Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
This is the kind of luck you’re likely to experience this week: It’s gorgeous and sunny when you leave the house, but by the time you’re an hour’s walk from home, pouring rain will make your return trip a very sodden affair indeed. I tell you this not so you’ll stay home (your crappy fortune isn’t confined to the weather, after all). Carry on with life as usual (and enjoy the beautiful weather when it occurs); just be prepared for lamer turns of events, and don’t be fazed when they happen. Remember, although it sucks, it could always be worse.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You don’t generally lay awake nights over questions of ethics. Rams have strong opinions about everything, and see the world, if not in black and white, then at least in clearly delineated shades of grey. You usually have no trouble deciding between them when necessary. When a close friend waffles over a decision that seems like a no-brainer to you, you might be tempted to take charge and make it for them. Resist this urge! Persistently advocate your viewpoint if you wish, but don’t take action. This, after all, is actually none of your business, and even though you know what the “right” decision would be, it’s your friend’s place to make it, or screw up (and, hopefully, learn from their mistakes).
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
There’s something charming about the stammering, fumbling innocence of a teenage first date. However, it’s not something most people would choose to experience much in the following decades. What’s endearing on a 15-year-old is much less so on a 35-year-old. Sometimes I wonder if you’ve figured that out yet, considering the people you choose to date or otherwise get involved with. They’re cute, I’ll grant you that. But let’s be realistic; some of these lameasses have the emotional IQ of a roll of toilet paper. Isn’t it time you met someone who was your equal, or, better yet–someone you could actually learn something from (even if, by chance, they’re a little less cute)?
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’ve never had the patience of a saint. Let’s be realistic; sometimes you don’t even have the patience of a three-year-old. Nevertheless I believe you capable of learning and practicing it, as required by this week’s events. Why is it necessary? Because being impatient would ruin everything. No one likes to be rushed, and in this case if you even hinted that something’s taking too long, it might be a deal-breaker. Take a breath, my speedy friend. These things take time. Get used to that, or else get used to not getting what you want.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Catch up on your sleep. Organize the junk drawer. Eliminate a few of the more annoying (and frequently postponed) things on your To-Do list. Do some early spring cleaning. Nothing especially earthshaking is likely to happen to you this week; therefore it’s the perfect time to set yourself up to tackle the future with the most energy and least baggage possible. Don’t seek out drama, just for entertainment’s sake (there’s always drama, if you look for it). Just enjoy the respite from all that crap, even if it’s a bit boring, and get shit done.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
I like it when people are as direct as I am. But that doesn’t mean everyone else enjoys me being blunt; I’ve offended many people by being a little too rude or outspoken. I don’t care all that much, personally; if someone can’t hack it, screw ‘em. You get that, right? Unfortunately, though, you don’t have the luxury of that kind of attitude this week, because you need at least one of those overly-sensitive losers to stick around for a while. That means biting your tongue a little, or at least amending your words to ones they can easily swallow.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
February zipped by. You barely noticed it. March, however, is going quite a bit slower–which is both a good and a bad thing. It’s good because it gives you time to deeply savor all the sweet stuff that’s been going down for you lately. It’s bad because it also gives you plenty of time to obsess over it, analyze it to death, and otherwise (accidentally) sabotage it. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but: keep yourself busy this month, Virgo. Not so busy that you can’t enjoy every last minute of the best bits of your life, but busy enough so that during the spaces in-between, you don’t have much of a chance to screw them up.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Of course, you’re as likely to be moody or crabby as anyone else, but people are surprised when you are. That’s because you don’t often display your irritability when it occurs, or complain about something you’re unhappy about. That’s a good thing, to a point. Unless someone’s directly in a position to change whatever’s upsetting you, it’s wise to limit how much you whine about it. However, when you pretend to be happy (or happy-go-lucky) while you’re actually seething underneath, sensitive folk around you will detect that, and label you a fake (and probably take it personally, besides). In other words, be real–even if being real isn’t the most pleasant thing in the world.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
I’d love to be a Scorpio. Even though you have it harder than other signs, you’re also more likely to live a deeper, more intense life than most of us. That, of course, more than your looks or sexual proclivities, is what magnetizes people to you. Lately, I don’t know what’s up with you; maybe someone told you to “lighten up,” and you took it to heart. Lighten up if you want, baby, but don’t expect to have the same kind of effect on those you’d seduce or charm. It’s sort of one or the other. I don’t know which you’ll choose, or which is right for you life at the moment. I just wanted to let you know what’s at stake.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You’ve made a bit of a habit of taking the path of least resistance at nearly every crossroads. In a way, you’re lucky to have the flexibility to do that, and to be fair, when one of your fundamental principles is on the line, you pursue the more ethical path, regardless of the effort involved. But what about those choices that don’t violate your morals, like this week’s? The choice before you is clear-cut, on one level, for one path is easy and smooth, while the other would definitely be rockier. It might nevertheless be the wiser course to pursue, though–not because it violates your principles, but because it interferes with someone else’s. And what better way to impress someone than to show them that, even if you don’t exactly share their perspective on life, you can respect it?
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
The bad news is that you’re too busy for your own good. To get everything done, you’ll need to be exceptionally organized and strictly control how you use your time. The good news is that you happen to be very good at exactly that, even when it requires strong discipline. Don’t get nervous, but people are watching to see just how you’ll handle this situation. This is not only about how much you get done, but how you prioritize. We already know what you care about, on your own; we want to see how much you can care about what we care about. Without violating your own perspective, let’s find out. How much can you?
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You guard your feelings sometimes like they’re precious, shameful secrets. They shouldn’t be, you know. You’re allowed to show you’re hurt or damaged, and not hide that like it’s an out-of-control addiction to clown porn. In fact, showing your vulnerability is exactly what’s desired from you at the moment, and the longer you hold out, the more those who want to be there for you will lose patience and give up. Open up, already, and share the “secrets” you’ve been holding onto for too long. And if that includes admitting you’d really like to see your lover in a scarlet afro and sad-face, than so be it.
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