Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Here you go. What do you mean, “what is it?” It’s an invisible jet, of course. Yes, I know you’ll look ridiculous flying around in it. Does that mean you don’t want it? If possibly embarrassing yourself will keep you from exercising every resource at your disposal, you might as well give up now. There’s a shitload of fun to be had with an invisible jet and the other slightly less than optimal advantages you have available to you. See if you can focus on enjoying them, instead of on the details that don’t fit your idea of perfection.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Be aggressive. It’s better than being passive-aggressive, which is pretty much your only other option here. These feelings of yours demand expression, one way or another. They simply won’t be kept locked up. So you can act on then directly and openly, which might make you look like kind of a dick, but at least it’s honest. Or you can vent them in subtle and indirect ways, which will make you be a total dick – just not as obviously. So which is it going to be? Do you want to appear nice but actually be a sneaky bitch? Or look bitchy, but open the option to truly move on?
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Even rich kids who haven’t been coddled and spoiled by their parents still know the money’s there. They know that if shit goes down, Mommy or Daddy will step in to help them take care of those hospital bills or post bail or whatever. It’s different navigating life without any safety net; it’s much easier to walk a tightrope knowing a tumble won’t break your leg or your neck. However, even that risk (which might be present this week, when you discover that your safety net isn’t as secure or foolproof as you thought) shouldn’t keep you from doing what you want.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Sometimes the condom has a hole, or the airbag doesn’t deploy, or the parachute doesn’t open. Accidents happen. There’s no one to blame, except – if you’re being especially judgmental – the person taking the risk in the first place. Wasting a whole bunch of time pointing fingers or trying to find someone upon whom to pin a shitload of anger and blame is really stupid and juvenile. Yes, I know you want somewhere to put all that crap. However, you don’t have the right to just dump this wherever you want, just because you’re distraught. Vent it somewhere appropriate.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
While doing something you weren’t supposed to be doing – digging through your lover’s email, for instance – you discover something you weren’t supposed to find out about. In this scenario, most people would do the conniving and twisted manipulative thing; that is, strive to expose the lie without ever revealing their own indiscretions. That, my friend, is some seriously lame bullshit. Their screw-up doesn’t justify yours. If you want to call them out on what they did, be an adult and call yourself out for what you did. Either that, or let the two “sins” cancel each other out.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Whether this surprise is more a pleasure or a hassle doesn’t matter; it’s what’s happening. Even if it’s not the delight it was intended to be, play pretend. The thought does count, or it should, especially when it’s mostly your own baggage that’s keeping it from truly being the joy it was meant to be. That’s no one’s fault, but I do believe your emotional luggage has already kept you from going to some pretty interesting and wonderful places. When are you going to ditch it? Now would be a pretty good time. If that’s not possible, at least do your best to enjoy this particularly sweet moment. You can go back to hauling your crap around afterwards, if you must.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Cram enough skeletons into your closet and you may have trouble closing the door. I don’t know that you need to share everything that’s ever happened to you when you become intimate with someone – some things are truly dead and buried, and better off staying that way. But when your problems may come knocking or lurking, it’s probably better to ‘fess up before they do. Got a few ghosts still haunting your life? Make some introductions and control the story before it breaks on its own. Fail to do that, and you may have a few new skeletons moving in with the old ones before too long.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
While you are certainly within your rights to deliver a truth brutally, would you consider breaking the news gently instead? Kindness hasn’t necessarily been your strong suit, traditionally, I know. Try to dredge up some compassion, anyway, even if this particular fool doesn’t especially deserve it. What goes around comes around, remember? Put yourself in their shoes – in itself a difficult task, considering the circumstances – and give them the treatment you’d like if this were your news to receive. Someday that may actually be the case, and karma can be a cold bitch.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Unicorns, for some reason, are associated with uniqueness; however, almost every image of them is pretty much like every other. There doesn’t seem to be anything particularly unique about them. Similarly, rainbows represent diversity, even though they’re all identical, with the colors in the same order and quantity every time. My point? The usefulness and accuracy of symbols and metaphor is very much in question this week. Don’t employ it. Instead of embracing analogy, just present things exactly as they are. That’s more accurate, more acceptable, and just plain better in every way. Skip the fancy verbal footwork for when you might actually need it – right now, you’re better off without.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Imagine an honest-to-goodness extraterrestrial appeared to you, and only you, pleading for sanctuary and secrecy. On the one hand, granting its request seems like the right thing to do – who knows what we’d do to it otherwise? On the other hand, keeping it secret would be pretty harsh to the rest of your race – not only those to whom it could be a symbol of inspiration or hope, but also to those to whom it might present a threat. There is no clear right or wrong to the situation you’ll find yourself in this week; I’m afraid you’ll just have to trust your gut, and keep seeking a happy middle ground. It may not exist, but you’ll never know for sure unless you keep on looking for it.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Regarding the destruction of ideas, book-burning has never been particularly effective, and in this day and age, when you can store a million books on a device you can fit in your pocket, it’s just laughable. In fact, most efforts to suppress ideas has the opposite effect – it calls more attention to those ideas than they would have ever gotten, otherwise. Any press is good press, as they say. If you really want people to forget about something, the worst thing you can do is denounce it. If your aim is to keep people from paying attention to something, your best strategy is to ignore it – and make them pay attention to something else instead. I’ve heard you were good at creating entertaining distractions. This week, prove it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Are you being as weird as you can be? This isn’t to suggest you should pretend to be someone you’re not, but you do have this tendency to downplay your eccentricities and try to play it as “normal” as possible, especially with people you don’t know well. News flash: for some of us, normal is very, very boring. Someone might decide you’re not even interesting enough to make an effort for. Don’t make the mistake of concocting idiosyncrasies just to make yourself seem more fascinating, but when trying to make a first (or second) impression, don’t hide the ones you actually have.
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