Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
People pretend at shit all the time. They pretend to know what they’re talking about when they taste a wine; they imagine they’re experts on politics, or world change, or morality. But most of them are dilettantes at best and self-deluding jackasses at worst. When you meet someone who really knows their shit, it’s obvious–often because they’re so cool and low-key about it. They don’t need to pose or try too hard or even necessarily say anything. Why should they? They know what they know and how many other people get it (or don’t) can’t change that. You don’t need to prove yourself either, so don’t bother trying–it just drags you down.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Asian honeybees, when defending their hives against rapacious (and much larger) wasps, cook them to death. They surround the wasp with dozens of bees, vibrating to produce 113° or more of heat. If it were just a handful of degrees warmer, they’d die themselves. Emulate their example. Sometimes you’ve got to take a tremendous risk to gain what you need or want. This is one of those times. If you’re not willing to lay it all on the line, whatever you do risk won’t be enough to accomplish whatever you want done. Are you willing to chance self-annihilation to achieve a beloved aspiration? How important is this goal to you, ultimately? Very important? Then prove it: Don’t hold anything back.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Sexual relationships change or they stagnate and die (or often continue in half-dead zombie stasis for years). Toys and accessories only carry you so far; ultimately renewal and regeneration, coupled with acceptance, are the only way to make things last. Acceptance that they’ll ebb and flow, and a willingness to re-fall in love with your partner every time he or she becomes someone new. Your instinct is to always try to make things “like they were,” but it’ll get you nowhere. Go for making things “like they’ve never yet been,” and you’ll have a far better chance.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week could be a camel-back-breaking straw. Capricorns are generally pretty careful about taking too much on, so even though you’re ambitious, you’re also efficient and good at time management. In fact, the only way you get overloaded is by taking on the little shit that you can’t easily say no to. You’ve got a full schedule, but then you’re asked to do one more tiny thing, then another, and before you know it, you’re in nervous breakdown town. It’s hard to feel okay about saying, “No, I actually can’t pick up the dry-cleaning,” or “I’m so ridiculously busy I don’t have time to meet for lunch.” Nevertheless, given your present circumstances, that’s probably what you ought to do.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Pigs aren’t as cuddly as dogs or cats, but they’re just as smart; some say they’re better at reasoning, recall, and problem-solving than most human three-year-olds. Aquarians are similar; at first glance you aren’t quite as malleable and adoring as your fellow Air signs, the Librans, or as vivacious and fun-loving as those zany Geminis, but if people take the time to look closer, you actually suit what they’re looking for, most of the time, better than your flashier astrological cousins. The trick isn’t increasing your flash factor, it’s convincing people to stick around long enough to realize that they not only don’t need that glam surface stuff, but they’re better off without it.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
When I went off to summer camp as a kid, it was its own world. Contact with folks and friends back home happened through handwritten letters and the occasional brief coin-funded phone call. It was a chance for me and my fellow campers to try on new selves, unhampered by the expectations of those who already knew us. Camp’s not like that anymore; everyone’s got cellphones and email and stays mostly stuck in their at-home selves, because they never really leave them behind. You’re similarly limited. Too many ties are strapping you into who you were. To become who you want to be, you’ve got to find a way to shake them off, if only temporarily. This week is a fantastic time to attempt just that.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Every Aries child’s favorite phrase is a riff on, “Just leave me alone!” The irony is you’re among the most social creatures in the zodiac, and even though you can approach hermit-like solitude when you seek alone-time, you absolutely need people whenever you’re not in one of those brief phases. The problem with people is they often intrude when they’re not welcome, and are absent when you most desperately require them. Luckily, that’s simply not the case this week; when you need your space, you’ll have it. When you’re ready to rejoin the party, it’ll just be hitting its peak.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I babble when I get drunk. Put a few glasses of wine in me and I’m off and running, carried on a wave of enthusiasm that’s–for a little while, at least–virtually unstoppable. Luckily, the people I hang out with are fairly tolerant by this kind of thing. That’s why I enjoy their company. Why are you trying to force your quirky ways on people who just don’t appreciate them? They’re nothing special, and there are many other people who treasure your idiosyncrasies, after all–if this clique doesn’t get it, screw ‘em.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
What’s a dynamic, open-minded explorer like you doing getting stuck in a routine? I’m not talking your schedule, which is probably as wild and semi-unpredictable as it always was. I’m referring to your communication routines; you’re used to getting your ideas across in certain ways, and because you’re pretty articulate, you rarely (or never) use other methods. Well, this is a good week to try some new techniques, because your usual means aren’t working. Draw a picture, do some interpretive dance, stage an intervention. Do whatever it takes to convey what you have in mind, because it’s just that important.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You may have as much anxiety as excitement regarding the long-anticipated events of this week, but I hope you focus consciously on the latter, not the former, because you actually have very little reason to be afraid, and many thrilling possibilities to look forward to. In fact, the more positive and fearless you are in your approach, the more that’ll be rewarded with exactly what you wish for and dream about. Smile, breathe deep, and stride boldly forward into the chaos of all that’s going on this week. It’ll be fun, really–as long as you let it be. Lose the fear. Enjoy the ride.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
To protest new laws that allow concealed handguns in classrooms, University of Texas students plan on carrying large dildos. The absurdity of allowing deadly weapons while restricting sex toys should drive the point home in a joyful and humorous way–the same tone you should strive for in making your own case this week. They’ll be much more effective than earnest, strident arguments. #cocksnotglocks
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Last night I dreamt you had brain surgery–physicians gruesomely sawing through your skull and all. It was pretty horrible, but you were up and at ‘em later that day, climbing the five flights to your apartment without help and grumbling about what a hassle it was. I interpreted it as indication of your current ability to bounce back quickly from things that would lay others out for weeks. You’re so flighty and distractible that people see you as a featherweight, without often noticing your quirky strength and resilience. This week, you’ll have a chance to demonstrate just those qualities.
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