Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Just as a migratory bird returns to the same spots each year, its route based on memorized landmarks it learned from its predecessors, you’ve been a creature of habit on a grand scale. That is, you’ve revisited identical mental locations, in the same order, for years now. The hapless fowl does it because it’s a matter of life or death, but you do it, frankly, because you’re lazy, sometimes. This week, break free of instinct or habit and venture into some totally new territory. Who knows? You could discover a feeding ground more bountiful than the ones you know, or pioneer a mating dance that gets all the babes.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Learn from Leos. They’re your astrological opposites, but you’re not as different as you think; you’re both affable, social, maintain large groups of friends and acquaintances (but allow only a select few to get close). In fact, the only significant difference between you is not methodology but motivation. In other words, you both do similar things, but while their actions are driven by emotion and the inertia of enthusiasm, yours are prompted by the urgings of your overactive mind and the restless stirrings of imagination and inspiration. In other words, while they could benefit from your logic, reason, and cool-handed touch, you could learn a lot (and go a lot farther, too) with a hearty, turkey-baster-sized injection of their passion.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Do you want to be really and truly happy? Like, ecstatic with heart-soaring delight? Tough shit. As long as you want it, you can’t have it, at least not this week, or even this season. Right now, if I were you, I’d settle for adjectives like serene and content. The kind of bliss you’re craving has to sneak up on you right now, and it’ll never catch you unless you just stop looking for it. So settle down. Sometimes it’s appropriate to hunt down joy, but not right now. Hey, don’t freak; this is really a good thing—all you have to do to find your bliss is to slow down and chill out long enough for it to catch up with you.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Pull up! Pull up! Just grab that stick and haul back, because the plane you’re on is going to nosedive and crash otherwise. A few months ago, that prospect wouldn’t have fazed you, but now that you’ve achieved some impressive height and even spent time at cruising altitude, it’d be a shame to not only have to start all the way back at sea level, but to have to rebuild the plane first. Turbulence and minor dips along the way are to be expected on a journey like yours, but there’s no reason to lower the wheels just yet.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your heart is in need of the kind of wakeup call your mouth gets when you bite into something tart first thing in the morning. It should leave you tingling around the edges, cringing pleasantly from the intensity of the flavor, and nourishing you with deliciousness. Luckily, this kind of morsel is in reach of your tongue right this second. I can’t believe you haven’t noticed, or if you have, you’ve turned up your nose in anticipatory distaste. Screw that shit. It’s been a while since you tried something new, and here’s something you might actually like—a lot. So open your mouth, stick out your tongue, and lick.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You don’t need to tame your body. It’s not your enemy. Don’t be afraid of the various smells and substances it produces; they’re just part of being human. One of the shittiest things about being members of Western culture is we develop ideals about our bodies that are unrealistic, regarding how pleasantly-scented and perfectly-shaped they ought to be. In actuality, while there’s no dearth of people who want to sleep with models (thanks to very effective cultural programming) there are also millions who are going to get off on your bigger booty, dick or boobs that are “too big” or “too small,” or stumpy ankles. Since you’re more liable to meet and get along with one of these folks this week, own what you got. Be proud.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Holy crap, you’re wound tight these days. Loosen some of the strings on your instrument; they’ve all gone sharp. Take a break from those you’ve been playing with and retreat somewhere quiet for a while so you can reflect and retune. It doesn’t matter that the instrument you’re playing is your heart and soul, not a violin or stand-up bass. It can warp and be ruined by abuse just the same. Take your time. There’s plenty of beautiful music to be made, but unless you deal with all this unresolved or unaddressed tension, it’s going to sound like shit.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’ve been taking things one step too far, lately. You managed to get over the hurdle of figuring out what exactly it is that you want, no problem. But then instead of simply asking for it, clearly, you bite your tongue, and start analyzing the best way to ask for it, the one most likely to get results. Unfortunately, your process, by its very nature, outwits and invalidates itself. In other words, you’re overthinking things, and it shows. No one wants to be manipulated, and when they can tell that’s what’s up, it inevitably backfires. This week, be as direct and forthright as possible—I suspect you’ll be pleased with your results.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
I didn’t bother counseling you to construct elaborate vows for this year’s New Year’s Resolution because you simply haven’t needed anything as arbitrary as a clichéd holiday to make decisions for yourself and your life this past year. You’ve been remarkably self-motivated, as well as self-scheduling. Maybe I was wrong, because this past week you’ve slowed down, perhaps burdened with too much holiday weight. I can’t help believing that you were the only one in charge of all your butt-kicking this past year, so why start off the new one with a less effective M.O.? Having said that, I will add: it may be time to give yourself another motivating slap on the ass.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
I’ve had whole series of celebrity dreams lately, mostly focusing on C- or D-list celebs who I couldn’t give two shits about. Still, it reflects the widening focus of my waking life: I’m trying to consistently consider things and people outside my usual realm of experience and my modest social circle. Can you please do that too, Libra? I’m worried that you’ve become too ensconced and involved in your own limited little world, too carried away by the minor soap opera dramas of your office or household. The solution, of course, is a trip—either mental or physical, to a distant, eminently different location. Dream it or live it; it really doesn’t matter—just get out of the neighborhood for a while, and meet some new people.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week you get to play one of your favorite roles: sommelier of vice. You may know pot, sake, or sex better than you know wine; regardless of your field of expertise, someone is dying to consult with you and learn from your experience. Teach them, Obi-Wan. The best part about having an apprentice in your favorite realm of iniquity is that you can have a lot of fun with your lessons—and there’s always the very good possibility that at some point very soon, the student will become the teacher, and that’s always a good time.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
New Year’s Eve is usually a bullshit let-down. Somehow, despite past experience, you expect this night to be somehow special, but it almost never is. I don’t often dish out this kind of pragmatic but uninspiring advice, but it’s necessary at the moment: lower your expectations, Sag. They’re just too high. By all means, go out, find someone cute to kiss at the celebratory moment, but don’t build it up to be more than just another evening, just another glass of champagne. Anxiously anticipating fun doesn’t usually leave much room for it to actually happen. Relax and let it be lame; at least then the space exists for unexpected amusement. If it doesn’t happen, no biggie; there’ll be more nights and more champagne.
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