Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
I know I often encourage you Fish to be more rational, less subject to your own peculiar whims and idiosyncrasies. This week, however, I adjure you to ignore my usual advice and let your flights of fancy carry you, because pure rationality simply won’t work for you at the moment, whereas your quirky urges are more likely to take you exactly where you need to go. Be kind, along the way, to those who don’t understand what you’re up to or where you’re going. Tell them you’ll explain it to them, once you get there.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Sometimes my dreams are dense with Dickensian plotlines. Sometimes they’re merely the usual hodgepodge of mistaken identities and rambling stories that go nowhere. Your life could resemble either one at the moment. You could lay deep plans, involving dozens of characters, and ultimately go on a satisfying and fruitful adventure, as long as you possess and exercise perseverance and resolution. Otherwise, you might as well just get stoned and wander around in a haze, forgetting people’s names and dropping all the pieces. In your hands is something like a beautiful flower, ready to blossom, if you’re together enough to keep it alive and appreciate it. If not, though, the petals will just fall off before the bud has finished opening, and you’ll have nothing but a mess on your hands.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
A recent study determined that women found men more attractive when they saw other women smiling at them, without knowing why. You’re similarly oblivious to the motivations behind your desires at the moment. Here’s what I think: You want what you can’t have now, even though you could have had it once. Why? Not because you’re attracted to the unattainable. It’s because now you can see how enjoyable it might have been, because you see someone else enjoying it. This, my dear, is a failure of the imagination, and it’s just too late to fix. Next time, though, I hope you give the creative side of your brain more of a workout before you let the fish slip off the hook.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Our priorities naturally change as we age. While once I might have been drawn to a pretty face, now I’m more likely to seek the one that smiles the most. Imagine how boring it would be if you brought people into your life and entered situations based on your dreams from five or 10 years ago. Oh, wait. That’s exactly what you’ve been doing lately. Is it any wonder that you’re dissatisfied with them? Stop being lazy and doing the same old shit, out of habit. If your computer’s software were more than five years old (let alone ten), it might as well be useless. Shouldn’t you update your mental software at least as often as your laptop’s?
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
I often say I have trouble believing in the future. I honestly think we’re living in a golden age, and that reality as we know it is likely to crash and burn in the next two decades (and probably sooner). Of course, who knows? I just see the odds stacked well against us. This affects how I live my life–making me be much more in the moment, and milk every ounce of enjoyment out of this golden age that I can. If you believed–truly believed–that you had less than 20 years to live (or less than 10, or less than five), would you changed how you live now? Would any of those changes make your life better? This week, try adopting them, regardless of your actual beliefs about our collective future.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’re a handful and a half. It’s your ego’s fault, darling, your radiant, shiny, powerful ego. Not all Leos are high-maintenance, but most are, at some point in their lives. I’m not even suggesting you change, particularly, only that you acknowledge what you are and just how much you need or want from others, and the great lengths they already go to, to make you happy. When those who love you next fall short of your subconsciously high expectations (as they’re likely to this week), remember this shit and cut them a break, would you?
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
I’m sure you don’t have a lot of crap and coins between your couch cushions, but most people do. We all have messier houses (and hearts) than you do. This week, please remember that. We lose stuff. We’re disorganized and inarticulate. You err on the side of being too organized (trying to analyze and categorize things that defy analysis and categorization, like cryptic phone messages from would-be lovers), so you don’t often understand that some of the shit that goes down happens because we’re clumsy, messy, and a bit lost, not malicious. If you didn’t hear what you really needed to, perhaps it simply fell between the couch cushions. Before you get upset or annoyed, perhaps you’d consider looking there?
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Beautiful people can be brilliant, funny, and kind–but they don’t have to be. Being exceptionally pretty can be a kind of handicap, because you don’t have to be anything else to make your way in the world. If you’re obese, buck-toothed, or homely, you’re more likely to develop a sense of humor, a brilliant mind, or some other talent you can use to impress people, since your looks won’t do the trick. I’m not here to discourage your appreciation for beauty, just encourage you to stretch beyond it; the best things to come into your life this week will likely wear less-then-pretty packaging.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
What was once mutual no longer is. It began innocently enough, with everyone happily on board. But things changed. Now one of you wants out, or change. This is likely to be a painful transition for both of you, but it needn’t be heartbreaking or soul-shattering. If you’re both flexible, gentle, and kind enough, it could be the best thing to ever happen to your relationship. It’ll hurt a little, regardless, but if you keep your eye on the awesome place you’ll end up, you ought to be able to remember that sometimes pain is good–it lets you know that your injuries are healing.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Let’s go on adventures together, Sagittarius. It’s long overdue, don’t you think? Even if you don’t go with me, particularly, you ought to consider including someone else on your next journey. You’ve perfected the solo exploit thing, but still haven’t truly discovered the joy of having company on your grand and glorious escapades. Surely you’ve found someone who can keep up with you (and enjoy it, instead of being stressed out by it)? No? Are you sure? Look around. Look harder. Hint: it might not be the person you’re currently having sex or living with.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Finding someone to be your everything is impossible. Don’t keep hanging on to that overly precious illusion. Your chances of finding someone to sleep with who also wants to travel around the world, go bowling, eat sushi, watch horror films, play World of Warcraft, and pursue any or all of your other interests is pretty much nil. Your lover might or might not like your friends. They might or might not share your passion for French, carbs or skinny-dipping. You think you let go of your fantasy of “the perfect mate,” but you’re hanging on to it more than you think. Relax your definition dramatically. It’s the only way anyone could meet it even halfway.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You’re turned on by practical thinking. You’re in luck, because you also–when you try–happen to be pretty good at coming up with pragmatic solutions to problems. The world needs that right now. There are people who, accepting that we can’t solve all the planet’s problems (at least not all at once), are trying to figure out what can be done and how, specifically how the most good can be accomplished with the least money. This is a good week for that kind of thinking for you Aquarians. You don’t need to apply it on a global scale (although we’d all appreciate it if you did); solving problems of a personal or local nature would also be quite welcome.
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