Gemini (May 21-June 20)
My friends and I like to imagine that at least 80 percent of the population is composed of androids. How else to explain the apathy most people exhibit, and sullen maintenance of the status quo? Where’s the drive to achieve, to create, to be vivid, exciting, beautiful, to make a mark on the world? Most people are not only satisfied with being “normal” and average, they actively seek this state. Obviously, they’re factory-created, and their inability to wildly, uncontrollably express their individuality is simply a symptom of having none to speak of. This week, prove you’re not an android, if you can.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Constructing an astrological map to navigate your week is nigh unto impossible. You’re all over the place. Luckily, that’s often just how you like it. How else can you make use of your diverse range of abilities and touch base with your friends and compatriots from all walks of life? Sorry, I can’t tell you whether this week will be full of blessings or shit. Probably it’ll have plenty of both, along with disasters, miracles, opportunities, disappointments, love, failure to love, misery, ecstasy, and so on. In other words, you’ve got a lot going on right now, so you probably don’t have much time to read about it anyway. Go live it instead.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
It may be time for another little traipse around our tiny ball of mud. Leos are one of the fixed signs, so when you get stuck it can be pretty difficult to shake yourself loose. Sometimes a geographic displacement is enough to relieve any spiritual constipation you may have suffered along the way. I don’t mean tourism; visiting monuments and museums won’t do shit for you, not compared to visiting people’s houses, eating their food, talking about their lives, playing with their pets, getting drunk on their roofs, and having the visceral experience of stepping into a life that’s different than your own. Sounds fun, no? Stop thinking it now; go do it instead.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You’d be horrified to discover that someone was in your home right now, sifting through your most personal belongings. At the same time, some small part of you would experience a moment of pride at how ordered, neat, and clean everything was. Take refuge in that feeling, because right now romance of any kind will feel like an unwelcome intruder into your heart, because it disrupts the ordered nature of your inner universe. However, I urge you not to call the cops and have it expelled. It belongs there, despite the mess it’s making.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
In mere moments, a piano will fall on your head out of nowhere, or perhaps a safe. No wait, you’ll be surfing the internet and find all sorts of compromising pictures of yourself, or else your mom will discover them and have a heart attack and die. Luckily, none of these things is even remotely possible, which is why I’m having a chuckle at your expense; you’ve been going around all cringe-y and fearful, as if some really ugly shit was liable to hit the fan any second. Stop worrying; the angst is far worse than the consequences of anything you’re likely to experience this week. In order to get over it quickly, simply imagine the worst-case scenario right now. Accept it. See? It’s not so bad. Now you can actually get on with your life.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Your line of congratulators would be 23 miles long, if people could comprehend just how much you’ve achieved, or why it’s important to you. Unfortunately—and this is a frequent source of your loneliness—almost no one will ever quite get what motivates you, or why. However, that’s no reason to isolate yourself further. The lack of understanding about your weird inner world doesn’t reflect the levels of desire; many people would really, really like to get to know you. Let them, as much as possible, and if you see chances to clue them in to what’s going on in your most secret of hearts, please do so.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Your latest lover knows they can’t keep you. Whenever they imagine the possibility, they’ve got the specter of your museum of past lovers, their faces, hopes, and dreams captured in wax. So instead of taking a long view in which you end up together still, years from now, they start to wonder how you’ll remember them once you’ve moved on. Maybe they’re simply not special enough to get to stay in your life forever and ever. Sucks for them. But if they are, you’d better clue them in, and fast, before they make their mark and split for someone more ultimately have-able.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your arsenal of weapons and coalition of allies is growing sparse. It might be time to assume a slightly lower profile, if your past actions still allow that. Going around screaming, “If you don’t wanna screw me, baby, then screw off!” might not be your best strategy this week. You’re a badass, and we all know it, but that punk attitude currently only makes you inaccessible, not admirable. Instead of being the biggest, heaviest warship around, be a cruise ship; in other words, start advertising ways that people can get on board, not get blasted to bits.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Your comfort zone has grown increasingly narrow in recent years. In part, this is because you’ve become adept at navigating through life and controlling variables. However, as the abyss of fearful unknowables widens on either side of your chosen path, the prospect of change—especially dramatic change that leaves almost nothing salvageable from your old life—becomes increasingly unnerving and unlikely. Sure you can go on trundling along in the same comfortable rut you’ve carved out for yourself, the one that goes in a straight, predictable line from here to your death. But if you have any aspirations of hopping out of it and running wild, this would be a good week to do just that.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Don’t be too hard on yourself for getting mired in these pits of muddy emotion. Remember that these little hollows of energy-sapping muck are much more manageable than the acres of emotional swampland you used to get trapped in. Also, notice that the chief source of your suffering, ironically, isn’t the mild depression or confusion you’re experiencing, it’s the self-recrimination you subject yourself to for not being able to immediately extricate yourself from it. Stop that. Please, when you get your boots get trapped in sucking mud, see how pointless it is to pull a foot free just so you can kick yourself.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
All sorts of deals are being made in backrooms everywhere, on your behalf. Secret handshakes and subtle signals passed between dozens of intermediaries, are determining the kinds of opportunities you’ll be presented in your near future—and they’re damn cool. Only an idiot would pass these little nuggets of good fortune up, just because they don’t fit neatly into what he has planned for himself. Accept what is, not what you wish could or should be—especially when what is—once you give it a chance—is actually better than anything you’d imagined anyway.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Keep rewriting. Unfortunately the novelized version of your life you produced at age 15 no longer applies. The problem is clinging to your identity like it’s some static thing moving through time, when time is the illusion, marked only by the changing of your idea of self. In other words, it’s time for a totally new novel about the way your life is going to go, and don’t even bother referring to old versions as you write this one. You get it, don’t you? This is a process, not a product; by the time you’re finished figuring out four hundred pages of plans for yourself, it’ll be time to close this manuscript and start all over on the next one.
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