Tony Cox, that evil elf from Bad Santa, will take on the role of Tattoo. Benicio del Toro will be the suave, white-suited “Welcome to… FAHN-TA-SEE ISLAND!” host, Mr. Roarke. And uh… I will guest star as a nerdy, sexually frustrated lab scientist whose ultimate fantasy is to succumb to a series of wild, passionate affairs and drunken debauchery with her new glamorous job as newspaper columnist on a balmy tropical island. Yeah, only Benicio—um, Mr. Rourke—will come to my rescue as I sit alone on a beach, hung over and huddled under a pile of cocktail napkin-scribbled notes. With dramatically raised eyebrow, he’ll say something poignant like, “One must always climb the tree before one picks the fruit. Now come with me to my bungalow.” (SC)
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