Do you like to write down those weird little things you realize in strange, quiet moments? I do (and bet you do, too). But personally, I wish I did it more–and well enough–to make a whole list of essential epiphanies. You know, like those characters in TV shows who have their own hard and fast rules to live and die by. [E.g. the ones Tallahassee’s (i.e. Mauiain Woody Harrelson) comrade Columbus devises in Zombieland (#2 double tap!); or the “laws” of Star Trek: The Next Generation’s Ensign Robin Lefler (a reprise guest role by Ashley Judd in episode #106, “The Game”). Or, um… Actually, that’s all I can think of off the top of my head. Stupid? Yeah. But ainokea. And anyway it’s honest because those two examples do well in summing-up the breadth of my moving picture knowledge: dorky squat. Pathetic, I know, but moreover I digress…]
A couple columns back (#76: “Lifelong Studentpid”), I started such a list. But I need to update and add a couple Here goes:
1) We really need to keep an eye on those Russians. Note: This old rule was to preface a joke about how I think the “Professional Russian” on the YouTube gun show “FPS Russia” is an uber hottie. So, I did what all stalkers do and started following him on Twitte–only to soon find out that guy’s a chauvinistic misogynist. #FAIL! That said, rule #1 stands, but for different reasons.
2 & 3) Stet, so skipped…
4) I’m no longer sentimentally attached to this mildewed upholstered armchair. Note: I was gonna strike this, but decided I should instead keep it stet, to be interpreted somewhat metaphorically. I’m sure the Board of Health will appreciate me breaking sentimental attachments to any mildewed thing. Though I’m not quite sure what to do about my face…
OK, here are some new ones:
5) I hate the way people look when they’re watching TV. Dead eyes. Hunched backs. It’s like the light show’s sucking out viewers’ souls through their limp, agape mouths. If in some cruel universe you find yourself watching me watch TV, please stop. I’m kind of vain that way.
6) If you love heartbreak, get a dog and wait a few years… Dogs: all they do is bring love to our lives. Why can’t they live forever? Solution: zombie dogs. Or vampire dogs, depending on the political season.
Um, yikes. I guess that’s all the essential epiphanies I’ve got right now. Boy howdy, have I got some wisdom to l/earn! (If you’ve got any and are willing to share, I could sure use ‘em.)
On a related topic, I guess the next best thing worth mentioning in this column (where space and time are short) are some not-so serious questions I wish I had answers to:
1) Look, I totally get the bumper sticker, “New York – Paris – Tokyo – London – Hana.” Cute. But what’s “Mars – Venus – Makawao” all about? If men and women are from those planets respectively, is Makawao for mahus? Huh. No wonder that town’s got such great style…
2) And on the topic of bumper stickers, how in good conscience can you have a “Pono… Do The Right Thing!” sticker next to an “Ainokea” sticker? The chasm between irony and hypocrisy is narrow but deep, my friends.
3) Why do “caregiver” and “caretaker” mean the same thing? Also: why is it “oysters on the half shell” and not “oysters in a half shell”? I asked Boss Pignataro and he said it’s simply “one of life’s great mysteries.”
4) “TKTKTK” is journo code for “to come.” So why isn’t it “TCTCTC”?
Ring, ring! Hear that, folks? That’s the sound of me phoning it in. Clearly it’s also the sound of me needing to find more strange, quiet moments. TKTKTK or TCTCTC or whatever.