Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Just because you get your kicks from pornographic playing cards, pranks, and dirty jokes doesn’t mean you’re immature. You’ve simply never forgotten how to play. Sadly, there are a few assholes prepared to sorely underestimate you, because they don’t get it. Usually, you’d just say, “Screw ‘em,” and leaves these clenched and joyless folk to their own devices; it’s plain that being themselves is punishment enough. But since they have something you want, it’s important that you edit their opinions of you. You could act serious and businesslike until you impress them, but I’d prefer you adopted the opposite strategy, and taught them how to play, instead–against their wills if necessary (it’s for their own good, and yours).
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Your timing’s been off, lately. It’s more annoying than truly damaging, but I can imagine your frustration when you miss a train, phone call, or green light by mere seconds, over and over again. That irritation has had a cumulative effect, and hampered your enjoyment of much of the rest of your time–so much so that a few people have started to grumble about your recent frequent grouchiness. Luckily, the time glitch is repairing itself, and things should flow a little more smoothly this week–hopefully you’ll notice, and cheer up, before you acquire a reputation for bitchiness that you don’t want, and really don’t deserve.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You can’t plan a friendship the way you can a business deal. It’s far more subtle than that. Most people don’t form emotional bonds based purely on a point-by-point list of mutual benefits. The trouble is, you too often want things in the murky world of emotions to be as clean-cut and quick as negotiating and signing a contract, done deal. Luckily, it’s more complex and time-consuming than that; the last thing you need is another contract. You’ve got a drawerful already. Take the time this week to delicately begin to cultivate the new relationships you need and want; remember, it’s an art, not a science.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Whoever you’re waiting for won’t show. This could have something to do with the fact that you forgot to email them the address, and your phone’s out of batteries. Why would you unwittingly set them up to let you down? I suspect this wasn’t even a subconscious decision–you prepared this elaborate disappointment almost consciously, because it’s safer than daring to hope. Perhaps because it’s familiar. I understand your belief that everything ends in tragedy. You’re probably right. But your strategy of just cutting straight to inevitable disillusionment leaves out one important facet of the experience: all the fun you can have before the whole thing comes crashing down.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
The breatharian guru, Jasmuheen, when asked to demonstrate, under scientific observation, her claims that humans can survive on air and light alone, without food or water, collapsed on the fourth day, due to dehydration. If she’d continued, she would surely have died. I can understand why she advocates such preposterous claims: she makes a ton of money off them. But I don’t get why you think you can live without basic emotional necessities–you stand to gain nothing by such deprivations, except, perhaps, a nervous breakdown and some time off work. Revise your estimation of your fortitude, based on common wisdom, and start letting yourself eat and drink again.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Read a book backwards. You probably won’t make it more than a chapter or two, but so what? It’ll drive my point home: Skipping right to the end–in literature or life–is often possible, but absolutely boring. Trying to reverse-engineer a relationship almost never works. There’s not much point struggling through a novel from back to front–why would there be more enthusiasm for a human interaction in the same style? Start at the beginning, please. It’s more uncertain, sure, but also more fun. All that’s irrelevant, anyway, because: it’s the only way that works.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your sarcasm has teeth; this becomes obvious whenever it rears around to bite you in the ass, especially during one of those rare occasions when you try to impress someone who’s less cynical than you. Your cutting humor misses them entirely, and they’ll respond by earnestly avowing adoration for whatever you’ve just made fun of. That’s your chance. You can either reveal your jaded bitterness and probably alienate your companion by making him or her feel stupid, or you can reclaim a bit of lost innocence, and figure out what you actually liked about the musical Cats. It’s your choice; one path takes you further down the seen-it, done-it road, the other leads you to more dorkiness, yes, but also more wonder (and less loneliness).
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
When I was a kid, I liked creative toys. I was happier with a pack of markers and some blank paper, a chest full of LEGO bricks, a few handfuls of Tinker Toys, or even an empty box, than I ever was with action figures or toy cars. I liked the freedom the former playthings gave me, and quickly grew bored with the limitations of toys whose purposes and identities had already been decided for me. Consider this childlike perspective when contemplating this week’s options. If they were toys, there’d be one you could play with right out of the box, but (if you’re honest with yourself) you’d probably get bored with soon. The other requires a lot more time and investment, but since its potential is limited only by your imagination, you’d probably enjoy playing with it for a much longer time–maybe even the rest of your life.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Can’t you leave well enough alone? You get a scratch and it’s barely stopped hurting before you’re already picking at it, messing with each new scab as it’s formed, invasively inspecting your new hurt constantly, until your flesh has no choice left but to form a permanent scar, whereas if you’d just given it a chance to heal, it would have disappeared in a few weeks without a blemish. Stop picking! This applies to emotional wounds as well as physical ones. Cover them with a bandage, or distract yourself, please. Let them heal. They actually will.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Freedom is a tricky concept for Leos. While you’re often considered the most brazen and confident folk around, we both know you never actually stop caring, completely, what people think about you, and reflect back at you. This is, sadly, the curse of being Sun-ruled. You need to see your radiance bounced back, and thus you’re usually at least partially governed by the opinions of friends or strangers. However, this week astrological conditions have cut you off from the benefit and curse of that dynamic–you’re truly free, for just a brief blip. Take advantage of it, and figure out what you really, really want. Then, once old habits set back in, make it your quest to pursue that true desire anyway.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Take out the trash, already. It’s stinking up the whole house, and attracting bugs, despite the chill of autumn. It’s like you’re protesting a lazy roommate, but as you’re the only one who seems to notice all the problems your neglect is causing, it’s more a self-punishment. Because the trash I’m referring to is metaphorical, anyway, and therefore inside you–it can’t really bother anyone but you. Therefore, deal with it. And address those you believe should take some interest in your emotional well-being the way one ought to deal with an indolent roomie: by directly and clearly asking for what you want.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Compensating sucks. Aren’t you sick of “making the best of” things? You’ve been doing that too often lately, trying to stay on the bright side of frequently less-than-ideal circumstances. Luckily, this week, you’re in for a handful of situations that play out exactly as you might’ve wished, if you were still in the habit of hoping for the best, instead of dealing with the worst. The danger is you’re so busy cringing from your imagined worst-case scenarios that you might not notice these best-case ones. Open your eyes–you’re in luck, for once. Go enjoy it.
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