Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You may wish you could just hit SAVE this week, in real life instead of on your computer. That way you could start over if things went sour. I wish you could, too. You’re at that point where you’ve done pretty well so far, but if you continue to try to finish the task at hand—whether it’s an actual project, a conversation, or a marriage proposal—you could really screw things up. Of course, you can’t really leave things half-done; you’ve got to finish the job. Take a deep breath, plunge in, and remember: you have every chance of failing miserably and irredeemably, but you also have every chance of success that equals your wildest dreams.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You have a thing for Capricorns. Admit it. It’s kind of a love-hate magnetic attraction—like you despise them, but want to jump their bones or smother them with kisses anyway. Luckily, it’s mutual—they pretend (or even think) that they can’t stand all that moist attention, but deep down they’d be sad if it wasn’t there. Luckily, this week, you can both not only admit it, but enjoy it, with a minimum of eye-rolling and snappishness. It may not be exactly harmonious, but it should still be fun.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
What happened to you, Leo? You’re not becoming a Virgo, are you? You’re usually a big believer in imperfections. The cracks in the wall are what make it interesting, not the smooth expanses in between. You know this; you live your life by making big sweeping, dramatic efforts, without getting too caught up in the details, which you trust to sort themselves out. So why are you becoming so obsessed with making this project perfect? You’ll just screw it up trying. Go for beautiful, dramatic, expressive—but don’t bother with boring old perfect.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Thunder comes after the lightning strikes. This is pure physics (light travels faster than sound), but also representative of your week, Virgo. You’ll get the warning a fraction of a second after the thing has already happened—and, therefore, too late. Try not to resent the well-intentioned people who deliver their cautionary cries after the fact—they did their best. Your only real consolation is that you are currently resilient enough to absorb a lightning strike or two without suffering anything worse than a bad hair day. Try to laugh when someone yells, “Duck!” right after you get clobbered by a Frisbee. It’s actually kind of funny—and laughing is way more fun than getting pissed off.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Whether you sign on to Facebook or just lay it out on a piece of paper, I want you to list all the people you know this week, and the people they know (that you know about). It’s important that you see how you affect the world, without even trying—just by being. Everything you do is rippled out through your friends, to their friends, to their friends, and so on. Get my drift yet, Libra? I’m doing my best to counteract your absolutely false self-denigration. All I’m trying to say, really, is there’s no way you could not matter, no matter how hard you tried. You’ve already irrevocably changed our world—almost entirely for the better. We, the friends of your friends’ friends, thank you. Now thank yourself.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You probably don’t get the autograph thing. Why do people even want some crappy piece of paper with a hastily scrawled signature on it? It’s not like the signer invested it with any personal meaning. So who cares? Well, people do. I can’t explain it, either, why they want the things they want. Since the kinds of demands that will be made of you this week will seem worthless and wasteful, it’s going to take a certain amount of patience and tolerance from you. Whatever they want, it’s worth nothing to you. Don’t aggravate yourself by trying to understand why they want it. Just give it to them.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You’re a Swiss army knife covered in rust. You have tools to address all your current (thankfully extremely minor) predicaments; you just can’t get to them. They’re all fused together and unusable. So what? So you drop the ball on a couple of dinky dilemmas. Don’t start rethinking long-held self-perceptions and replacing them with a version of you that’s inept or ineffectual. You are, in fact, one of the most versatile and capable people around. You’re just having a bad week. Do your best, but when things go screwy, just shrug, let it go, and walk away. Before you know it, your tools will again be rust-free, shiny, and ready for use.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
People are judgmental about being judgmental. How dare you have rigid standards, or stick to your first impressions of someone? They’re so quick to condemn you for your occasional lack of tolerance, Cap. Screw ‘em. Tolerance isn’t always a good thing. It has its place, and it’s probably better to err on that side of things, but trusting your gut and acting on it is important, too, even if it’s not politically correct. Since your instincts are in profound disagreement with most of those around you this week, stick to your guns. Trust your judgment. Don’t fold like a house of cards. Sometimes, it’s good to be flexible. Other times, like this week, it’s better to simply be right.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Your realm of the possible just shrank, didn’t it? Poor thing. Accepting new limitations is always hard. Lose a foot, and it may seem like your days as a long-distance runner are gone forever. Rest assured that, despite the wall you’ve hit, there are ways beyond your new constraints. You just can’t see them yet, because you have to mourn your foot first (or whatever it was you lost). Once you’ve finished suffering, thoroughly, your brain will finally begin to see options that it refused to look at before. (For example, prostheses are super high-tech and badass now.) Yes, things suck for the moment, but you’ll be running marathons again, I promise. You just need a little time.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
This week is your padded cell. That’s not to say it’ll make you insane. (Unless you use them in your personal life, there are no straitjackets or mind-altering substances involved.) It’s just that world is presenting you with all its rounded edges this week. Your reality is pillow-lined. However tempting, don’t react with your cynical side, cutting open all the goose-down and sending feathers flying in a crazed rage. Just enjoy the fact that you’re being shielded from some of the universe’s harsher edges. It won’t last long—it never does. Life will get rough again. For now, enjoy the fact that when you fall, you bounce.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
I dreamt we made contact with intelligent, dog-like aliens. We had trouble communicating with them because their language was only one-third barks and yips. Eventually, we realized body language and scent played equal roles. I woke up and thought, “No wonder Aries isn’t getting it!” You’re missing two-thirds of what you need to understand what’s going on. You’ve done an admirable job with the paltry clues you’ve been given, but a whole puzzle they do not make. Never fear: You’ll soon have at least another third of the enigma figured out; with that much done, the rest is easy.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Beware of mumblers, feinters and outright fakes this week. It’s going to be hard to shake the feeling that you’re not quite “getting” everything that’s going down around you—because you’re not. All you can do is ask people to repeat themselves at least once before you smile and nod, don’t get too freaked when things go a different way than you expected, and half-anticipate that there might be some fibbing from anyone you meet regarding what they do, their marital status, or any other personal statistics. I don’t want you to get all suspicious and paranoid. Just be willing to peel a layer or two off of everything and everyone you encounter before you get naked yourself.
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