Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The plethora of powerful allies and supporters surrounding you at the moment may seem essentially inconsequential. You could have trouble noticing or appreciating them this week because you feel so weak, soft, and gooey inside. What use are steel girders for propping up marshmallows? How you feel and how you are, thankfully, are two different things. Your stretchy malleability is more resilient than you imagine; more like spider-silk than spun-sugar. So you’re still not in a position to construct a skyscraper; however, bridges, amusement park rides, and soft landing pads are all possible. Opt for one or more of those.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Thank you for your blood, your warm delicious red blood. That’s the song of praise the mosquitoes are singing right now, along with all the other parasites that have latched onto your delectable flesh. Personally, I slap the little assholes dead; my karmic obligation to other beings ends when they attack; at that point, it’s just plain self-defense. That’s why I can’t help questioning your passive acceptance of their vampirism. Sure, you’ve got plenty of blood, and you could put up with a little itching—but why should you? Don’t sit back and watch the leeches drain you dry. You’ve got a right to stick up for yourself, and this week, you should.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Sometimes you feel exactly like you’re playing the part of yourself in a movie, and watching the movie at the same time. This feeling of disconnection and disembodiment has been growing more frequent, sadly—but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s simply a sign that you’re not doing the things that really bring you back to yourself, that make your skin fit you perfectly. Now that you’ve noticed, you can deliberately restyle your life to include more of the things that make you feel like you.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
When you’re a child, people who love you keep close track of your progress. They mark your growth on a wall, they post your report cards on the refrigerator, and share your artwork with their friends. You may think you’ve outgrown that sort of stuff, but what you actually secretly need is a little outside validation for all the good shit you’ve been up to. The funny irony is that there are several people who’ve been longing to give you a pat on the back, or even an award of some kind—except they’re convinced you’d find it too cheesy. Cheesy it may be, but you deserve recognition right now, so let them know it’d be okay to give it to you.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Whenever you become aware of it, you’re awed by the gestures of generosity and indulgence extended to you by others. At that point, you may respond in a knee-jerk fashion, and repudiate them, so you can cease feeling so unworthy. Resist that, as it’s an insultingly simple “solution” that only reinforces those crappy feelings. Instead, make yourself feel deserving of all the gifts you receive. This could be as simple as raising your karmic levels through good deeds, or merely saying “thank you.” Whatever works. Turning away offerings isn’t the solution; the answer is getting yourself to a place where you can graciously and guiltlessly accept them.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Suddenly your life has started to resemble a tale by Lemony Snicket, or Edward Gorey, or the Tigerlillies; black humor is everywhere—and that’s just how you like it. Life is full of misery and bad fortune, as you Scorpios know all too well, and ultimately the only sane response is to find the humor in it. Don’t let anyone sell you their optimistic surrealism; it won’t work for you. Shit happens; you know it. If you can’t quite remember how to laugh at it, take in a dark fairy tale or two this week.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The oak tree’s tenacious roots wormed their way into the basement of the family home; they then slowly fattened to the point where they cracked the very foundation of the building. Something similar has been insinuating itself into your awareness, and could possibly be on the verge of permanently damaging some of the philosophies that support your life. When searching for solutions to this dilemma, however, I would stop short of moving your abode or chopping down the tree. Perhaps you could simply reinforce the foundations so they’re root-resistant, or remodel your house so it makes use of the oak tree’s strength to support it. This could be a blessing in disguise; assume it is until proven otherwise.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You’re the Tin Man badly in need of lubricant this week. You’re not used to being so stiff and rusted stuck, and ultimately helpless, so you don’t know that people need to be asked for aid before they’ll help you. They’re not psychic enough to know that you need them—especially because your famed independence makes that so rarely the case. Since there’s no way you can extricate yourself from the situation you’re in without some help, start requesting it. It might come out, at first, as incomprehensible as the Tin Man’s pleas for “Oooooiiiiilllllllllll,” but eventually someone’ll get it, and you’ll finally be freed from your immobility and able to continue on your way.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Aquarians are almost never especially shy, which is why this little flood of bashfulness is surprising. What’s happened to you, that you’ve become so blushy and retiring? Perhaps it might help to tell you that half of your beauty, charm, and magnetism is generated by your self-assurance. In other words, you’re as sexy and appealing as you believe yourself to be. I’ve seen how effective that poise can be; you draw people to you effortlessly when you’re on top of your game. Stop doubting yourself. You’ve still got it; all you’ve got to do is use it.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
So your external reality is far less than ideal. What else is new? You have compelling reasons to conform to and accommodate it, especially because it’s only a temporary situation. Luckily, you’re an amalgamation of all the other signs. Channel the drive of a Leo. You can also dip into your internal Capricorn for a bit of grit, responsibility, and stubborn determination to make it through, and take a cue from your inner Aries to try and play with it and make it fun, against all odds. In other words, you’ve got tremendous resources at your disposal; use them.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your tool box is missing a few very essential items. Maybe someone borrowed them and forgot to return them, leaving a bunch of eminently useful but less versatile implements at your disposal, like a dildo, a level, and a voltage-tester. I don’t mean to be too obtuse with my metaphors; after all, how can someone take away your skills? They can’t. However, they can abscond with your confidence, or revoke some unspoken permission to make use of those skills. If that’s the case, get that shit back, and fast, because you’ll be needing that stuff soon, and you’ll be mighty sad if you don’t have it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Undermine your opponents from within, by supporting them. When a hate-filled Fundamentalist came to speak at their college, some friends of mine dressed conservatively and came to facilitate the function. At the door, they cheerfully greeted people and handed out programs that appeared to advertise and praise the visiting orator; upon closer inspection. They were actually shamelessly offensive celebrations of his most repugnant words and acts. An earnest protest would be mostly ineffective and pointless this week; therefore be more creative. If you can’t beat them, join them. Your audacious, over-the-top advocacy would more effectively scare off your adversary’s potential allies than your opposition ever could.
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