Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Your fantasy world is about to intersect your real life. Sadly, I don’t mean that Benedict Cumberbatch or Jennifer Lawrence plans on visiting your bedroom this evening. Actually, it’s a bit more negative than that, as whoever you’re screwing is likely to uncover one of your deepest darkest sexual or romantic secrets. This could lead to some seriously tense moments and profound embarrassment for both of you. But if you stay calm, own your (ultimately minor) perversions, and work it out, you could get what you’d never before imagined: actually living out your desires, instead of just imagining them.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Sagittarians evidently possess an extra sense that most other people lack: ethical vision. It doesn’t seem like much of a superpower, though; it actually resembles a handicap more than a boon, as it seems to occasionally keep you from doing things that your friends do without a second thought, like downloading pirated music, or grazing the produce section at the grocery store. Fortunately or unfortunately, you’re likely to encounter your own personal kryptonite this week, freeing you from the burden of always seeing such stark rights and wrongs. However, I hope you don’t take up shoplifting or insurance fraud just because you can’t see a victim. In these cases, there may be no obvious victim, but there still is one: you, or at least your long-term self-respect.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You’re an entire rhumba of rattlesnakes this week. With both Venus and Mars—the two sexiest planets—on your side this week, you’re more than just one lethal creature; you’re a whole horde of them. This is not a strike against you by any means—being more dangerous only makes you more attractive. Advertise it. You’ll see. You’re a quiver of cobras, a shiver of sharks. Wear a sign, make bold declarations. People will run. Some of them will flee (from your cocky arrogance as much as any danger). But most of them will be sprinting towards you, not away.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Snow is sensual, aesthetically beautiful, pure, even luxurious in some ways. You can see why some people despise it, but most Aquarians love the stuff—even the hard labor and disruption of routine it precipitates doesn’t bother you like those lazy, heat-seeking Leos, for example. So I’m confused why the person who’s recently entered your life has gotten such a bad review from you. Try to think of him or her as snow; the description certainly applies, as s/he’s beautiful, limited, inconvenient, disruptive, messy, and ultimately exactly as good or bad as the weather—in other words, it all depends on your perception.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Help people unlearn their fear. Fear’s got a tight grip on the world. It’s used to steer people, like cattle, all the time. You can help cure this epidemic of taught terror, because many Pisceans are curiously immune to it. You’re afraid of things, yes, but they’re almost never the things you’re instructed or encouraged (by parents, politicians, or the nightly news) to fear. Help those around you see how much harm and how little good their carefully-inculcated anxiety is causing. It’s hard to become fearless—maybe even too hard, for now—but I think it’s possible to learn (and teach) the distinction between real and present dangers and unlikely, conjectural ones.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Some people just have really bland palates. They can’t tolerate food that’s the least bit exotic or spicy. They’re into familiar meat and potatoes and bread; anything that diverges too far from that well-trod territory might as well be poison. Face it, Aries. You are spicy food. You’re a little exotic. Therefore, you’re not for everyone, or just anyone. So quit trying to ram yourself down the throats of those who wrinkle their noses at non-processed cheese; you’re simply too much for them. You may be convinced, like a well-meaning parent, that you’d be good for them, that they might even love you, if they could just be compelled to take a taste. But that’s not your call. Let them know you’re on the table and available for sampling. Then leave them alone.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This week you may be presented with a gift that’s the equivalent of seventeen stunning white ponies. There’s no denying the generosity of such a gesture, but there’s also no avoiding the fact that you simply can’t afford to accept it. Where would you keep these beautiful beasts? In your apartment? How could you feed them, or care for them? You can’t consistently keep your houseplants alive, let alone several tons of magnificent horseflesh. No matter how shell-shocked you are, don’t be stupid enough to say yes. This offer is more than you can handle, and you know it. Do the right thing and say: “Thanks, but no thanks.”
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
This week expect your emotions to wax bigger than you’re generally comfortable with. Tough shit. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s just bewildering. Embrace it, if you can, rather than resisting it. Think of this as your chance to channel and express all the melodrama and pathos of a chick flick or ancient Greek tragedy, without anyone batting an eyelash, as it will all seem to be perfectly appropriate, even called-for. That’s right, you get to be a drama queen without earning the label. Most people would jump at the chance. Can’t you at least give it an enthusiastic try? Sobbing, screaming, ranting and raving can actually be quite fun, satisfying activities. You’ll see.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You’re in for a refreshing break, a long stretch of calm internal oceans, with a strong, steady wind at your back. In other words, a quiet, low-key period in which you can make a surprising amount of forward progress, without the struggle that usually entails. The only danger lies in the possibility that you might screw yourself by overcomplicating things, by suddenly adding more to your plate. Stick with the original plan and it should all go swimmingly. Modify it now and you could get stuck in a Bermuda Triangle of your own ambitions, and might even sink the entire ship.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
I always sleep better in cooler weather. But I’m not a big fan of fall or winter—I like sunshine and heat, just like most Leos. However, I still haven’t mastered the knack of controlling the weather. Like most things out of our control, it’s best to enjoy what we can and not whine too loudly about the rest. So even if you’re a summer creature, try to notice all the autumn and winter things that you do enjoy, instead of fixating on the things that annoy you. Since almost everything in your life is kind of a mixed bag, that attitude will help you pretty much across the board.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Virgos love deadlines, secretly. They work for you, whether you admit it or not. Without them you’re a little lost—so much so that you often make arbitrary ones for yourself, even for tasks that aren’t especially time-sensitive. Nevertheless, external cut-off dates always work better than imaginary ones, so here’s one from the planets: Get your five most important short-term goals done before the end of the month, when life gets crazy and starts to mess with you, big time. Not sure what your top five immediate objectives are? Well shit, you have your work cut out for you then, don’t you?
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
When you were a kid, you were an expert at playing your parents off each other. Mom would say one thing, Dad another, and with a couple of strategic maneuvers on your part, you’d soon fly beneath the radar while they argued. You have a similar opportunity now—only Ma and Pa have been replaced by more current figures of authority. You could easily take advantage of the conflict that’s brewing between them, and reap great personal reward (if you don’t care about the tricky moral issues of this kind of opportunism). Or you could stay out of it completely. Your choice. I wouldn’t exercise option three (coming between them, however: you’d simply be crushed.
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