or empathy. Make things a bit easier on yourself, because no one else will. Take off the damn mink, slather on some sunscreen, and just enjoy the day, already.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Children and animals behave differently in different contexts – occasionally so much so that they’re nearly unrecognizable. The angel at home becomes a hellion elsewhere. Although no one really wants to believe that their perfect little Poopikins could be such a monster when out of sight and earshot, it still happens. I’m sure you’ve witnessed this many times; you just never thought it had anything to do with you. This week, if anyone tells you something about someone you love that you find difficult or unpleasant to believe, give them the benefit of the doubt. They’re not just making shit up.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
When you get one flat tire, or even two, you file it under Shit Happens and forget about it. When you get four at once, while parked, you have to realize that something else is going on. To decide it’s just a bizarre coincidence would be delusional; even if it could be exactly that, it’s highly unlikely. The logical and correct conclusion is that there’s something more nefarious afoot – it’s time to quit denying it and actually get to the bottom of it instead. Although whoever has it in for you is more subtle and less malicious, it would still be a good idea to find them and fix things sooner rather than later, especially because now it would require only a quick heart-to-heart; later, you might need to do a whole lot more to mend that bridge.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
It’s in a plant’s nature to seek the sun; from the moment it sprouts from its seed, it’ll attempt to grow towards the light, regardless of what’s in the way. Humans are the same – except that it’s in our nature to seek love the way a plant seeks sunlight. You can’t blame a person for grasping at love; it’s almost impossible to do anything else. If you hit your head on a branch extended to catch the sun, do you blame the tree? Of course not. Nor should you blame the person who inadvertently hurts you (probably without noticing) while they’re on their own quest for love.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You pull over to let fire engines and ambulances past, not just because it’s the law, but because what they’re up to is quite simply more urgent and important than whatever you’re doing. Think of that this week, when circumstances demand that you yield right-of-way, so that you can do so gracefully and swiftly, instead of slowly and resentfully. Failing to do so would not only be bad karma – it’d be embarrassing, too, when everyone found out that you couldn’t be bothered to put aside your own agenda long enough to help (or at least not hinder) someone who richly deserved it.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
There’s the kind of animal lover who ends up capturing, killing, and stuffing the objects of their affection, and there’s the type that only enjoys the beloved beasts from afar, out of sight and earshot, so as not to disturb the creatures in their natural habitats. These are two very different kinds of love. One is about control, possession, and fear, and the other is more based on consideration and appreciation. Most human loves are a mixture of the two. Which does yours most resemble, and is that really what you’re about? If not, fix it this week.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Everyone has their own way of doing things. Sure, your way is better, but don’t expect gratitude if you decide to insist upon it; this isn’t even a “you’ll thank me later” situation – they won’t. While standing your ground and forcing people to do shit the “right” way is certainly an option, this time you’re probably better off just sucking it up and cheerfully doing it the way that’s been suggested. After all, it’s no skin off your back if it’s not done exactly the best way – insisting that it go your way, on the other hand, could get you (emotionally, at least) flayed.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Even those with the most primitive imaginations can hear a series of sounds and piece together the scenario that created them; the vividness of such a visualization is no guarantee of its accuracy, however. In fact, what people dream up is behind what they hear is an excellent source of comedy, and, occasionally, tragedy. Are you sure that what you think happened, based on admittedly limited information, actually happened? I’m not. Before you leap to conclusions based on assumptions made by your rather vivid imagination, seek corroborating evidence. You might have trouble finding any – since you’re about as wrong as could be.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Getting a gun doesn’t mean you intend to shoot someone; in fact, I’ll bet most gun buyers have no desire whatsoever to ever use it, and fervently hope it never comes to that. But purchasing a firearm allows for the possibility (some might even say the probability) that you might shoot someone, a scenario that would be extremely unlikely otherwise. I know the intent is to prevent even more objectionable situations, but things don’t always work out that way. Be careful what doors you open (especially in the name of fear) this week; instead of taking you further from the situation you hope to avoid, they’re likely to bring you inexorably closer.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The show must go on, as they say, regardless of what’s happening for you personally. You can’t let your emotional stuff eclipse what else is going on this week. If you really can’t put that crap aside long enough to get shit done, do everyone a favor and delegate someone who can. It’s only fair. If you take that route, however, don’t expect to just take your old duties back when you’re ready for them. It doesn’t work that way. Like it or not, you gave them up for good. It’s good to feel things passionately, but if you think you’ll feel later that this mountain was rather molehill-esque, it might be better to clear your head and just get over it now.
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