Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Virgos like things clean, especially things that are (unfortunately) prone to be messy, like relationships. Many a Virgo has killed her intimate connections with a compulsive need to clean up messes whenever they reveal themselves, no matter how hard this is or how long it takes. This works fine when you’re hooked up with another Virgo, but rarely do other signs have the stamina for near-rabid emotional tidiness. Most folks let muddles lie unresolved until they have time to deal. They don’t have their shit together like you do. You want to live in their lives, you have to live with their messes. It’s as simple as that. Your choice.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Geminis and Pisces–the two signs that share your dualistic nature–are plagued by wishy-washy indecision. Not so, Libras. Most of the time you are quick to make choices. But then you do frustrating (to others) reversals and about-faces that leave everyone reeling. While you certainly have the right to change your mind, please be aware of the impact doing so will have on others. Perhaps take a Piscean length of time to come to a tricky decision in the first place, so when you finally make a choice, it’s one you can stick to.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Most of what your least-favorite people do is quite embarrassing; they’re just too oblivious, sheltered, or stupid to realize it. Don’t validate their ridiculous opinions and actions by directly countering them. Just give them a mirror, or, better yet, put a spotlight on them. Some unbiased attention can help modify someone’s bad behavior better than your scolding or protest ever could. Let them show off in front of a bunch of people. They’ll soon get the picture. They say that laughter’s the best medicine. In the case of this particular disease, I’d say it’s the closest we’ll come to a cure.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Your communiqué is moldering in a dead letter office somewhere. Not literally. Technically the person you sent it to received your email or whatever. But they didn’t actually get it. They weren’t ready to hear what you had to say, so they filed it away, address not found, and forgot about it. Try again. Their lack of response is thoughtless but not malicious; they simply haven’t been thinking about it because it’s never hit home. Say what you mean in a different way. I have a feeling that this time, you’ll get a response. Might not be one you like, but it’s something, and isn’t that what you’ve been saying? “Anything is better than nothing.” Enjoy.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Be irrational. Your monkey mind’s feverish grip on the steering wheel is a borderline personality disorder. Even during those brief moments when a heartfelt emotion or bodily urge takes the wheel, that jabbering thoughtmonger plays backseat driver, pointing out everything you’re doing incorrectly. Too bad he knows nothing and excels only at screwing shit up. This week, gag him and lock him in the trunk. Pour gasoline all over him so he’s good and scared. Let your monkey mind know he’s only part of the forces that drive you. Your heart and gut are in charge now. Your ridiculous hyperactive brain sucks at love and self-direction, but is good at one thing (other than worry) which he should be allowed to do, as much as possible: play.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink, right? Your best efforts to guide those you love to the stuff (or other people) they need sometimes just fall flat. Your efforts are appreciated, of course, but sometimes people just have to discover these paths (or people) for themselves, and holding their hands to get them there will only make them dig in their heels or choose something else entirely. Be satisfied with giving them a hint, a juicy bit of info, or a gentle nudge in the right direction, and then let it go. They’ll either follow your lead or they won’t–but pushing them harder will only make it less likely.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Intimacy ebbs and flows. You know this rationally, but sometimes it’s hard to accept it, anyway. Maintaining fiercely hot emotional temperatures takes energy that people sometimes lack. Luckily, closeness also begets knowledge of the other person, and trust. This week, experiencing tons of sweet togetherness is easy. It’s coping with its diminishment that’s the challenge. Things won’t always be this hot. Accept that. If you let them, they’ll flare back up many times. Resist the urge to sabotage things because they’ve cooled down; it’s not the end of your relationship (unless you make it so), just another revolution of its natural cycle.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
People are perplexed by your (extreme) adaptability. One minute you’re up on a soapbox making a stink about something you don’t like, the next you’ve acclimatized and just rolled with it. This can look like shallow insincerity to those who don’t know you–to their eyes you just don’t mean what you say. What’s actually happening: you recognize immovability. Once it becomes obvious you don’t have the power to change something, you adapt to it and move on. Set them straight before they get the wrong idea about you; this, at least, is one thing you can change.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I garden by instinct. I plant things and see what grows, and try to guess what it needs along the way. Consequently, many of the things I plant never sprout, or die almost immediately, because I don’t know what I’m doing yet. I’ve given them the wrong kind of soil to grow in, or the incorrect amounts of sunlight or water. I haven’t had a ton of practice at this, just like you haven’t had vast amounts of experience at having a successful relationship. So it’s trial and error. Luckily, you’ve found someone who’ll mostly be patient on your road to intimacy. So experiment and don’t beat yourself up too hard for your mistakes. You’ll figure it out.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
What adorably furry critter are you going to pull out of your magical top hat this time, Gemini? You can’t keep sidetracking us with these tricks. I predict by the time you hit duck-billed platypus we’ll be on to you and start watching the other hand, the one that’s not waving around wildly trying to catch our attention, and then we’ll see what you’re really up to. So the misdirection is over. We’ll get to see you all naked and vulnerable and human. Guess what? We won’t laugh. Most likely we’ll get turned on. Not so bad. So no more tricks. Ditch the top hat, already.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Scorpios get all the credit because of their drama: they deliver venom in one fatal-feeling sting, when least expected. But Cancers are poisonous, too, only more subtle, as your toxicity is administered in miniscule doses over time. Here’s the trick: most Cancers aren’t aware of this venomous capacity, so they wield it desultorily. Usually those closest to you get the worst of it for the most minor infractions, while villains who make cameos hardly suffer for their wickedness. You have control, so use it: keep tabs on whether the dose you’re dispensing is too high–or too low.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Your ambition will ruin you, if you don’t rein it in. Your vision, at the moment, is so skewed that you may look at the big picture, decide that all the problems it contains are inconsequential, and simply tackle the whole thing at once. Big mistake. One that’ll probably lay you out for weeks, feeling pathetic and depressed. The reality: you can handle everything life is throwing at you–just not all at once. Be economical and don’t overreach. Budget your massive strength, and take on one conundrum at a time. Don’t be a (failed) superhero. Being a human with your shit together is quite enough.
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