Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Let Mary Poppins advise: “In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. Find that fun and snap! The job’s a game!” When it comes to work, your scales are way out of whack. You either work too hard (and are consequently miserable) or play too much (to escape the drudgery of your job). Balance that scale: You need to find something you really and truly enjoy about your job. If you can’t, for goodness’ sake find something else so you can quit. At the very least, discover and nurture a creative outlet for your passions (besides partying) that will at least make your employment seem worthwhile—as a means to get to paint, travel, kite board, or whatever.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Orthodox Christians believe that Jesus ended his earthly life by ascending bodily into Heaven. The Holy Prepuce, or his foreskin, would be one of the only physical remainders left behind. It’s said to possess various miraculous powers, just like your dick or vulva. The Prepuce is missing; no one knows where it is now. Sadly, your genitals’ magical powers are similarly misplaced; sex alone isn’t currently enough to work the miracles you usually take for granted. You’ll find that nothing like them is even remotely possible unless you feel it with your heart, not just your horniness, and then you’ll find that the “victim” of the enchantment you weave is most likely to be yourself. This, however, is not a bad thing.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Most Sagittarians just run with what they want, often to the ends of the earth, with discarded or misled people or pieces of self strewn along the way. (If you’re one of those few Sags who reacts against the power of your passions, strictly refusing yourself even the most minor of indulgences, disregard this horoscope. Concentrate on loosening up, instead.) As for the rest of you: stop being such selfish freaks. If it means sacrificing some of the things you want, to give someone else what they need this week, for goodness’ sake, just do it.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Contrary to popular opinion, you are neither rock nor island. You depend on your community of chosen folk, and they count on you as well, when you’re not too busy neglecting them for your work or other “important stuff.” The thing is, you need them more than you think you do. Sadly, too many Caps discover this the hard way, when something really screwed up comes along and they realize that their net has eroded and withered in their absence. Don’t let this happen to you. You have a chance to really be there for the people you want to stand by you. Don’t let them down.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
In at least three recent dreams I’ve noted that I was dreaming without taking that realization to the next logical step and having sex with celebrities, flying like Superman, being worshiped like a god, or all three at once. You, too, have missed out on numerous opportunities to take advantage of a favorable situation, one that could almost have you vigorously exercising your stud(ette)hood, soaring high overhead, or being adulated by crowds of screaming admirers. Luckily, there are one or two more chances remaining this week to at least momentarily live out some of your silliest and most compellingly unrealistic fantasies. Watch for them, and grab them.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Just because your lover doesn’t keep a picture of you as their phone’s lock screen doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Au contraire, they’re just showing it in different ways, and probably ones that are far more meaningful than a stupid picture on their phone. Stop looking for love in exactly the language you’re used to; no one speaks it fluently enough, and most aren’t trying. Instead, be more open to it coming in various surprising, exciting, and eminently cool shapes. If you’re willing to be romantically multilingual, you’re likely to have a thrilling and fascinating week.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
This week, do what you do best: Remake reality to suit you. You Rams are notorious for impetuously rushing into a situation, horns lowered, and just bashing at it until it yields to your indomitable will. This is unnerving and daunting to nearby observers, and disempowering and frightening for those actually in danger of getting gored on your unstoppable resolve. (Let’s not even get into some of the disasters that have resulted.) Consequently, tremendous efforts have been made to train you out of that mostly bad habit. However, there are occasions where it’s more than useful—it’s necessary. This is one.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Feng shui your apartment, or at least rearrange the furniture. You need some stirring up, and the best way to do that is to mess with your home, where you keep at least half your identity. New things will rise to the top of your personality simply by moving the couch, rotating your bed 90°, or switching rooms with one of your roommates. Pieces of you are buried in the dust bunnies in that heretofore unreachable corner of your bedroom, or between the couch cushions. They’ve been there so long, you almost forget about those parts of yourself. Take them out and wear them like old clothes that have been out of rotation so long they’re cool again.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You are the triumphant warrior returning home with the severed head of the Medusa-like monster held high, only to be told: “Um, that’s not Medusa. Poor thing. She sure is ugly, but she’s no gorgon. Sorry!” All that hard-won pride transmutes instantly to utter sheepishness and remorse, and, yes, trepidation, as you realize you have to go out there again and face the real fiend. Scary prospect when just vanquishing her relatively powerless look-alike was all kinds of screwed up. Nevertheless, that’s what you need to do. Apologize for the unintended decapitation, then head out to do the real work you set out to do—taking down the villain in your personal storyline.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You are the ocean, effectively. At any given moment, there are parts of you heaving with building-high waves, ravenous beasts surging through the cold water of impenetrable depths, seething currents and riptides that can suck the legs out from under whoever stands in their way (including yourself), as well as vast areas that serenely ripple with relative calm. How you appear to those nearby depends on which part of yourself rolls to consciousness’ shore with the daily tide. It can be downright alarming to some how quickly you seem to change from day to day, until they realize that it’s all you; you’re just the most complex and bewildering person they know. Most of us have figured that out; gently clue in the remaining few still lingering fearfully in the dark.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Time for some me-time. You’re so used to your typical frenzy of activity, and the forced socialization that comes with, that you’ve forgotten how to hang out with just yourself. Some of you have even lost track of who you actually are when you’re not reacting to other people (and their insanity). No need to disappear—preparatory phone calls, emails, and outgoing voicemail messages are a good idea. But at some point—for at least a couple of days, if not the whole week—lock your door, unplug the phone and don’t speak to anyone unless they’re selling you a cup of coffee or renting you a DVD. This is your time. Don’t screw it up by sharing it with anyone else.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Snakes lurk malignly in the tall grass, rife with aggression and venom. Just wandering into their vicinity could be enough to trigger a potentially lethal bite. Luckily, I’m here to warn you not to walk in those dangerous territories this week. Stick to the paths and don’t put any appendages where you can’t clearly see them. That goes for fingers, tongues, and dicks, not just feet. I mean it. Be adventurous next week. But just for now, keep tabs on any part of yourself you’d like to keep. You don’t know what might be skulking just out of sight, but it’s a pretty good guess that it isn’t good.
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