Mom? You need some new boobs.
I know. And by the way, you’re grounded.
–Recent conversation with my six-year-old.
I must, I must, I must increase my bust! Well, at least the boob on the right. Nursing two kids who, for some godforsaken reason, preferred to dine on the left side has left me lopsided. Not that having a noticeable BLT (bigger left tit) has gone and ruined a centerfold worthy rack or anything–I’ve always been rather boobless. And okay with it, I might add.
I mean, I’ve never had a guy not want to have sex with me because I have Kiera Knightly boobs. In fact, I’m pretty sure that some of them have been into it because of that. In the words of my fantastically hot Italian Stallion college fling, “Babe, you’re nuts but you’ve got a beautiful body.”
Now I’m not saying that I don’t want bigger boobs. I would be totally into it if the boob fairy flew over in the middle of the night, waved her little wand and POOF!–I woke up with extremely perky, kinda jiggly full C’s. But an actual boob job where they put me under, cut me open and insert foreign objects into my chest? Possibly under my pectoral muscles? Not too sure about that, folks.
In case you’re wondering, Hubby is 100 percent anti-boob job, although I’m pretty sure–taking into consideration his nudie-pic preferences—that he likes big boobs. A lot.
I’ve thought about his conflicting stance on the new boob situation, and the problem is that he knows me too well. He knows that if I had monster tits, I’d pretty much walk around wearing just tassels. He’d rather suffer a life with a boobless wife than a life with one who wears hooker tops. Sometimes I don’t understand him. That, and he’s cheap.
Speaking of cheap, and this is where it gets heated people, I recently learned about a website called MyFreeImplants.com. I kid you not, this is a sight where women chat and post “sexy” pictures for men in the hopes that they will donate to their personal boob job fund. It works. There are chicks out there (according to the site, about one per month) getting free tits. Let me remind you that the average boob job is 10 grand.
Give me a goddamn freaking break. People should be donating to feed the hungry, help the homeless, give sight to the blind–whatever! But free boobs?
Out of sheer curiosity, I signed up for a free membership to the site… as a man. I wanted to see what type of woman would do something like this. Immediately I got a message from a 22-year-old who–according to her profile– is five-foot-seven, and weighs 90 pounds. She claims that she suffers depression because she’s flat chested and can’t save enough money to buy her own ta-ta’s because she has a young child.
This chick doesn’t need boobs; she needs a cheeseburger and a shrink. Are these crazy insane bitches totally screwed up in the noggy? Let me guess: their mamas dressed them like a hoochies and airbrushed their pictures when they were kids, right?
Like I said, I’m not anti-boob job. Although I know that if I put enough thought into it I could come up with a million and two reasons why it’s a horrible idea and why cosmetic surgery in general is an evil, twisted practice and should not under any circumstance be socially acceptable. But I’ll save that for another day.
The bottom line is that these women are literally whoring themselves out for what they consider cosmetic gain.
I was so infuriated after browsing this site that I called my husband to bitch.
“Are you kidding me?” he said.
“No! Isn’t that effing twisted?”
“No way! That’s the greatest thing that I ever heard!”
We got disconnected after that.
Starr Begley thinks that Living Dead Girl has an awesome body and doesn’t need fake boobs. MTW