Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’re like a lawyer with illegally-obtained evidence. You know the guy you’re after is guilty as hell but since you’re not supposed to know, you can’t nail him like he deserves. This is what happens when you don’t act entirely on the up-and-up. If you’ve already buried the bad evidence and done your best to forget about it, then ignore the following advice. If, however, you are forging ahead based on suspicions and distrust, please cease and desist immediately. Down that road only lies more misery, heartbreak, and pain—and almost no satisfaction. Either forgive and forget or just walk away.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
When you get asked to slow dance (or something like it) this week, say yes, whether it’s a mysterious stranger or a newly-attractive old friend. There’s a spark of interest where there wasn’t one before, for reasons both of you find unfathomable, but whether that glimmer will develop into a full-blown romance is anybody’s guess. Let this thing be what it is; this ember could develop into quite a merry little campfire, with much fun had by all—but too much or too little air and it’ll just go right out.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Tip your hat to the audience. Better yet, pass it around. Random strangers are ready to reward you with cold hard cash, as well as their usual adoring attention. I urge you, however: don’t slack off just because you’ve got a hit act. Instead, take this opportunity to really tighten up your performance. In other words, when your fans are ready to give you a standing ovation for farting in the right direction, you might as well use the opportunity to take some real risks and end up doing better for yourself (and all those who depend on, adore, and support you) than you have in ages.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Safety is a sickness your tribe needs the cure for. Not all of you, fortunately, but too many of you have succumbed to its unhealthy allure. If you’re cautious, reasonable, and safe all the time, you end up being a boring person leading a boring life. You shouldn’t need to be drunk to let loose and take risks. This is not a recommendation to become reckless and put yourself in crazy danger all the time. But putting yourself in some slight danger is highly recommended. After all, what the hell is the point of a life without adventure?
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
At your best you’re so good for people you’re like deliciously irresistible chocolate cake that helps them lose weight, or a mirror that makes them feel good about themselves. Everyone benefits. Sadly, when you’re at your worst, you’re pretty much the only one who suffers, usually from some form of self-destructive behavior or another. I mention this because you may feel the temptation to wallow this week, but I urge you to resist it—if not for your sake, for the sakes of all the sweethearts who benefit when you’re shining like a sun, not collapsing inward like a black hole.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Your magic number this week is 69; you’ve got both ends occupied. If only you could get your giant heart into the action your head and loins are engaged in, you’d be all set. That’s harder than it sounds, however, especially when you’re so distracted by, ahem, other activity. However, I do believe it’s possible (and important) to find ways to express how you’re feeling, even with your mouth full. For instance, you could free up a hand and use sign language, or grab a pen and write your vivid desires on the nearest available surface (even if it’s your lover’s skin). I trust you’ll find a way.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
In the darkness of their bedrooms, people are thinking of you. Whether they’re masturbating to your beauty or plotting your downfall is almost irrelevant; the fact that you’re a powerful thought-magnet these days is what’s important. What have you done to deserve all this half-unconscious attention? You’ve been more amazing, inspiring, or daunting than you can guess. What should you do with all this rented brain space in other people’s heads? Justify it. Use it to inspire you to new heights; give your private admirers (or despisers) the over-the-top jack-off fantasy they always wanted.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You’re going to bleed this week, and I’m not talking about menstruation, or a paper cut, or anything literal. The wounds you suffer may be painful, nevertheless, despite their invisibility, and the life force that leaches away may feel just like major blood loss. This isn’t a good thing, but don’t dread it. You’re more than capable of surviving a little emotional bloodletting. Besides which, the silver lining more than makes up for a couple days of semi-misery: it’ll remind you to tend wounds you’ve never taken care of enough to properly heal, which is what precipitated this week’s mild crisis in the first place.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The winds are blowing the screen door of your soul’s home around on its hinges. That first line of defense is getting slapped around and shaking your house with every forceful bang. This is a not-so-subtle sign that all is not well in Sagittarius-land. This wind could just be blowing the clouds clear so tomorrow’s one of those gorgeous sunny days you’ve been missing. But it could also be the precursor to a house-torqueing twister. You might want to batten down the hatches and head for the cellar with your nearest and dearest, just to be safe. If it turns out to be nothing more than a stiff breeze you can emerge into daylight tomorrow and laugh, but if your emotional living room is pierced by a tree trunk when you come upstairs, you’ll be glad you were underground.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
A possible warning sign that your intimacy poles are reversed is when your coworkers buy you underwear and your bed partner buys you a gift certificate for underwear. Capricorns are so private by nature that oftentimes near-total strangers can find out more about you by accident than your closest companion can when trying their best. It’s almost like your attitude is: “The more you want to know, the less I’ll tell you.” Walls go up when sweethearts start prying, so that a casual question about your evening from someone on the bus gets a more honest answer than the same query from your lover. Flip those poles back the way they ought to go. If you must have walls, make sure those you love are on the right side of them.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Your brakes are slammed to the baseboard this week. Slow the hell down! By forcing yourself to go fast now despite all the resistance from your own emotional wheels, you’ll not only exhaust yourself, you’ll also wear down those metaphorical brake pads, and the next time you want to slow down or stop and turn around, you simply won’t be able to, or you’ll have to crash into someone, just to decelerate. Don’t freak when you get behind the place where you hoped you’d be by now. It’s a long, long race. You’ll have ample opportunity to make up for lost time, later, when it makes more sense.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Everyone you know is privy to some inside joke that you’re on the outside of. At least, that’s what it feels like. However, I urge you to take a closer look around. No one is actually snickering behind his hand or smirking and winking across the room when you’re not looking. You may be just ever-so-slightly paranoid this week, thanks to some tricky astrological influences. Push through without flipping out by giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, and your ego the slightly rough rubdown it needs (by assuring it that whatever “it” is, it’s not all about you). Also, trust that if there is a joke you’re not getting, it’s not all that funny.
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