Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week you might feel like you recklessly dove to the deep-end bottom of the pool without taking a properly deep breath first. Short on air, what should have been a casual game—diving for rings with the kids–has become something fraught with desperation and panicked urgency. Relax. Freaking out will only exacerbate things. How can you possibly stay calm, you ask? Because, you’re actually fine. Sure, you’re operating without the comfort zone buffer that you’re used to, but you can still pull off your task anyway. The only way you’ll drown is if you flip out, so keep your cool and get shit done.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
“My God, that’s an ugly baby!” Although most folks wouldn’t dream of saying this to a recent mother’s face, many of them didn’t hesitate to shit all over your labors of love, in the past, the metaphorical babies you created and released into the world. Having something you’re really proud of get torn to bits by assholes has probably made you reluctant to share another of your secret masterpieces. This week, however, would be a good time to reveal that special bit of yourself. It probably won’t be universally lauded or adored–no one could guarantee that–but it will almost certainly be respected, and you can’t realistically hope for much more.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Keep your ears pricked for the “click.” This week you’re likely to experience several examples of that profound, subtle, and almost mystical union with someone else. It could happen in conversation, artistic collaboration, during sex, or all three, or any number of other situations. It’s not that you’re likely to miss it when it happens, but you may not appreciate how special it is, until it’s too late. Don’t do a Before Sunrise; exchange numbers, make plans, and dream. Sure, this could lead to disappointment; the other route, however, definitely will.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Don’t expect to accomplish much or get anywhere this week. In fact, you’re doomed to spend the bulk of your time getting most of the way somewhere, then changing your mind and reversing direction, then repeating the whole process elsewhere. It’s almost impossible for you to be decisive or efficient right now; planetary influences virtually forbid it. If I were you, I’d postpone major responsibilities if I could; meanwhile, I’d enjoy the silliness of your mental dancing.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Everyone’s experienced that moment, hopefully many times, when a previously opaque and incomprehensible subject suddenly clicks into transparent clarity. The light dawns, as they say. This can, occasionally, be accompanied by embarrassment, if, say, this took one much longer than it ought to have. In other words, now that you know how short and simple the journey was, it’s humbling that it took you as long as it did. In case you hadn’t guessed, this week might feature one or two of these ego-crushing incidents. Don’t let it get to you, though (better late than never, right?); spending too much time feeling stupid will just keep you from picking up your next clue, and start the whole damn cycle all over again.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
In confrontations with literal-minded, scientific pragmatists who challenge me to try to justify or prove astrology’s relevance, I say: “No, you’re quite right. It’s all bullshit.” Then I move on. Follow my example, please, Gemini. Too many people this week will invite you to throw yourself at brick walls. Astrological influences might make you perversely inclined to try it, even though you know the outcome ahead of time. Resist them. None of these walls are coming down; your bones will break first. Keep your body and ego unbruised. Politely turn down those goads, and walk away.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Don’t be holistic this week. Yeah, yeah, I know I’m always asking you to remember how interconnected everything is; but at the moment that shit will only overwhelm you. If you consider the entire mountain of tasks you’ve taken on, you’ll just want to go to bed and forget the whole thing. Don’t you dare indulge this impulse, though. Even an extra half a day between the sheets could set you so far back that you’d never recover; realizing that, you’d just spend weeks on end hiding under your pillows. Screw the mountain. It doesn’t matter. Instead, break what you’ve got to do into the smallest possible chunks, and tackle–only even think about tackling–one at a time.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Only Sagittarians despise the thought of being stuck in prison more than you do, Leo. Although their longing for freedom is quite different from yours, the result is the same; neither of you can abide feeling trapped for long. I’m not going to make a case for how great imprisonment is; however, sometimes it’s imposed on you not for the protection of others but for your own safety and well-being. That’s the case this week. Left to your own devices you could really mess shit up at the moment. If someone’s sheltering you (hint: it might feel like smothering), let them. You can shrug off their care next week, when your lack of foresight won’t mess up your whole life.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Most Virgos I know are, at least a little, embarrassed to admit their sign. As if it’s disgraceful to be so efficient, energetic, dependable, and clean! That’s because some lame and unscrupulous folk have gone to great lengths to shame you about your organizational skills or your fastidiousness. But that’s just so they don’t feel too bad about being such flaky slobs. Screw them. They’re pathetic and they know it. You’re not the least bit pathetic, though. Why don’t you know–deep in your bones–that?
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Other people suck, don’t they? At least, that’s what you’re likely to frequently think about them this week. It’s true that some of those you know could be more generous, but fixating on their stingy behavior will only make you bitter. They can’t be nagged or coaxed out of miserliness; simply trying will probably only intensify it. Unfortunately, this isn’t something you’ll be able to easily ignore, though. It’s not your job or duty to compensate for these scrooges by giving more time, energy, or money (you’ve already done your fair share), but you still might want to. It’d be a nice gift, so please consider it; the world could certainly use it.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Be careful. The person who’s trying to show you off is the kind of idiot who walks around with his cat on a leash. Get away, fast. This person has a really distorted view of reality, one that couldn’t possibly benefit you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you about this one. If you persist in associating with the freak in question, you’re basically volunteering to be the cat on the leash. It’s not as bad as being the person who thinks that’s a good idea, but it’s not much better, either. Instead, please scratch their eyes out, run away, or both.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The good news is that the slave drivers who were whipping you into a frenzy these past couple weeks will now tire of goading you on and pushing you past your limits. The bad news is that your efficiency will drop dramatically. Those who’ve come to expect insane quantities of high-quality productivity from you might be disappointed, or even put out. That’s bullshit, though. You deserve a break, a chance for all those lash-marks on your back to heal. If anyone complains, point to the mountain of accomplishment just behind you and tell them when your lazy-ass peers catch up, then they can resume their nagging, but not before.
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