Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You’re the host(ess) with the most(est), or you ought to be, this week. Don’t even think about leaving your house, except to dash out to pick up more vegetarian pigs-in-a-blanket, a DJ, or bags of ice for the fabulous cocktails you’re whipping up for your guests. Folks are queuing up outside, waiting to partake of your cuisine, bar, wit, and hospitality, and chances are you’re eager to give it to them. It’s more or less a win-win, as far as I can tell, unless you resist it–and I can’t for the life of me imagine why you would.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Loneliness and disconnection are familiar feelings, no? Most of those who love you haven’t a clue you feel that way, though, because your perpetually cheery disposition gives no sign. When you relate your grand adventures, you consistently leave out all the parts where you were lonely, worried, or bored, so it’s no wonder people get the impression that your existence is a thrill a minute. They imagine a glamorous life with friends all over the world, without once considering how isolating it can feel to have a circle of friends so widespread that half of them don’t know each other. This doesn’t lend itself to the feeling of family and connectedness you sometimes want badly. However, it is there for the having: all you have to do is let those nearby know you crave it.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Your soul’s as deep and dark as the La Brea tar pits and contains about the same number of skeletons. Therefore you tend to suspect others of harboring similar sticky messes, and so an offhand comment can get taken way too seriously. Sadly, their words aren’t coming from such real places, but are instead either careless or affected, and thus not worthy of the angst they cause you. Don’t let things get too heavy too fast this week, as they could all too quickly escalate into a melodrama that you won’t be able to escape for months, at least not without serious damage to all egos involved (including yours).
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
There’s this craving you’ve been teasing at, like a tongue at a loose tooth. Your usual haunts and crowds simply can’t satisfy it, so you’ve been resisting its exploration. However, it’s time to venture outside of your safe zone, whether that takes you to the red-light district to hang out with crack whores, or to swanky bars where the local celebrity royalty parties. You have to be open to change, or you’ll never be happier than you are right now. Sadly, change means you have to risk screwing up what you already have. You could end up worse off–but I don’t think you will. I think the pursuit of your truth will grant you more happiness (albeit composed of different parts) then you’ve ever known. However, it’s all speculation until you give it a try.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Pessimism levels in your blood are astronomical this week. Or, rather, they’re astrological, as it’s only partially habit that’s forcing you to view your life through such darkly negative filters, the rest is planetary influence from on high. Unfortunately, your resistance to cynicism is dangerously low; you’re far too inclined to believe the worst of people. Yes, your trust has been shattered repeatedly, but that’s no excuse not to patch it back up and wear it out in public again. There’s a difference between naïveté and openheartedness. The former is forever out of your reach, but the latter is totally achievable–and looks a lot better on you than drab, tired, bitterness.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Excuse me, my dear: are you on speed? Your mind is sidestepping obstacles with the reflexes of a housefly, and outpacing light to distant destinations. You’re so full of intense, varied, and occasionally brilliant ideas this week, more than you’ve had in the past three months combined. The floodgates have swung open; now you’re virtually drowning in inspiration. The chief danger lies not in suffocation beneath a lake of insight, however, but in forgetting these revelations nanoseconds after they occurred. Save yourself months of regret by painstakingly documenting every one, via post-its, notepads, and self-addressed voicemails and emails. Don’t trust your unstoppable brain to keep track of or retain them, though; it simply won’t.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Stop being so insecure. You’re the most amazing person most of your friends know, so it’s astounding that you could at times be so completely unsure of yourself. Resist getting offended or feeling slighted this week, as your self-doubt is likely to make you take nearly everything the wrong way. The key to mastering this feeling (and resisting the sabotage you usually catalyze when in its thrall) is simply giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. Assume everyone wants you to be happy and successful and loves you dearly, at least until you’re unequivocally proven wrong–which will almost never happen.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Extravagance is second nature to you. Why buy the cheap Hershey’s shit when you can purchase imported 70 percent cocoa dark chocolate that’s five times the price? What happens, though, when your artist friends can’t keep up with you, financially? I wouldn’t dare to suggest that you deprive yourself of all the pleasures you so dearly love. But perhaps this week would be a good time to: 1. Learn the joys of slumming it, and how much fun can be had on the cheap; 2. Play Mommy or Daddy and treat your impoverished buds, or 3. Ideally, a little of both of these.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Self-sabotage isn’t your style, darling. You’re more savvy than that, aren’t you? If you’re going to cheat, you’ll do it because you want to, not because you secretly want to get caught, right? Then why is there so much evidence to the contrary, evidence that points to a desire to really screw yourself over? I just keep checking and rechecking my astrological forecast and seeing that one little thing you’re up to that’s just not on the up and up. It’s sneaky and conniving and utterly out of character, so I’ve been asking myself all week: “What the hell is that about?” Either quit it or own it, already, would you?
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Your hackles are up. For some reason, every defense instinct is on full alert this week. In other words, you’re raring for a fight. Sadly, your gut impulses are way off. It’s highly unlikely that anyone is actually out to screw you over, despite supposedly ample evidence to the contrary. Beating up your adversaries might make you feel better, until the consequent lawsuits and hassles ensue, when you might feel pretty stupid for acting on misdirected suspicions. What to do? Sit tight. In a week, things will be much more clear, and you’ll be able to act in a way that’s better for the long-term, and without getting lawyers involved.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Kick the ass of anyone who calls you a melodramatic sap this week. Your emotions are running high lately, even for you, and focused mainly on very small details–but that’s nothing to be ashamed of, despite what some would have you believe. The easy solution to their scorn is fierce action. There’s no need to question too intensely what you’ve been feeling. Emotions are irrational, and trying to make them conform to some logical blueprint will never work. Instead, righteously defend your prerogative to feel them and act on them. And as for anyone who can’t handle that? Screw ‘em.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
There’s the town. Here’s a bucket of red paint. What are you waiting for? Screw anything that smacks of routine this week; it’ll just bore, drain, and stall you (and somehow not get done, anyway). Laundry, dishes, shopping: all that can wait, and probably should, as you can get it all done in half the time next week than it would take this week. Meanwhile, you’ve virtually got the ability to dance for seven days straight, without drugs or magic shoes. Why waste it? You’ve already learned that going with the flow is mostly better than struggling upstream. The flow wants you to have fun. Don’t have the gall to complain. Just get to it.
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