Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You know better, but sometimes you go ahead and make bad choices anyway. Why? Because they’re fun. You know sleeping with that person is a bad move, ultimately—but it doesn’t mean it won’t be a blast. If you’re living in the moment, anyway, doesn’t the richness of the present outweigh the consequences of the future? That’s not always completely the case—but right now it is. Go for it. Make choices based on how much fun you’ll have right away. You can deal with the fallout later. Yes, there will be fallout later, so don’t delude yourself otherwise. But if you can tackle it with the same carefree attitude you’re displaying this week, it won’t be all that bad.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
There’s always going to be at least one asshole who disapproves of you, not only on a personal basis, but drawing (absurdly selectively) from some source of authority to prove his point—that not only is what you are doing personally distasteful to him, it’s just flat-out wrong. Screw that asshole. Literally screw him if necessary, with righteous glee. Pointing out how the Bible (or whatever) doesn’t actually prove his point is futile; demonstrating the error of his ridiculous and judgmental ways by showing off how fun yours are, by contrast, is totally the way to go.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You have two choices. You could stay perfectly safe in your iron suit for the time being. But that means abstaining from diving into the deep, scary, and dangerous waters ahead. What will it be, Cancer? Taking the exciting (if unwise) course and leaving behind your best defenses in order to explore new worlds? Or residing in the comfort and safety of territory you’ve already learnt inside and out, and leaving the exotic and wild terrain to bolder souls? I’m sure you’ve already made up your mind, but just in case you were opting for the tediously tame option, consider this: In less than three months, a vicious storm (that you wouldn’t even feel beneath the waves, incidentally) is likely to come roaring off the sea, rendering your iron armor into an immovable block of rust.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Give me more of everything, please. That’ll be your polite request all week, as you ask the universe to turn up the volume on every instrument you’re hearing or playing. If you were a musician you might ask for more bass, more guitar, more drums, more vocals; in your life you could be demanding more love, more sex, more work, more pay, more respect, more comfort, more adventure. The best part is, you’re totally in with the sound guy at the mixing board. He’s going to deliver whatever you want, in stereo sound, volume ten.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You missed a boat over the winter and you’ve been wandering the water’s edge ever since, kicking yourself and wondering if you’ll get another chance to see what’s on the other side. Here it is, lovely. Now you’ll have a second opportunity to board that cruise liner for parts unknown. Don’t miss it again! I don’t care if your bags are packed, if the dog needs to be walked and fed, or if your job hangs in the balance. These things can be taken care of after the fact. Be on that floating vessel to your future by the end of the week or give up on that dream for good.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
A fist to the face could stop you in your tracks, especially if it catches you by surprise. Thus I’m yelling out this warning, in plenty of time for you to benefit: “Duck!” Especially because this right hook is intended for the guy behind you, I’d prefer you avoided the astrological knock-out. Just dodging this blow doesn’t mean you get to stay out of the fight altogether, though. In fact, the main reason I’m helping you avoid an instant TKO is so you can do proper battle in the coming weeks. We need your help to fight the good fight; we’re facing steep odds as it is; without you, we don’t stand a chance.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You take an awful lot for granted. Maybe you can afford to. Perhaps your innate intensity affords you a certain level of arrogance and assumption. You’re always sure that people will be attracted to you and save a spot in line for you and take care of when you’re sick. Not that you don’t deserve it—but these people you’re unconsciously counting on deserve some occasional recognition as well. Make sure you give it to them this week, because anyone you’re walking all over like carpet will yank themselves out from under you so fast you’ll be on your ass before you get a chance to assume anything.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Some people like to let the screen door slam shut like a shot behind them and hit the ground running. Others creep from their front steps cautiously, after sending forth house pets as scouts, and scouring weather reports. You’re capable of either, depending on your mood or circumstance. Choosing which this week may have more import than you’d suspect. Whether you have a fantastically fortuitous time this week or a terribly tedious one could all come down to which bus you catch. Timing is everything. Trust your gut when it says take your time to check the schedule, but also heed it when it says haul ass.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week you’re crammed between a barking dog on fire and a hard place, dripping with acid. At least, it might seem that way at first. As long as you don’t panic and get yourself burnt and bitten by the dog or etched and slammed by the barrier behind you, you’ll find that these compressive forces will transmute into better, luckier ones—a loyal hound with passion in his heart just ahead of you and a ladder to better places right behind you. So just hang tight when things look grim; they’ll lighten up as soon as you do.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Have jeweled intentions. Make sure your desires are of the most sparkling and delightful variety. I don’t want to give you advice that limits your humanity, but since your basest, most lame impulses are endowed with extra compulsive force this week, I want to make sure you’re at your best anyway. Curb the worst of yourself for now, the most knee-jerk and reactionary urges within you. Think things through. Consider: what would Gandhi, Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, Starhawk, or your greatest hero do? Then do that, instead of the first thing that came to mind on your own.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
May 1st is the modern date of an ancient ritual that’s existed, in one form or another, all the way back into human prehistory: Beltane, or the Rites of Spring. Radical Faeries, Pagans and Wiccans worldwide dance, screw, and wield chaos magick around Maypoles, and perform their own versions of a celebration of sorts. That’s powerful. Tap into that, or if that’s not your cup of mojo, sink a root deep into something old that people have been up to for ages. You’ll not only learn something about yourself you never knew (good or bad) you’ll gain at least two of the following: a new friend, stimulating competition, an unprecedented magic power, or the first seed of your next big chapter.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
It’s a good week to count on a long-standing alliance with a dear old friend. Sorry for the boring horoscope, but sometimes just knowing you’re going to have a blast with your best oldest bud can be just as useful as knowing you’re going to get laid or fall in a hole and break your knees. So don’t sweat risking it all or wading into waters over your head just to find a good time. You don’t need to wander far from the fold for your fun this week; just call one of the numbers you know by heart.
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