Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You get it: you have different kinds of connections with different people, and it’s best to just let the connection be what it is rather than impose something else on it. For instance, I rarely have great sex with Taurens–we just don’t click that way–but we generally have a huge mutual respect for each other and no major personality conflicts. We’re cut out to have easygoing friendships, not romances. Unfortunately someone in your life hasn’t figured out this lesson yet, and they’re pushing too hard in all the wrong directions. Gently steer them in the right direction, would you? I can’t bear to watch yet another of their train wrecks.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Some people are incredibly eager to always leap onto the next big thing; they buy the newest, coolest gadgets as soon as they can afford them, watch the hip shows, wear trendy clothing, and so on. These people are almost never Scorpios. It’s not that you’re traditionalists or sticks-in-the-mud. It’s just that you can’t be bothered with that shit until it comes more naturally into your life. If it turns out a TV show is really good and you missed out, you’ll catch up later. And you look good in any old clothing without hardly trying (most people just want to tear it off, anyway). Lately you’re more inclined to act more like the rest of us, but I wish you wouldn’t. Just stay cool. Don’t get swept up in any crazes that sweep past you this week. Not a one of them is worth it.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Although you’ve undoubtedly had some wild moments in your life, and taken tremendous risks, you haven’t really done so lately. Your recent life has been a lot tamer and more cautious than some of your previous chapters. Your biggest adventure these days is trying a new breakfast cereal. But I hope you’re not settling into some lameass old lady routine; you’re much too young to get so crotchety and set in your ways. Use this week to really bust out and get wild. Take some risks. Do some crazy shit. Prove you’re still alive, and raring for more life.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Slow down, slow down. I know how you love fast things. You dig fast cars (or better yet, motorcycles), fast Internet connections and loads of other fast things; even quickies hold a special allure for you on occasion. You know it can be dangerous moving at your favorite speeds–that’s part of the appeal. But if you know ahead of time that if you pass the speed limit (let alone double it, as you’re fond of attempting), you will definitely careen off the road, then you might be more inclined to keep your speedster tendencies in check. Don’t rush things. In fact, since the roads are so slippery at the moment (and of course I’m not talking about actual driving), it’d be a good idea to stay well under the speed limit.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Aquarians aren’t usually big on the whole group identity thing. While you possess a strong sympathy for your fellow humans, there’s something about defining yourself as part of a specific group that rubs you the wrong way. At the same time, you let yourself be subject to these periodic bouts of loneliness and isolation, the perfect cure for which is being part of some kind of community. I don’t expect you to suddenly become a gleeful joiner, but you’re also not going to ever be perfectly happy doing the hermit/loner thing. Find someplace where you belong, at least some of the time. It’ll do you good.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
If it were up to me, no one would mow their lawns. I like grass when it grows lush and tall, speckled with flowers and weeds. I don’t mind the billions of bugs who thrive in that mini-ecosystem, or the hidden piles of dog poo that a clipped lawn would expose. But of course someone decided that it was much nicer to look at thick grass all cut to a uniform length, so that’s what most people do and assume is better. I guess it depends on how much chaos and disorder you like in your life. You still need more. Let your metaphorical lawn grow.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your willingness to experiment has occasionally hurt people. It’s the unfortunate fallout that comes of taking something on that you’re not certain you’re up for. But what else are you supposed to do? Sometimes the only way to figure out if you’re into something is to try it. All you can do is be honest with those involved that it’s just an experiment and it might not work out. That might not be enough to completely avoid bruised feelings, but it’s all you can (and should) do. The alternative is not trying new stuff until you’re absolutely certain that it’s exactly the right thing for you. And how boring and pointless would that be?
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I could write anything in this space at the moment. I doubt you’ll even have time to read this shit, because this week you’re likely to go sort of nuts with activity, and you’re so all over the place that there’s truly no predicting what you’ll do or what kind of trouble you’ll get into. So I have nothing really to add, except have a blast–as I’m sure you will–and try not to make too much of a mess that you’ll have to clean up later. And don’t forget to practice your time-tested philosophy at every turn: the more, the merrier.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Sometimes it’s all about the smell of a flower. A favorite television show. A smile with a stranger. Heck, life might all be essentially meaningless and pointless and end in lightless oblivion. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be enjoyed. Maybe nothing ever amounts to anything. But there are millions of little things that don’t need to amount to anything to be perfectly wonderful. When you’re overburdened with existentialist ennui, try not to think or worry about all that big unknowable shit. Just focus on the simple meaningless stuff that doesn’t need to be big.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Admit it, you’ve been having more of an urge to be social and go out. Why have you dug your heels in so much and resisted it so adamantly? I know you tend to distrust these impulses, as they distract from your true priorities, but they’re not as dangerous as you think. They’re just your poor driven soul trying to create some balance in your life. I know you’re putting off fun now so you can have more later, but you’ve got to practice having fun all along the way, or you won’t know how to manage when you finally give yourself the freedom to really enjoy your life. Get out there and party a little this week. Consider it an investment in your happy future.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Seek your fortune. I mean it; actually look for little pockets of intensely lucky breaks this week. They’re there. I’m not talking quarters between the couch cushions; look for a billfold there instead. Okay, you probably won’t go so far as winning the lottery, but it’s still nothing to turn your nose up at. In any case, this good fortune won’t fall in your lap. You’ve got to actually look for it, so start searching. For once, if you do, you’ll find it.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Being nitpicky could be your downfall this week. I know you want everything to be “just so,” and you have some very good ideas about how things should play out, but you can’t control everything; in fact, there’s very little about this week’s situations that you can control. Trying to whine, bitch, or issue commands to compel everything to conform to your liking will only make you appear anal, spoiled, and petty, on top of still not getting you what you want. I don’t expect you to suddenly become a low-maintenance person overnight. Just turn the volume down, would you please?
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