Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Those who live in candy houses shouldn’t tease fat people. From my vantage point you’re perched in a gingerbread tower snidely throwing hard candies at a horde of insatiable gluttons. Are you crazy? Chumming the waters just before you jump in is probably not the best idea, and since these sharks have the power to drag you in against your will, it’s an especially bad call. Quit before it’s too late, Pisces. It’s still possible to preserve the rock candy heart of your edible abode, even if the chocolaty outer walls get devoured. Use that marvelous tact you’re so renowned for and quit antagonizing the specific people who have the most potential and desire to take you down.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
If you were a cow, you’d have four stomachs—and each one would be packed with partially digested vegetation. You couldn’t possibly eat another bite of even something as innocuous as a mouthful of grass. Don’t put anything else on your plate, or common sense-forbid, your mouth, this week. Why risk screwing up everything just to accomplish one more measly task? Relax. Just sit back, chew your cud and digest what you’ve already taken on. If you dare thwart my helpful advice you won’t just make yourself sick; you’ll explode. Really.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Although many traditional wineries still stopper their bottles with actual cork, many employ more modern plastic plugs. Taureans, as steadfast sensualists, tend to prefer the old-fashioned, classier corks. Winemaking should be an art, not a science—with mishaps and surprises and imperfections. A similar, much less intoxicating but much more relevant debate is happening in your life. Stick to your guns, for all our sakes. Most people would prefer the love-infused imperfection you’d advocate over the cold (if scientifically accurate) version you’re up against.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Unless interstellar travel becomes convenient in a way that contradicts current laws of physics, the only meaningful or profitable trade between interplanetary cultures would be an exchange of ideas. Ideas and information are already as valuable as concrete goods in many situations—and will someday make traditional coinage obsolete. I mention all this because a prophetic example of this very situation is likely to play out in your near future. No one wants to buy your stuff—it’s what’s in your head and heart that has high market value. Therefore, since your thoughts are your best currency, be careful how you spend them.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Lakes of fire wouldn’t prevent you from rescuing someone you loved. I believe that; unfortunately you might have to actually prove it this week, as grueling tests of your constancy may lie ahead. Just remember, Cancer: Sometimes people screw up. Sometimes bad shit looks worse than it is. You believe that some of these criminals—karmic or real-life—only need love. I agree; somebody ought to love them—and that somebody is you. Ready your ice kayak and your burn cream. The flaming reservoir awaits.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Imagine you fell in love with someone who was nearly eight feet tall. You’d intimately share the trials your 7’7” lover had to endure living in a world made for shorter people. You’d empathetically stoop when walking through doorways, cringe while cramming into cars, and stoically ignore people’s insensitive stares and rude comments. I can’t imagine you shrinking from such a challenge. When faced with a similar (if perhaps less obvious) trial, exercise your world-famous loyalty. I’ve bet all that your steadfastness will prove superior to whatever tests it must endure. Prove me right, please.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Toss your keys into the bucket as you enter the swinger’s party. At the end, each wife will select a set and go home with someone else’s husband. Sounds like a probable nightmare, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, it’s uncomfortably similar to what you might experience this week. Since you’re likely to have at least a moment or three of intimacy with someone you’d never expect to, try to remember that it’s probably as embarrassing and traumatic (and secretly titillating) for them as it is for you. That should help a little, along with the knowledge that it’ll be over and nearly forgotten very soon. Oh, and wear clean underwear. That’ll help too.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You believe that things you ingest have almost limitless power to improve your life, from Prozac and vitamins to antibiotics and Viagra. Whatever emotional problems you’re having don’t necessarily come from within. Astrological indications suggest that some of them could have their sources in something that’s as common and deviously potent as sugar (hell, it might even be sugar; the stuff is evil). More than anything I want you to free yourself from the yoke of outside emotional oppression. The first step comes this week: figuring out exactly what that yoke is.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Your confidence is badly shaken. Here’s why: over the last few months your usual talent for combining the ridiculous and the sublime has gone severely awry. But just because the recent surprises you’d planned turned out, in retrospect, to be horribly useless and fell depressingly flat instead of evoking the laughs you intended doesn’t mean you’ve forever lost your droll touch. Some of the astrological impediments to your successful combination of dour and delightful have been removed, and this week you should be able to make people laugh and think at the same time, finally. Have faith in your unique ability’s belated return, and use it.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Millions of activists worldwide are probably wishing certain national leaders were more like Cincinnatus of ancient Rome. When the Senate asked him to save them from a lengthy siege, he reluctantly left his farm and led the Roman army to victory. Immediately afterwards, he shed the power they’d forced upon him and returned to his plow. Sometimes violence is required—but restraint and disinclination towards it are always good qualities. Most Pisces would never be guilty of such a sin, but certain of your closest companions have seized the reins of power. Gently encourage them to finally let them go.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Paranoia, to some degree, is understandable, given the state of the world today. But don’t let it get so out of hand that you become obsessed (or driven, as only a Cap can) with one idea, like building a makeshift bomb shelter in your basement, or plotting a move to New Zealand. As Saturn’s unruly children, you’ve suffered enough. Don’t compound your misery with unnecessary concerns. The universe has always been hard on you—because you need that pounding to become the forces to be reckoned with that you are. But this week you’re being rewarded with a long overdue break. I hope you stop beating yourself up long enough to notice it.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Chita Rivera rocks. Your fellow Aquarian, who’s enjoyed more than five decades of Broadway fame, is still so sexy and athletic at 81 she’s the envy of women (and gay men) twenty or forty years younger than she is. Only Aquarians and Capricorns (who age backwards) can hope to merit adjectives like alluring and agile into their old age. So you’d better stop bitching and moaning about what are, in general, minor flaws. Take your cue from Chita. You’ve barely tapped your potential. You’ve got decades to go, and the way it looks from here, you still haven’t hit your peak.
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