Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Although I’m usually bugged by anything you do that smacks of social climbing, I must admit that your ability to look out for yourself is useful. This week it’s likely to come especially in handy. There are a few folks floating around who could really help you out if only they knew you needed the help, and you made it worth their while. Before you start dishing out sexual favors, however, don’t let your drive get the best of you. Your self-respect is still worth a lot more than your self-advancement. These people can’t help you enough to make losing that worth your while.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Don’t wait for “the complete package.” It won’t fit in your mailbox. Instead, expect to receive your dream ____ (fill-in-the-blank: relationship, job, house, etc.) to arrive in installments over the next several months. They probably won’t arrive in the order you’d expect or prefer. For instance, if it’s a relationship we’re putting together, the sex might come first, with soulful conversation and deep friendship not showing up for weeks or months–or vice versa. All you have to do is be patient and wait–and don’t break any of the pieces until you’ve had a chance to put the whole thing together, okay?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Only those who are attracted to the unattainable have fantasies about Sagittarian partners. Those poor suckers are doomed to disappointment as one Sag after another loves them and leaves them. The rest of us are more realistic about our connections to you fascinating, sexy, and notoriously hard-to-pin-down Sagittarians. So when you’re finally ready to commit, you’re likely to have a hell of a time convincing us that it’s not a passing whim or tremendous joke. This week’s biggest challenge is overcoming your own hard-earned reputation and persuading everyone that you really intend to stick around this time.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
The camera can lie. A trick of lighting or perspective can make you look more beautiful or hideous than usual. If an impersonal machine can be fooled by an angle or a splash of backlighting, what makes you think a human being–who’s toting baggage and wearing dozens of lenses (perhaps without even being aware of it)–can be at all objective? Everyone’s got biases, delusions, illusions and confusions. Instead of taking personally someone’s misperceptions about you, try to remember (or guess at) where they’re coming from. Then, and only then, you’ll be able to gently disabuse them of their misguided notions and find some common ground.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You’ve been waiting so long for the green light that you’re likely to forget to go when it finally appears. Unfortunately, there’s no one waiting behind you to give you a honk and remind you to hit the gas and proceed, finally, after ages of waiting. Let me be that impatient driver eager to get through the intersection before the light changes for another interminable wait. You’ve been stuck at this place long enough. You’re not the only one who’s ready for you to move on. The rest of us would love to see you go somewhere else, too. Check it out. Light’s green. Go.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Could you be any more sensitive? I’ve watched Pisces who otherwise resemble full-grown men act like especially insecure 13-year-old girls over someone’s offhand, jokey comment about their weight. A casual remark–let alone an authentic critique–can send some of you into obsessive mental spirals worthy of any angst-ridden young teenager. The irony is that your confidence doesn’t match your looks, brains, or talent; a Leo gifted with any one of those would probably be an intolerable braggart. I’d hate for you to cultivate arrogance to match your gifts, but some confidence is long overdue. Work on that this week.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
There’s something admirable about your principled but impetuous nature. It’s also pretty dangerous, however. Maybe you should; all I’m suggesting is that some decisions (like that one, for example) deserve careful consideration about what you’d be getting yourself into before you jump right in. Don’t be brash about anything that requires more than a month of your time or the cash you have in your wallet, especially this week. Going with your gut is fine most of the time, but second thoughts can, occasionally, save you from your own well-meaning idiocy.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Telling the truth takes courage. I’m depressed and astonished when people are gutless. Even when they know it’s the right thing to do, that it’s actually kinder in the long run, they shy away from saying something that’s hard or negative. I prefer the truth, even when it’s harsh. I’ve never regretted being fully honest with someone, even if it was difficult or painful at the time. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that yanking the Band-Aid off was better than slowly removing it; that I, by being brutally honest, had actually spared them more heartache and pain. Think about that this week, and be truly, radically honest–now and always.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Don’t be passive this week. You’re sometimes awfully good at passing the buck and putting the onus on other people to take action–then you’re disappointed when they don’t. You want something from someone–you’ve got to step up and ask for it. Sure, there’ll be rejections and failures if you take risks like that, and they may crush you–if you’re made of paper. Personally, I think you can take it. It’s an easy equation: If you don’t make the first move, I guarantee nothing will happen. If you give it a go, you might fail, sure–but you might succeed. And with each attempt, you’ll get better, and succeed that much more often.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Cancers are first-class procrastinators. Unfortunately, the more you procrastinate, the more you procrastinate. As your To-Do list gets longer and longer, it also gets more daunting. You become more reluctant to begin it. Yours is already too long, isn’t it? That’s why you’re hiding out reading horoscopes instead of getting shit done. Tear that thing in half. Choose the half that’s easier and tackle that. Screw the rest, for now. It won’t get done anyway, so there’s no point in worrying about it. That stuff will just have to sort itself out. Well, what are you waiting for? You’ve still go half a To-Do list to get to, and it’s not going to get any shorter.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Let’s face it, Leo. You’re not an especially organized person. Compared to your average Virgo or Capricorn, you’re a total slob. You shouldn’t, however, let anyone judge you for it. Your goal this week isn’t to glean the approval of those more tidy (or anal) than yourself. It’s to figure out the environment that will maximize your creativity and generate that. If it turns out total chaos will make you flourish, then you have a responsibility to yourself to provide it, and screw anyone who disapproves.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You’ve been driving for weeks or months with the emergency brake on. You’ve known, all along, that something didn’t feel right; the car was acting weird, but you couldn’t figure out what it was. This week you’ll get a clue and remember to release the damn thing. Get ready to experience that lovely feeling of liberation and release when suddenly the vehicle steers, accelerates and stops exactly as it’s supposed to. Now you can take the scenic route, and enjoy the journey.
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