Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Just because you like things upfront and direct doesn’t mean everyone else does. In fact, some of the people around you are quite devoted to sneaky methods and shady dealings, despite whatever convincingly upright facades they maintain. But they’re hardly going to make you a PowerPoint presentation about all the ways they undermine you, are they? Now, the last thing I want is for you to become suspicious and paranoid; a mistrustful Leo is a terrible tragedy. But making it (once again) clear that you won’t take betrayal lying down will make it much more likely that it will never occur.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Your pride is easier to swallow than aspirin these days, you’ve been doing it so much. While your humility and lack of pretension make you someone I actually admire, these things can be taken too far. Please don’t allow your flexibility and willingness to sacrifice to make you into a doormat, because there are several hundred people waiting in the lobby with very muddy shoes. There are times when you have to stand up, brush yourself off, and deliver a swift kick to the crotch of anyone who tries to get past without your goodwill. Don your steel-toed boots, my dear, for this week is one of those.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
When I was five, I stole a fancy pencil eraser from the drugstore. My folks made me give it back and apologize. I got the lesson: Stealing is Wrong. But as I grew older, I began to realize that the world is far more complicated than a 25-cent piece of rubber could possibly demonstrate. Sometimes the apparent criminal is actually the victim, and/or vice versa. Applying starkly black-and-white morality lessons across the board reflects a mentality suitable for schooling a kindergartener, not for navigating the complexities of actual life. Please demonstrate your depth and intelligence when passing judgment this week, by not simplifying it (or “dumbing it down”) one iota.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Some folks go their whole lives without thinking much about death, until, of course, they suffer it. Scorpios can’t understand that; many even have chapters where they consciously seek to be close to death, volunteering at hospices or caring for ailing relatives. Your unwillingness to shy away from heavy shit is a strength; one that someone close to you needs to share in right now. Let them lean on you. Be their patient guide into territory that they never thought they’d enter. Remember, it’s familiar to you, but be patient with your companion; they’re probably, on some level, freaking out.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Some other signs carefully plot their acts of generosity, in order to reap maximum gratitude, but not you; you know that doing something nice for someone shouldn’t be about what you’ll get in return. However, there is some merit to calculating the best vector and timing for any sweet gestures you make this week–not for your own benefit, but for that of the recipient. Accepting a gift is wonderful at almost any time, but it might prove more useful, tender, convenient, or entertaining at some times rather than others, when it might even be slightly inconvenient or cumbersome. When offering up the sweet gestures you have planned for this week, keep in mind that exactly when you give a gift can halve–or double–its value, and a little forethought will make sure it’s the latter.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
It’s a lot easier to tear something (or someone) apart than to see the good in it (or them). Being critical is a forte of yours, and to your credit you usually do it in an intelligent way, with an eye towards improving whatever you’re critiquing. But, despite your good intentions, finding ways to support and encourage someone’s art or progress is very different than improving it by pointing out its flaws. This week, the former would be a kinder and more effective method than the latter, considering your desired results. Say something nice. It may not come naturally or easily, but I’m sure you can do it.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
I’d like you to avoid a bad habit this week. You Water Bearers can be slightly afraid of emotion, or at least its expression. When things get too intense, you have this habit of sort of shutting down, rather than actually, you know, going there. Fine, you like to remain cool and avoid drama most of the time. But every once in a while, it’s good to lose your cool and get dramatically swept up by powerful emotion. This week, exactly that could happen, and I hope you let it; the fallout from any kind of explosion (especially a love explosion) would be almost entirely positive.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You’re a mutant, but unfortunately you didn’t develop any useful new features like telekinesis or gills. Your mutation is the equivalent of an extra finger on each hand; discovering a use for it has, thus far, been difficult–so difficult that you’ve given up on trying to find one. This week, however, presents an opportunity so specific it’s as if you were designed for it. It’s nothing huge; in fact, its size is quite dwarfed by the tremendous positive effect it’ll have on your psyche–transforming your “liability” to an asset. I’d hate for you to miss it because you weren’t properly looking for it, so keep your eyes peeled and your extra fingers poised.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’re a beautiful piece of antique furniture whose classic lines have been obscured by 13 coats of paint. All your corners have gone round, blurred by layers upon layers of multi-hued latex. The only way to expose your true beauty and get your edges back is to strip all the way down to the wood. The process is likely to be messy and at least slightly painful, but it’s the only way to get back to the naked, raw, beautiful version of yourself that’ll keep you from ending up on the sidewalk with the beat-up IKEA discards.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Don’t eat when you’re not hungry. That’s good basic advice that you almost never listen to. “But it’s my lunch break!” cries your anxious mind. So you force yourself to eat because it’s the time someone else decided you should eat, or because everyone else around you is eating, or because you’re bored. But just because a banquet’s been laid before you this week doesn’t mean you need to eat from it. Oh, go ahead and drink a half-glass of champagne and nibble on a cracker, to be polite, but please, please don’t load up your plate and pretend you’re famished when you’re not.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Level the playing field. I’ve never actually met an arrogant Gemini. So you may not appreciate how that hubris, in those around you, can drag the whole game down for everyone, whether they’re playing or watching. Since you have to contend with a few self-proclaimed demi-gods to complete the task at hand, I’m allocating this task to you: poke holes in the dangerous, hydrogen-filled zeppelins of their superiority complexes, without blowing us all to kingdom come, or, of course, getting filled with hot air yourself.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Yes, that sea snake undulating towards you nearby is venomous, but it’s also gentle and shy, so don’t freak out. It’s head is so small it would have trouble biting you, and you’d really have to abuse it before it would even try. That cone snail you’re about to step on, however, can pierce your wetsuit and possibly kill you. You’re unfamiliar with the environment you’ve found yourself in. Fine. That’s a decent enough excuse, for now. But if you don’t start learning about it (and the deceiving forms its dangers can take), fast, you won’t last long. Nor will you have anyone to blame but yourself.
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