Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
If a song gets stuck in your head this week, don’t share it. Grit your teeth and keep the thing to yourself. You’re likely to get infected with persistent memes you just can’t get rid of right now, like tricky, antibiotic-resistant infections. It’ll take a tremendous effort of conscious will to keep from sharing this shit with the world, but please do that. Look at it this way: If you can quarantine this crap inside your own head, when it dies there it’s gone. If you spread it, though, even once you get rid of it, you won’t be safe. Sooner or later, it’ll come back around to haunt you again.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Stop being embarrassed by your desires. So you’re a person who’s turned on by chubby people, or you have a pie-in-the-face fetish, or you think wealth is sexier than six-pack abs. Own it. Sneaking around and indulging yourself only when no one else is looking is no way to live. Think about what a relief it’ll be to finally walk around with your large lady at your side, or stop scrambling to describe your lover’s better qualities when they’re all green and live in their wallet. You’re ready to own who and what you are, right? This week, show us.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
It’s so easy for you to take all the blessings in your life for granted – sometimes especially those you have no real right to. I’m not saying you shouldn’t enjoy the fruits of your good fortune; quite the opposite, actually. Do enjoy them, as fully as possible. Be grateful for them, and savor them. Sometimes you rush through stuff and barely notice it, which is more or less what you’ve been doing lately. When was the last time you simply stopped and really savored something wonderful? The next time you’re asked that question, I want the answer to be: “Five minutes ago.”
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
It’s astonishing to me that I have to remind and instruct Aries to take the time to enjoy the pleasures in their lives when you – the ultimate hedonists – live right next door. Your ability to savor your life’s delights is legendary. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt when I ask why you haven’t been explicitly sharing them with everyone you know, and assume that it’s because you guessed they wouldn’t appreciate them. While it’s true few could squeeze out as much enjoyment from these things as you can, please share them anyway. They might not really know how to relish this stuff. That’s not a reason to deny them, though. It’s a reason to teach them.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’re spending most of this week in line for an awesome roller coaster. Most of the time you’ll be bored out of your skull, until suddenly everything will happen at once. Then the thrilling ride will grind to a halt and there’s nothing for it but to get back in line once again and wait. The insanity of your stop-and-go existence (with more stopping than going, these days) is probably perplexing to those around you. It’ll start to become confusing to you, too, after a few more rounds on the roller coaster. At that point, though, don’t feel trapped. Exercise the option you’ll probably have forgotten about by then: Get out of the line.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
How are Pisces so relaxed, when they’re just as sensitive and perceptive as you are? Drugs, probably. It could also be a logistical thing. You conceive of a new worry and simply add it to your list, never doubting your own ability to get to fretting about it eventually. When a Pisces’ list gets too long, they crumple it up and throw it away, because they know their own limitations. Your to-fret-about list is too long, only you’re deluding yourself that you can get to it all. Can’t you find a reason to discard and forget about it, like your Pisces cousins? Never mind that your worrying won’t do any good. Accept that you don’t have enough time in the day and at least tear the damn thing in half.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Everything’s a trade-off. Eat that triple chocolate fudge cake and it’ll go straight to your ass. That’s just the way life is; we balance the good vs. the bad and we make decisions about whether or not dessert is worth the extra effort it’ll take to work off (or fat we’ll have to look at in the mirror). Stop looking for the perfect deal. In fact, most of the deals this week are just sort of fair – no great bargains, but no huge rip-offs, either. If you wait for the amazing deal that’s likely never going to come, you’ll end up not getting anything at all.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You’ve gotten so into the habit of giving good advice that you forgot to notice that some people stopped asking for it. In fact, that you keep giving it without prompting completely cancels the fact that it’s probably sage wisdom; they’re too busy being pissed off to notice. Shut your mouth, right now. Stop dishing out your two cents for a while. Don’t be bitter about it. Just hang tight and wait. See who asks for it, and of course give it to them. As for those who never speak up – well, they’re one less thing you have to worry about. Take that and run with it.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
As you age, you’re going to look and act more and more like your parents. That may thrill you or horrify you (probably the latter), but I hope you find a way to accept it gracefully. You’ll probably realize that in some cases they weren’t as deluded or unreasonable as you thought they were – either that, or you’ve become nearly as bad. Whatever the case, don’t dwell on your newfound perspective, but use it to wrangle some newfound appreciation for your parents from your sorry, ungrateful ass. They’re hardly perfect, but they’re better than you thought they were. Go tell them.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Some Scorpios say something is “water under the bridge,” but they don’t really mean it. They secretly harbor resentment, and express it in nasty, passive-aggressive ways. You may have guessed that this is not a good thing. But how to let this shit go? That, my dear, is the question of this week, this year, this lifetime. How do you forgive and forget – or, even if you can’t truly forget, how can you truly forgive? I assure you it’s possible, even for you stubborn scorpions. This may not be something you can learn on your own. Find your most compassionate and laidback friend. Ask them for lessons. This week your homework is this: truly letting go of at least three wrongs you’ve been hanging onto for far too long. Don’t rest until you figure out how.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
There should be no surprises here. If there are things that shock you in this situation it’s only because you’ve deliberately blinded yourself to them and refused to acknowledge their reality. This is like when parents of a gay kid go into denial about it. They know, but they just don’t want to know, and think they can retain plausible deniability as long as they’re not told about it. You think you can, too, but it’s hardly plausible in either case. Just open your damn eyes already. This is what it is. Nothing you can do will change that. You can, however, finally accept it. This week, please do that.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Get your own house in order before you try to set someone else’s straight. There’s a reason psychiatrists are supposed to receive mental therapy as well as give it; you can’t help other people if your own head is all kinds of screwed up. That doesn’t mean things need to be perfect before you’re able to lend a hand to someone who’s worse off than you. But a degree of stability is desirable – one slightly higher than what you’ve got now. This week is work-on-your-foundation week. If someone else is raising a barn, they’re going to have to do it without you.
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