Aries (March 21-April 19)
Let’s take it as a given that, at least to some degree, our perception of “reality” creates that reality. For example, in one of my worst living situations, I lived in a total crack neighborhood with half a dozen speed freaks and all their friends. Their unhealthy relationship with “Tina” seemed to severely and negatively affect their “interface with consensus reality.” What the hell am I talking about? I’m just saying that your current use of constant activity to keep from dealing with the harder stuff in your life is more damaging than an addiction to any hard drug. Slow down, my friend, slow down.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Sometimes you can know too much. Once you understand your own innocence or charm, it ceases to be innocent or charming to everyone else. Escargot, caviar and honey are more delicious in ignorance than when you consider what they really are. And if you truly think about all the shit that’s going down in the world today, anger, frustration and sadness can be incapacitating. Cease your current attempts to understand or explain your creative process! While I would agree that in most situations, knowledge is power, in this case: the less you know, the better. Don’t scare the Muse, she doesn’t like it.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You can sell anything right now. If you can get a person to listen to you for five minutes, you can unload on them, for profit, any number of things you no longer need. Go ahead and try it; you could use the cash, and in my book the gullible are fair game–to some extent. Don’t abuse this power. Make sure that whatever you’re ditching might have some chance of being useful to whoever you’re forcing to pay for it. You have the ability to make each of these transactions a win-win. Don’t settle for anything but.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You’ve come to a fork in the Yellow Brick Road, my sweet friend. I’m not concerned with which direction you’ll take, just who you’ll become to get there. Will you choose to have the sensitive heart of the woodman, the innocence of the girl, the courage of the lion, or the brains of the scarecrow? Or will you continue in your present mode, embodying the misunderstood wickedness of the witch who stands in the way of all the less miserable parts of you? Okay, yeah, I know your life is way more complicated than a fairy tale, but sometimes looking at your choices in that way can be useful. Try it now.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
“The restroom is for customers only,” sniffed the bookstore tyrant. Having bought tea and given their stock a fair perusal, I said, “Yes, may I use it?” “Are you going to buy something?” he inquired, busily dusting the shelves. I restrained a Leo roar and said delicately: “Where’s the key, please?” He sighed and handed me the key, attached to a wooden letter-M. I put it on the edge of the sink. It promptly tumbled into the basin, with the long chain holding the key spilling into the drain. Pulling on the links, it came up easily–sans key. I wasn’t really embarrassed to hand the keyless “M” back to the bitter despot. I just wish I had done it on purpose. This week, don’t resist the urge to push people’s buttons and cause trouble. It’ll happen anyway–you might as well enjoy yourself.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You’re a talker. Maybe not on the level of those Geminis or Aquarians, but you know how to use your words. What you’re not quite as good at is communicating without them. Reading others’ body language or being aware of what you’re conveying with yours is an important skill to have. Before you open your mouth this week, see what’s already being said, nonverbally, by you and those you’re with. Make sure your handshake and hug come across as warm and personable as you hope they are, and make sure that what you say hasn’t already been said another way.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
The endless repetition of this week may have you feeling like a goldfish in a bowl–stared at, fed the same crap every day, and the same boring scenery along the way. Before you let ennui really take hold, you should know: This is the kind of week you’ll long for in the weeks to come. Soon, your little world may crack, spilling you in a giant wave out to the next big pond. You’ll have to say goodbye forever to the relatively tiny, safe world you’ve occupied for years. This vision of your future might excite or terrify you. Until it happens, though, try to be surprised by the little plastic castle the next few times it comes around. You’ll miss it when it’s gone.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You might be horrified to discover that the captivating person who’s recently taken an interest in you is probably attracted to what you consider your worst feature. Yup, that crooked nose, unruly hair, your penchant for altered mind states (to put it tactfully), your introversion. These are all potentially compelling to those prepared to see them holistically. The due date for self-acceptance is coming up, and Cutie’s there to help you feel proud of your least favorite part. You’ve already acknowledged the double-edged sword of your “good” qualities, like your intelligence, or beauty. Now realize that even your faults have virtue.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Watch out for bigots, because for some reason they’ll be magnetized towards you this week. Not only that, but they’ll be compelled to loudly proclaim their offensive and backwards viewpoints in your presence, in such a way that you’ll be obliged to refute or counter them, lest onlookers lump you in with such idiocy. Of course, that’s exactly what these assholes want. Don’t engage with them, if at all possible. Just shake your head and walk away. If you find you’ve got to open your mouth before you leave them to their stupidity, try to keep from getting emotionally involved–stay cool and stick to the facts, which as we both know, speak for themselves.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Capricorns make good bosses, but you can also be immensely valuable employees. This week, regardless of which role you play, take advantage of the harmonious interchanges you’re capable of right now. That means that if you’ve got some tricky questions or requests that you’ve been putting off, now’s the time to make them, since it’ll be easy-peasy, no sweat. Get that raise, or convince one of your co-workers to finally start pulling their own weight. One more minor incentive, in case you’re still daunted from getting real with those you work with: if you really go there, you might even get laid, as a bonus.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Be hedonistic. The array of new experiences available to you is unfolding wildly in all directions. You’ve suddenly got access to flavors you never even knew existed before. Don’t stick to your old favorites out of timidity. They’ll always be there. Try the new shit, the pistachio chocolate hot pepper or the ginger pumpkin pie ice creams, rather than plain old vanilla. It’s not often that such a buffet of life’s richness is laid out before you. To snub it for the comfort of your armchair and bag of chips would be rude, idiotic and ultimately lame.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Who says artists can’t get rich? Prove any idiot who claims that wrong. Okay, you might not achieve Trump-level wealth with your creative ventures, but you have a chance to make a few bucks now by doing what you love. I can’t imagine a single good reason why you’d abstain. Dreaming is all very well and good, but don’t let this opportunity slip through your fingers because you’re stuck in a fantasy. Get busy. You’ll always have a chance to dream, but the moment when you can earn some dough from it is right now. Seize it.
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